Oh, yes. I’m recrapping The Bachelor.
It is two hours long!?! What the fuH.
I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this.
So this guy? Yep, his name is Bland. He likes his harem o’ ladies. He’s getting really connectedvilled with some of them. Some ladies are like “Fart.” Others are like “Poopy.” One sharts a sonnet.
This one climbs a mountain and claims her religion prevents her from kissing Bland on TV, but not from completely humilating herself on TV. Bland wants to kiss her, but also wants to drink a shoe filled with milk.
Roller derby group date. Woman I’ve never seen before say “I’m irrelevant.” Someone falls, cracks her head open and shredded paper falls out. Sarah, of the one-arm, cries because this is the most boring episode. Bland’s heart bleeds Pringles® and gives her a pep talk that makes me want to chew off my arm.
Skate, skate, ambulance, feh.
One woman on the group date is trying to be interesting by being “the villain,” but she is just boring and makes me wish I was watching someone chew gum. “I’m going to leave,” she bores and ugh.
There is an hour left.
For fuck’s sake.
Random woman wonders why she is not sticking her finger in Bland’s bunghole. She does not get the coveted one-on-one date card. The other woman who earlier was crying about bloopy gets it and I’m so…..I’m so dead inside.
They both have crazy eyes and talk about how “excited” they are for this date. Driving. Interesting conversation ensues:
“We’re in Beverly Hills,” Bland says.
“I know,” says date person.
Pretty Woman reference. “We’re living out the fantasy,” Bland says. I think he thinks he’s getting a blow job from a hooker.
Clothes montage and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I’m up. I’m up.
She is getting her wish or her chlamydia, I don’t know, but she’s getting something and pffttt….45 minutes left. I swear time is standing still.
Bland is not feeling a “romantic ” connection with date person. “Romantic” connection means “hand job.” No rose for her. She leaves.
Bland heads back to the date by himself to hear “Ben Taylor” sing on his guitar. What is happening?
Rose falls “dramatically”to the ground. Some petals fall off.
I look dramatically at the clock and cry.
Bland platitudes to a bunch of random people before the rose ceremony. “I love ______ about ______.”
I love nothing about this show.
And this is why I won’t make it to the end, but I’m sure the rose ceremony is “dramatic” and “shocking,” but now is the time for…