Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

I’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7’s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ’em, share ’em. 

The Famous Ride of Rush Revere

Great news, everybody!

America’s favorite anal fissure is writing books for children.

Rush was inspired to write the book “to correct the historical record as it’s been distorted in the public school system.”

I get where Rush is coming from. I can imagine it’s very difficult to be a rich, white, heterosexual man in America–never seeing yourself reflected in the top leadership positions, never having your story heard in the history books, feeling marginalized by a lack of opportunities.

It is time for the real history to be heard and who better to tell it than the man who said “when women got the right to vote is when it all went downhill”?

Preach!

The basic premise of the book is Rush plays some heroic middle school substitute teacher who can go back in time with the help of oxycontin a talking horse. Of course, Rush would be a substitute rather than a souless public school teaching leech latched onto the public teat and beholden to the Evil Union Overlords.

Along the way, he attempts to score various opiates and boner-drugs from those time periods–oh and celebrate America’s exceptionalism.

The book was already Amazon bestseller before it was even released, prompting Rush to write more tomes for the kiddies.

Seeing how Rush views a big portion of the population–women, gays, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, all minorities, progressive thinkers, non-Dittoheads–I’m sure his view of history is likely the correct one, like when he said the NAACP “should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.”

Amazingly enough, I was able to obtain some galleys from his upcoming books.

Rush Revere Visits the Founding Fathers

Rush Revere Visits the Slave Plantation

Rush Revere Visits Women Suffragists

Rush Revere Visits Ronald Reagan

Nearly there, nearly there. Only a few days left in this hellish landscape known as NaBloWriMo. Speaker7 continues to plug away as a member of The Nano Poblano Team.

I’m Thankful For Shopping Orgy

Is anyone else annoyed that Thansgiving falls smack dab in the middle of Hallowed Black Friday Weeklong Extravaganza Shopping Orgy?

Just like this guy,

From USA Today – this guy set up his tent on 11/19.

I was getting ready to set up my tent outside Walmart this Saturday when my mom calls with: “Thanksgiving will be at 4 p.m. at Aunt Janet’s house. Can you bring a pecan pie?”

I replied as respectfully as I could:  “Jesus christ, mom. Are we still fucking doing this shit? Thanksgiving? More like Nothanksgiving.”

There is no way I’m leaving my tent and losing out on a $2 Personalized Snowmen Stick Family Doormat, which clearly shows my love of family togetherness.

I thought we had agreed as a society to retire this lame “thankfulness” nonsense and celebrate what the holidays are truly about–my ability to buy a LEGO® Legend of Chima set at half the price. And if I have to destroy every man, woman and child in the process, so be it.

These people get it:

The stores are doing what they can by opening earlier and earlier and offering too-good-too-pass-up-even-though-my-grandparents-may-not-be-around-much-longer-and-this-is-the-only-time-I-ever-see-my-sister deals. Like this:

Hepatitis optional.

So let’s do our part, gentle reader. Let’s kick the stuffing out of Thanksgiving for good.

Speaker7 will be writing the rest of the posts during NaBloWriMo from her tent outside of Walmart. 

Why I Don’t Participate in NaNoWriMo

For starters, I just went through the local shopping circular to find daily post ideas. Did you know that laundromat on Main Street offers free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Holy fuck that’s a good deal.

I tried NaNoWriMo once a long time ago when I was a wee lass filled with big dreams and hope. I lasted two days. I just don’t have the stamina for novel writing. I start strong, but  peter out, kind of like a Rand Paul speech before he lifts full paragraphs from Wikipedia and Ayn Rand’s LiveJournal.

I do have awesome book ideas so maybe you, one of my faithful readers, can take one of my ideas and make something out of it.

1. Fifty Shades of Twilight

Bellana Swansteele is a virginal factory worker in a silver bullet factory. Edwarstian Cullgrey is a wealthy werewolf. Bellana is inexplicably drawn to Edwarstian when he pisses a circle of urine around her.  They become lovers the night Edwarstian humps her leg vigorously, but will their love survive? Edwarstain can’t seem to stay off the furniture and eats the newspaper. Bellana has mousy brown hair, an inner goddess and a super vagina. She knows Edwarstian is dangerous because he sheds and claws up her couch. She believes her super vagina can change him for the better or at least train him to use the litter box. Holy cowshit!

2. The Next Gone Girl

I don’t really have anything more to add to this. I just figured any book that outright said it was the next Gone Girl  in the title would be an instant bestseller. Shit, you could probably make it about that laundromat offering free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then have the Tide replaced by Gain to give it a twist.

3. The Bob Ross Code

Symbologist Tom Hanks discovers a murdered body by a velvet clown painting at the Antique Roadshow and thus uncovers a battle between the Scions of Elmo and the Muppets of Grover over the possibility that Snuffleupagus was really the son of Gordon. The velvet painting bears the inscription “happy little trees” which Hanks sees as a clue to solving the puzzle of Snuffleupagus’ paternity.

