A Gift from the Direct Mail Gods

As you know, I received a non-pink pink slip the other day. At first, things seemed bleak, but as the saying goes: “When one door closes, a mailbox opens and in that mailbox is a barely glued flyer containing the most important documents on earth.”

Evidence:

This arrived yesterday. I got the feeling that it was extremely urgent (I’m psychic) so I threw the mail on the table, ate five Reese mini-eggs and flipped through Entertainment Weekly. My heart pounded in anticipation when I remembered nine hours later that I received something important in the mail.

It was like a gift from the gods of direct mail mass marketing. Their names are Bob and Gennifer:

I could win a car or a 3D TV or an iPAD 3 or a Kindle (not a Kindle Fire? Boo!) if I just matched three like symbols. Amazingly I had two of each….what could the center spot be???

This was nearly as thrilling as the four to five chain emails I receive weekly from work colleagues that tell me unspeakable horror will befall me if I do not forward to 10 “lucky” “friends”.  This was almost as exciting as the day I received a paper prayer rug from a post office box calling itself “Saint Matthew’s Church.” The helpful letter told me I could use a placemat bearing Jesus’s face to pray for a car just like Jesus did when he fed the masses at Walmart.

Was my prayer answered?

Bingo.

This is the American Dream, my friends. Why just a mere two days ago, I was adrift.

Now I can go to some random mall parking lot, and insert a key with metal the consistency of a yogurt top, into an American Dream Machine™.

I wonder what it will be?

Could it be this, and then I could have a new profession of delivering prayer rugs and credit card applications to others?

Could it be a hog, and then I could have a legitimate midlife crisis a few years early?

Could it be a real hog?

Will it help me compensate for my unusually tiny penis?

Will it be a gas guzzler?

Will it even be a car??

So much incredibly urgent excitement.

Yes, I may soon be unemployed, but I will have a dope ride to park in the driveway when I stay inside and become the shape of a Reese mini egg due to the constant eating of said eggs.

You can have this too. Simply forward this to 10 friends or else the world will explode.

All the best,

Speaker7

A Pink Slip Isn’t Pink

So you’ve just been handed a letter. You may be confused at first. You thought pink slips were pink. That’s what television has taught you–that, and when you stand up to someone, someone else will inevitably start a slow clap, which builds to thunderous applause.

This slip is white, and it’s not a slip, but just a piece of high-end letterhead. Wait, shouldn’t we use random scraps of paper, preferably used coffee filters and toilet paper toss offs, especially since we are in a budget crunch? Let’s focus. The pinkish-hued white letter slip reads that your employer may not meet be able to meet its contractual obligation for the next school year with regard to your employment. Huh?

You might be fired.

Like this:

Oh, and I just bought a $702 toilet, you say. The man who gave you the letter looks at you strangely. You realize that wasn’t the response you wanted to give even though you did just purchase a $702 toilet.

These are bad economic times, and you are in a profession that many people think is irrelevant because of the Internet, so you knew this was coming. That doesn’t mean that you can’t handle the news with panache.

Here are 10,000 or maybe 6 (it depends on how tired I am and/or how much wine I drink) tips to follow when given a pinkish-hued white letter slip of laid-offness:

• Try not to throw yourself on the ground and thrash about. This could cause rug burn or floor burn if your floor is sans rug. You might get a staple embedded in your back or someone’s toenail. Toenails fall off at an alarming rate. If you feel compelled to thrash, go outside and roll around in the grass, unless you’re wearing white. Who wears white after Labor Day? When can we wear white? The day before Labor Day, and then never again? So many questions. Look out for dog crap
• Don’t cry. What are you John Boehner? He cries when he runs out of a tissues, which is hourly, friend. If you feel the tears brimming and the bottom lip shaking, excuse yourself by saying “Oh, I think a bee just flew up my nose” or “I just saw kids running” or “I just heard Danny Boy.” Whatever, just think of something to get you out of the room. “Hey everybody, half-priced toilets at Target! Let’s go!”
• Sure it sucks, but this is not the time to tell the world what you think of it–that’s reserved for when you are delivering a drunken toast at a wedding. You’re still not technically fired so going through a bullet by bullet list of why the person who gave you the letter sucks bees is not the way to go–unless someone else is around to give the slow clap. Do anything and everything to get the slow clap.
• Don’t post on Facebook that your boss is Satan. Yes, your boss is Satan but your future Satanic boss will ask you for your password to Facebook.
• Do buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. If you win $540 million, you can call anyone Satan.
• Don’t plan a Twilight wedding and changed your surname to “Cullen”. This has nothing to do with this post, but in general, just don’t do it. The world thanks you.
• Do use your laidoffness as an excuse to not do anything like cook. We’ve been eating out a lot, and it’s been fantastic.
• Do plan for the future, e.g., I plan to drink this second glass of wine, cry while watching Dance Moms and pass out.

