nanowrimo

Why I Don’t Participate in NaNoWriMo

For starters, I just went through the local shopping circular to find daily post ideas. Did you know that laundromat on Main Street offers free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Holy fuck that’s a good deal.

I tried NaNoWriMo once a long time ago when I was a wee lass filled with big dreams and hope. I lasted two days. I just don’t have the stamina for novel writing. I start strong, but  peter out, kind of like a Rand Paul speech before he lifts full paragraphs from Wikipedia and Ayn Rand’s LiveJournal.

I do have awesome book ideas so maybe you, one of my faithful readers, can take one of my ideas and make something out of it.

1. Fifty Shades of Twilight

Bellana Swansteele is a virginal factory worker in a silver bullet factory. Edwarstian Cullgrey is a wealthy werewolf. Bellana is inexplicably drawn to Edwarstian when he pisses a circle of urine around her.  They become lovers the night Edwarstian humps her leg vigorously, but will their love survive? Edwarstain can’t seem to stay off the furniture and eats the newspaper. Bellana has mousy brown hair, an inner goddess and a super vagina. She knows Edwarstian is dangerous because he sheds and claws up her couch. She believes her super vagina can change him for the better or at least train him to use the litter box. Holy cowshit!

fiftyshadesoftwilight

2. The Next Gone Girl

I don’t really have anything more to add to this. I just figured any book that outright said it was the next Gone Girl  in the title would be an instant bestseller. Shit, you could probably make it about that laundromat offering free Tide on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then have the Tide replaced by Gain to give it a twist.

3. The Bob Ross Code

Symbologist Tom Hanks discovers a murdered body by a velvet clown painting at the Antique Roadshow and thus uncovers a battle between the Scions of Elmo and the Muppets of Grover over the possibility that Snuffleupagus was really the son of Gordon. The velvet painting bears the inscription “happy little trees” which Hanks sees as a clue to solving the puzzle of Snuffleupagus’ paternity.

bobrosscode

4. The Fat Games

This distopyian novel is set in the distant United States where obese people are put on display and subject to ridicule by a short, toned, shrieking thing called The Jillian. The Jillian forces the obese subjects to do push-ups on camera and strip down to their skivvies for the weekly weigh-in. She tortures them with platitudes like “Unless you puke, faint or die, keep going.” Will this boring nightmare ever end?

thejillian

5. Men Are From Sportsland and Women Are From Menstruationland

Men and women are so different–it’s like they’re from other lands or planets even!?! Men like to hunt and rape bears while women like to sew and bathe in chocolate. Men eat batteries. Women drink buckets of orphan tears. Men like to dangle their dingles off bridges while women like to get paid less for the same job. Will these two genders ever see boob to eye?

menandwomen

So get writing….you just have to promise me 50% of the profits.

Speaker 7 is not writing a novel but is writing a post every day as part of the Nano Poblano Team. This may make a good novel idea….or not.

NaNoFaLaTiDo

I am foolishly participating in this thingy where I write a post every day this month. I think it should go well because I used the word “thingy” in the previous sentence and this shows my creative juices are thingy.

I did this last year with Jen of the illustrious Sips of Jen and Tonic, the most hilarious blog on the nets of Inter. I had thought the endeavor would be a tad easier than NaNoWriMo, the national novel writing month, but it turned out writing a daily post was about as fun as trying to come up with an analogy for this sentence. A lemon juice enema? A Miley Cyrus tongue bath? A Miley Cyrus tongue enema?

I still got it.

I believe I’ve conned Jen into doing NaBloWriMo because we have a beautiful masochistic relationship.

There are many reasons why I will fail and you will likely not see another post after this one:

  1. Now that it gets dark so early, I feel it completely unnecessary to be awake past 6 p.m.
  2. My husband is running for local office and the last time I saw him was on a campaign flyer asking for my vote.
  3. There is a small person who demands most of my time. His name is Hugo. I also have a three-year-old son.

cutiepie4. Obamacare

5. They have come out with an Angus Beef version of Hot Pockets

Jen had asked me what I planned to write about and I replied “Hot pockets.”

I still got it.

10 Ways to Survive NaNoWriMo

NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, kicks off this month.

This can seem overwhelming. Fifty thousand words over the course of 30 days? What on earth were you thinking?

But don’t fret. You will survive. Just follow these tips:

1. Have a topic in mind. This may seem like a no-brainer, but I can’t tell you how many writers start writing with no set direction. I know this because I’m doing it right now. My title says I have “10 ways,” but really, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m going to write after this first one. Do you think it should be about cats? No, that makes no sense.

2. Cats

3. Just start writing…it doesn’t matter if you have a topic in mind. I’ll wait…okay what did you come up with?

That is….good! I think you will have no trouble reaching 50,000 words.

4. Don’t get distracted by the little things. For instance I just spilled a chicken-and-goat-cheese quesadilla into the middle of my couch cushions, but did I let that stop me from watching TV? No. It is really messy though. There’s pieces of onion, burrito shell crumbs, chicken bits. I should probably clean that up. But the vacuum cleaner is all the way upstairs! Ugh, my life is over. Over!

5. Read other writers for inspiration. Then start writing words and sentences. What did you come up with?

Holy crap! I love it, but it sounds a little too much like Fifty Shades of Grey. I would suggest making the guy a vampire to avoid any accusations of plagiarism.

6. Wow we’re already at 6!

7. Look for someone or something to blame when you ultimately fail at reaching the 50,000-word goal. Some suggestions:

  • I would have finished, but my child kept saying things like “Is there any food?” and “I don’t think the bleeding is stopping.”
  • I would have finished but my spouse kept saying “Are you not going into work again?” and “Do you think maybe today is the day you’ll take a shower?”
  • I had to go upstairs and get a vacuum to vacuum up some chicken bits and it was hard and sapped my will to live.

8.  I would have finished this, but you would not believe what I have to do right now. I have to actually climb stairs and bring down a 3,000 pound vacuum that weighs a ton, and then I have to plug it in and turn it on and I just can’t…sorry, the last two tips would have really been amazing.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  I mean, really, you’d have to be crazy to do that. There is absolutely no way to survive it no matter what some writer with some tip list tells you. Never believe anyone who writes a how-to type post. 

Honey NaNo WriBoo Child

Lots of bloggers have been writing about their plans to participate in National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo this November. Alas, I will not be among them.

I tried to do NaNoWriMo five years ago. I naively thought 1,500 words a day was doable for me. Trouble is I spent the first few days watching TV for inspiration and began 7,500 words in the hole. I never climbed back out.

But then Jen from Sips of Jen and Tonic–The Greatest Blog on Earth™–gave me an idea. Or rather I stole her idea and hope she’s okay with it. Instead of writing a novel that no one, including myself, would want to read, why not try to do a post a day?

Jen is full of good ideas at all times.

Back during the Civil War when I began this blog, I did write a post a day–sometimes two! And then I petered out and spent my time constructing a mythical land created entirely out of potato peels.

But I think I can do it. Like that little engine who thought it could get up that hill, and then was sucked into a seedy underbelly of drugs and debauchery. I may be confusing it with Charlie Sheen.

I will admit, there will be blog posts that will have more tags than actual words in the post such as this:

Monday!

-Or-

Post!

These count.

As will posts of random clip art.

And there’s a 99.99999% chance I will just reblog whatever Jen writes every day because she’s ridiculously funny, and I ran out of ideas after “Post!”

It is going to be a long month.