4. The Fat Games

This distopyian novel is set in the distant United States where obese people are put on display and subject to ridicule by a short, toned, shrieking thing called The Jillian. The Jillian forces the obese subjects to do push-ups on camera and strip down to their skivvies for the weekly weigh-in. She tortures them with platitudes like “Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going.” Will this boring nightmare ever end?

5. Men Are From Sportsland and Women Are From Menstruationland

Men and women are so different–it’s like they’re from other lands or planets even!?! Men like to hunt and rape bears while women like to sew and bathe in chocolate. Men eat batteries. Women drink buckets of orphan tears. Men like to dangle their dingles off bridges while women like to get paid less for the same job. Will these two genders ever see boob to eye?

So get writing….you just have to promise me 50% of the profits.

Speaker 7 is not writing a novel but is writing a post every day as part of the Nano Poblano Team. This may make a good novel idea….or not.

Sexiest Meat Bag Time

Oh gentle reader, I can’t tell you how much I look forward to this time of year.

There’s that special holiday, Black Friday’s Eve, when all the people come together and beat the shit out of each other at Walmart for a $2.00 Himalayan Salt Foot Detox:

And there’s the announcement of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

People has a knack for picking the blandest sexiest men alive–Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds. I believe one year, People actually selected a roll of paper towels, Brawny® brand of course.

This year People has outdone itself by choosing the amazingly douchey Adam Levine.

Don’t believe me?

When one is crowned King Beefcakefishsteak, one gets to pontificate on why one is so beefcakefishsteak.

Actual quote from the article.

We get to learn about all of Adam’s tattoos. He got a dove five days after the September 11th terrorist attacks because…he’s a douche. A patriotic douche, but a douche nonetheless.

He doesn’t do tattoos below the waist because “you can’t do the hands; that’s sacred too. That’s what you make things with.”

If you are unfamiliar with Adam’s celebrity, he is a songwriter. He is not a brain-damaged umbrella stand. I can understand if you are confused.

He claims he wrote the best lyric at 20. It was:

“Old MacDonald had a douche. Ding-dong Ding-dong-o”

I’m joking.

It was:

“If I could bottle up the chills that you give me, I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.”

I am not kidding.

When I was 7, I was in a band with my two cousins called The Three Night Waves. We sang a song that went like this:

We’re the three night waves

the three night waves

the three night waves

for you and us

for all of us

That song is infinitely better.

According to Adam, you can best convey what you want with what you say.

Genius really, and all this time I’ve been conveying my wants through crop circles.

Adam believes in waxing his arms and frequent massaging because he works out so much, but draws the line at mani-pedis because “you’ve got to retain some sort of masculine characteristics. You can’t trim yourself into a tizzy and become a woman.”

True, but you can say things that transform yourself into a monumental douche.

Speaker7 is still plugging along as a member of the Nano Poblano Team. She’s sorry if you think Adam Levine is sexy, but seriously? He seems like an incredible assface douchecanoe. 

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

I realize children are our future and we should teach them well and feed them on our dreams, and a smile from a child is a package of sunshine and unicorn farts.

Terrific.

But my little package of sunshine and unicorn gas has been in the habit of yelling my name in the middle of the night with an invitation “to come sleep with me” in his twin bed, which really means “no sleep for hours then when I finally sneak back into my bed, a 30-minute respite before the next primal scream and  I relent and just let him sleep in my goddamn bed.”

All this after me or my husband begin the night lying awake in his bed until he falls asleep, and realizing my child has a later bedtime than me.

Nightime is beginning to resemble that surreal hellscape I stumbled through when I was a barely function bag of cells “mothering” a newborn baby.

This morning I had a lengthy discussion about the merits of phrenology to detect lice when it became clear that  a) I don’t know what phrenology is and b) I was actually talking to the coffeemaker.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is such an effective torture technique.

I vaguely recall my smug, child-free self boldy declaring “I would NEVER let my child sleep in my bed” when I would hear of parents getting kicked in the face multiple times by a child sleeping perpindicular to them.

I also vaguely remember rambling on about how I would never cook separate meals for my kid and he would just “eat what I’m eating.”

Aw, sweet, young Speaker7, you dumb fuck, you.

I’ve consulted all the experts like the random people who somehow have time to answer questions on wikianswers:

My options are limited. I could keep things as is and die earlier from it, but at least that’s sort of a type of sleep. I could engage in a nighttime battle with a victor who has more energy stores than the hottest part of the sun. Or I could spend the time making out with Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice because I swear he was just in my kitchen a second ago talking to Kato Kaelin about O.J. Simpson’s latest book “Okay I did It.”