Slow clap.

Geraldo Geraldon’t

TV “journalist” Geraldo Rivera recently said if you present yourself a certain way expect a certain reaction from people. I’m paraphrasing. Geraldo actually used the word “gangsta” and kept saying “gangsta,” really overemphasizing the “sta” of the “gangsta” to an extent that I stuck my hand into a food processor so I could concentrate on something else.

Geraldo, of the Yosemite-Sam style mustache, should know about the damaging effects of appearance. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of  a silent movie villain who ties damsels in distress to railroad tracks.

"I kid you not. I've found more in my mustache than in Al Capone's vault."

It is uncertain whether Rivera has actually engaged in this behavior while twirling his scour-brush mustache, but he has been married five times, and these women couldn’t all have voluntarily agreed to it–some had to be under duress.

Whenever I hear him, I wish I could invent a time machine, and travel back to the time his parents met so I can break up their marriage with my serious gangsta-style seduction skillzz thereby preventing his birth.

It’s a conundrum. Does his Mario brothers’ mustache make me think he’s a narcissistic shithead or is it the shitty narcissistic things he says?

Then I think of Geraldo’s shitty, shitty words about the senseless murder of Trayvon Martin:

“People take you at what you look like” and “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.”

Right.

The gun in Zimmerman’s hand was only slightly responsible…as was his racism.

So maybe it is Rivera’s 1970′s porn-star-style stache–the width of which makes the Monopoly’s  Rich Uncle Pennybag’s stache look like the width of John Waters’–that makes me assume that he is a giant hairy turdball.  I mean he does look like the great porn stars of the past like Saddam Hussein and Joseph Stalin (By the way, Joseph Stalin in Boinksheviks is a must-see).

Or maybe he is a giant turdball, as a matter of fact The Turd of the Week™.

Enjoy it gangsta stylz

Will Work For Job

I have a knack for entering a career at the exact moment that career begins to decline. I worked as a newspaper reporter in a bureau that currently no longer exists. I got out at the right time (after the second buyout and before the first furlough) to start my new career as a school librarian. Right around 2008. Something else happened in 2008….what was it? Hmm.

Oh right, the financial meltdown.

My school district is in a financial hole, my position is unmandated and my administrators (who make 4 to 5 times more than me) think “well, she just reads books to kids, couldn’t a toy monkey clanging cymbals together do that?” (Answer: yes)

So there’s a 110 percent chance I will be laid off the end of this school year.

Now I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one where I can buy food and have shelter. You’re likely thinking “Speaker7, get off your high horse.”

So if I want to continue this lifestyle, I need to start planning for the future. Maybe I’ll open a bookstore, one that also sells CDs.

Don’t worry, I will let you know what I choose the moment I choose it so you can leave that career path immediately before it begins its inevitable decline.

Possible career paths

TV Loudmouth

There is a lot of money to be made in being loud and being on TV. The key is to say something really awful to get someone to pay attention to you, interview you and ask why you say such awful things to which you respond “Typical gotcha question from the liberal media elite.” Possible loudmouth scenario: “Bomb Cameroon! You heard me. Why? They’ve got gorillas. A gorilla once ignored me at the zoo even when I banged as hard as I could on the glass to get her attention away from nursing her baby–which is gross. Breastfeeding is child abuse and if you don’t do it, you are a monster, and if you do do it, you’re no better than a gorilla. What’s my point? My point is women are whores.”

Upside: Crazy uncles parroting my phrases at family gatherings. Coffee mugs with my name on them.

Downside: Having to live with myself.

Haberdasher

Look on any street corner and what do you see? Pawn shops and stores that buy gold. Okay, yes those, but look at some of the other storefronts. Tattoo parlors and furniture rentals. Yes, yes, but keep looking don’t you see that haberdasher shop? No.

Upside: Redemption. In high school, I tried to snag the part of the beloved haberdasher in  The Taming of the Shrew. The part had one line. This was the line: “Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.” I recited the line as if I was the top haberdasher in Verona. I didn’t get the part. The setting is Padua. Completely different haberdasher.

Downside: What is a haberdasher?

Child Star Manager

My 2-year-old son is very cute and game for anything. Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a tree?” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a bush?” Him: “Yes.” I taught him the infamous haberdasher line from The Taming of the Shrew and he totally nailed it.

Upside: Carvel Ice Cream card and other perks.

Downside: I love my son.

