Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

I’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7’s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ’em, share ’em. 

Facebook Facepalm

National Public Radio aired a story offering friendly advice to teachers about posting on Facebook. The basic premise is that teachers don’t have the same leeway as others because of the nature of the job. So this status update would not be the best choice:

Neither would this photo:

The story went on to give examples of teachers who lost their jobs over such infractions as calling homosexuality a “perverted sin,” referring to their students as “future criminals” and posting photos of themselves covered in chocolate sauce gyrating next to a stripper.

Fair enough.

Now I don’t want to seem like a scold or anti-freedomy™, but broadcasting your awfulness to the world is not always the right course of action especially when your job is to teach students to take tests made up by people seeking to annihilate all forms of public education. I’ll admit I like to cover myself in applesauce while gyrating next to stuffed animals I dressed up as strippers–in fact I’m doing it right now–the difference is I don’t take pictures of it or let people know about it…oh, sh*t. Unlike.

But should this just be applicable to teachers? Yes, teachers are revered in our society–just ask Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, but if I am not allowed to call my students sludge buckets for the entire world to see, why are you allowed to inundate me with updates about your hiccups?

Now this has never been done before–a blog first, or blirst™–but I’m about to devise a list of Facebook Etiquette, or Facebookquette…no, that doesn’t work…how ’bout Speaker7’s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery? Score. I’m going to trademark it. ™

Speaker7’s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb™:

• Don’t write about your hiccups. Or that you’re tired or hungry or yearning to be free. No one cares, unless you’re an actual baby. Then I would be impressed by your ability to spell hiccups, and I would steal you away for an appearance on the Today show calling you the Facebaby™.
• Don’t post photographs of your fabulous vacation destination that looks nothing like the hellhole I call home. I can’t afford a vacation, jerk, so thanks for rubbing it in my facebook. Oh, you’re not home? I’m going to go break into your house.
• Don’t post that you’re going to break into someone’s house. That’s going to get you arrested, and you saw how hard that was for Paris Hilton. She’s a warrior.
• Don’t call Paris Hilton a warrior. Even though you are kidding, humor doesn’t translate well on Facebook, and people will think you’re stupid and out of touch. Paris Hilton is sooooo 2000.
• Don’t write FML about anything unless you a literally fucking your life, and if you are doing that, post pictures.
• Don’t write angry diatribes about slut women or gay immigrants under my status update about watching the Republican debate and vomiting into a bucket. We clearly don’t see things from the same perspective, and ranting like a dehydrated former child star won’t change things.
• And finally, never use Facebook.