It’s likely karmic retribution. I slept in my parent’s room so much, they kept a mattress tucked under their bed. I had convinced myself I was going to be murdered in my sleep. Amityville Horror may not be the most comforting bedtime story.

In fact, the last time I slept on my parent’s floor was when I was 23 and home for a visit. I had mistakenly assumed I could handle a viewing of the movie Scream without thinking I would be the next to be gutted and strung up a tree by Ghostface. After a fitful night of continually turning on my light, I gave in and curled up on the floor of their room only to slink out early in the morning.

So judging by my track record, only 20 more years of this. That third option is looking pretty good.

Speaker7’s bout of sleep deprivation is only making the experience of posting daily as a member of the Nano Poblano Team even more sheep. When I move my hand slowly in front of my face, I can see leprechauns. 

Breaking Sex News

I really have to thank Alice for the generation of this post, the 20th in this santorum festival known as NaBloWriMo.

If you are a regular reader, you know I cobbled together a post on unfinished posts that languish in my WordPress draft folder because the ideas…yup, the ideas are dead. I didn’t think there was more to Breaking Sex News than the weird Breaking Sex News banner on The Huffington Post on Swedes yanking it in public.  I even tried to find more, but could only find this:

That is fucking incredible, but where is the breaking sex news!?! Then Alice reminded me of the go-to source for all breaking sex news–Cosmopolitan magazine.

For instance, did you know, gentle reader, that there is such a thing as “celebrity side butt”?

How marvelous! And newsy.

So what is Celebrity Side Butt? the masses desperately want to know.

It is incredibly scientific. “Side Butt” occurs when a celebrity is sans underwear and wears a dress that proves that theory. For example,  a² – b² = partial ass.

Cosmo includes a photoessay of our most famous examples of that theorem in action.

But what if I’m not a Celebrity Side Butt, but am looking for ways to sexify my relationship? is likely what you’re thinking right now.

Well, I have the hot scoop–there are 75 crazy-hot sex moves that can sexify pretty much anything from the secret Santa office party to your Aunt Bertha’s wake.

You may be under the assumption that sex is where that thing goes into that slot and then retreats and then goes back and then there’s a charley horse and then there’s the looking at the clock because Grey’s Anatomy is going to be on any second and then there’s the quick prayer to god about somebody finishing and then someone groans and now you can finally have some peace and watch TV.

Well there’s more, gentle reader, 75 more things to be exact.

For instance, you can “straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg and slide it between his legs” and if you can explain to me how this exactly works because of my spatial difficulties and inability to understand poor writing, I will be grateful…and hot.

You could also: “try side-saddle position for a more unique and snug fit. Make a bridge with your arms behind you on one side of him and your legs in front of you on the other.” I’m thinking the author of this just began consulting her “Odyssey of the Mind” handout from 6th grade. Herman Melville’s Moby Dick is a literary masterpiece. Create Ishmael’s boat only using the parts from a vacuum cleaner. Now make it sexy.

Or you could: “build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest” because clearly the author has started to lose her erection at the 25th crazy-hot sex move and has no clue what the fuck to write. Why not add something like “Goldilocks the moment by making his dick too hot, then too cold and then just right. First pour molten steel on his member, followed by Coleman’s Chiller and then warm it up with a hair dryer.”

Or if you’re tired just “trade butt-cheek massages” and extra bonus if it is a celebrity side butt.

News.

Breaking sex news for that matter.

For fuck’s sake, are there seriously 10 days left? Fuck. Anyway, Speaker7 is writing every day this month as a member of the Nano Poblano Team. 

Ghosts of Writing Past

My WordPress draft folder is a minefield of missed opportunities.

Missed Opportunity #1:

What did I mean when I created a post titled “The State of Florida Loves Me” and then wrote nothing else?

I guess we’ll never know since I have no recollection of even creating this post. 

Missed Opportunity #2

I thought I had come up with a pretty good idea with this title:

Attention-grabbing, yes? I came up with that snazzy title a few days before last year’s NaBloWriMo.

And what were my fantastic ideas?

This:

Pretty compelling, although I think I could really win if I ran on that platform given what passes for politicians these days (Mr. Speaker7 excluded).

Missed Opportunity #3

I could have joined Des on her journey toward finding fabricated marketing synergy on the latest incarnation of The Bachelorette. Instead I have a draft post filled with random notes taken during the premiere episode.  I’m 98 percent sure I was a bit intoxicated when I typed these:

• People are saying words that follow the basic construct of sentences, but there is little to no meaning.
• “Does your fairytale have a happy ending?” Chris Harrison opines. Are these people unfamiliar with fairytales? They’re bloody as shit, the real ones anyway. People eating children, fathers lopping off sons’ heads.
• drilling fluid engineer is a naked coffee drinker…now I can die
• dental student states: “I’m a Renaissance man”
• wow it’s so surreal and boring and mouskatools.
• guy brings a dead bird bone
• hashtag dork
• inside, the men circle jerk
• creepy banker nicknames her Venus. I come up with a nickname “Pathetic loser” Nailed it.
• date rapist sent home early for trying to date rape Des all night

Sorry, no rose for you, gentle reader

Missed Opportunity #4

This had no title. I’m guessing I wanted to write something about lapses in judgment, but could only churn out this:

This was a lapse in judgment. This can happen some time.

For instance, someone in the employ of Huffington Post created this news banner:

Just what is “sex news” anyways? **Breaking SEX NEWS: Sir Mix-A-Lot Still Prefers Big Butts**

I think a “Sex News” post has to happen in the future.

Missed Opportunity #5

My son said this to me: “You’re sick in the mouth.”

I’m not quite sure what he meant, but I thought I could piece together a post about “Things My Son Tells Me”…but then I got sick in the mouth and abandoned it.

Missed Opportunity #6

This title came after seeing a picture of a Facebook “friend” in black face and other “friends” liking and commenting.

And only this simple missive:

What drafts do you have lingering about?

Speaker7 has a couple drafts of this post, but this one turned out to be the best. Sorry. Speaker7 continues to slog through this hellish long month of November as a member of the Nano Poblano team.

Fifty Shades of Movie Magic

I was delighted when I saw the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly:

Finally, the first of many issues heralding the arrival of this movie. Being a big fan of the books, I tore through the magazine pages, reading voraciously and savoring every morsel I could.

I understand it will be difficult to condense E.L. James 600-paged behemoth down to a two-hour film. Will they cut out one of the 1,200 email exchanges? Or one of the 4,507 times Christian orders Ana to eat? Or one of the 35,678 times Christian remarks on Ana’s wetness.

God, I hope not.

In the magazine, the stars were interviewed about their thoughts on the film.

For the uninitiated, Fifty Shades of Grey is a steamy trilogy about a virginal sockpuppet who falls in love with a controlling oil-retention enema. They murmur and stick things in holes. It’s awesome or–to use Virginia of Lame Adventures, new word for “awesome”– semi-flaccid.

Semi-flaccidly enough, my copy of Entertainment Weekly happened to include a few pages of the script. I first inserted a butt plug into my ear canal to further cement the brain damage I underwent from reading the books and began to read.

Oh my, gentle reader, oh my.

Prepare to be shaded by some grey, whatever the fuck that means.

First Scene:

Ana and Christian’s first meeting

Ana and Christian’s Interaction at Claytons Hardware

I give this film two thumbs up the butt!

Speaker7’s inner goddess is responsible for this post even though her inner goddess is not a member of the Nano Poblano Team. 

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

Well fuck a duck, I am back in the world I belong.

The real one?

With people? And their breathing? And farting?

Awful.

It’s just too much arm flesh and air molecules and tote bags. We are much safer here, readers. Let’s never leave again.

I have a few stories from my roadtrip to the “Insurance Capital of the World” where I librarianed it up for 2.5 days that I wanted to share with you because duck a fuck, this month will never end.

I got to see Jon Scieszka in person!!!! Squeee!!!

And–I shit you not–but I got Adam Gidwitz’s autograph!

It’s likely you have no idea who I’m talking about (Alice might), but to a pack of middle-aged librarians, these guys are the the 12-year-old girl’s version of One Direction.

Jon Scieszka wrote The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, which if you haven’t read, you must read now.

Go.

You don’t have either? Go to your library then.

Yes I mean right now.

Okay, are you done?

Rock star, right?

Adam Gidwitz wrote my favorite new series A Tale Dark & Grimm, in which he basically un-Disneyfies all these Grimm tales and we get back to the head removal and children eating.

In other conference news, I was woken from a crappy sleep at 2:30 a.m. by a man, and I believe, two women drunkenly trying to get into the room next door. It appeared from my vantage point in front of the peep hole that they could not conquer the difficult task of inserting the key card into the key slot so that other things could be inserted into other slots.

It also appeared as if the bloke did not know the two women (or woman) all that well although one attempted to mount his back several times. She then would let out a peal of laughter that caused my teeth to rattle out of my head and drop to the floor.

I thought to myself: Was I going to audibly witness my first threesome?

After what appeared to be 20 minutes, the guy opened the door and pushed the woman or women inside and said good night.

A minute or so later, one of the room’s occupants attempted to get out again, but was stymied by the door latch. She gets an A for effort though since she bashed that door against the doorframe about 50 times.

Travel fun!

Speaker7 is glad to be back home with consistent Internet access so she can continue to churn out slop posts as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Only 13 left to go!

Jesus…is that true?