Public Librarian

I’ve already got the MLS–seems like a good transition if you discount the reduction in library aid, the zero job openings, and the patrons who only go to the library to look at porn.

Upside: Dewey!

Downside: The public. Cleaning up the public’s bodily fluids.

Paid Blogger

Bwwahhhhhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!

I Take My Burka in an Extra Large.

Do things seem weird?

A little, right?

They do. They do seem weird because they are. I started my Turd of the Week™ segment as a lark, not expecting that elected officials would get so weird about women. But weird about women they have become (almost as weird as the grammar in that sentence).

I am not a fan of either political party. Politicians make me itch like a scorching case of chlamydia. Thankfully I can get some antibiotics from my local Planned Parenthood…oh, that’s right, I can’t. It’s on fire.

See, I say I despise both parties (and I do, believe me), but the Republicans have really been extra Taliban these last few months so this post is mainly about them because frankly, they are awful. Almost as awful as an adult woman wanting to use birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Those goddamn sluts.

I keep having to remind myself that it is 2012. It is, yes? The pill has been around for awhile. Right? It’s good to prevent unwanted pregnancy. (?) Is it? Yes. Yes? Help.

Then what’s with all these weird laws that are trying to be passed under the guise of “religious freedom?” From my limited understanding of our country, the founding fathers were like: “Dudes, religion fucks shit up so let’s make that shit separate from this other stuff, yo.” And John Hancock was like “I’m gonna sign my name all big and shit and people will be like, respeck.” And Alexander Hamilton was like “Whaa?? I can’t run for president? Boo. Oh great, I’ve just been mortally wounded in a duel. That sucks.” And Benjamin Franklin was like “I’m gonna have all kinds of sex, and fly a kite in a thunderstorm and that will be money…so money, I will appear on money.”

Fast-forward to now, and people are wearing tri-corner hats and holding misspelled signs demanding the government get rid of the few safeguards still in place, but also demanding the government take a weird interest in the sex life of women.

Proof:

My mom, who was told she could not become a doctor because of her ovaries (same reason her rightful spot of valedictorian was given to a dude), says it’s about time young women had a taste of the bullshit of the past.  I’m paraphrasing. But her point is that things were really dark for women and for awhile things were better, so much better that young women were like “I would never call myself a feminist because that means I have a mustache. And I don’t. I wax. I’m now going to take my top off for Girls Gone Wild because I can get a trucker hat.” But now things are dark again.

So dark that some elected dude in Wisconsin is like “bitch needs to stay married regardless.” According to this obvious Turd of the Week™ (another early winner, my heart can’t take much more of this), single parenthood–meaning the mommy type–is child abuse so even if your husband is beating you about the face with a bag of doorknobs, please try to “re-find those reasons and get back to why (you) got married in the first place.”

Right.

And the Senate Republicans are trying to block the expansion of the Violence Against Women Act because it would be expanded to include same sex couples and immigrants. Basically if you get the shit kicked out of you, it should be done on your home turf (okay, immigrants?) and by a dude (okay, lesbians?).

My question is this: Can we enact legislation to protect ourselves from these turds other people elected into office?

I don’t know.

But jiminy crickets, ladies, it’s time to set aside the trucker hats and at least not vote more of these loathsome turdpiles into office, right?

Or else the burka ain’t far behind.

Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!

Hall of Famous Turd

I am appalled.

I am appalled that Missouri allows its Hall of Famous Missourians to be denigrated in such manner, but alas it is true.

The Hall of Famous Missourians will soon feature a bronze replica of the medicine ball-sized head of Rush Limbaugh placed precariously on a crate of Oxycontin.

That is not why I am appalled. I am appalled that such a great man will have to share the same space with such sluts as Laura Ingalls Wilder, Sacajawea and George Washington Carver, the man who “invented” the word “slut nut.”

Rush Limbaugh has given so much to the world. He has called members of the National Organization of Women “whores.” He referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as “people having a good time.” He called the poor Missourian children who receive free lunch “wanton little waifs and serfs.” He’s provided the reasoning behind Hillary Clinton’s inability to join the Marines as: “they didn’t have uniforms or boots big enough to fit that butt or those ankles.” In essence, he is a Missouri hero.

What did Laura Ingalls Wilder do? Slut it up with Almanzo Wilder.

Sacajawea? Lent herself out as an escort to Lewis and Clark.

George Washington Carver? Invented the peanut allergy…oh, and was a huge whorebag.

Luckily Missouri House Speaker Steven Tilley has provided the panacea to the scorching case of herpes that is the Hall of Famous Missourians.

Tilley is a political rain man–not only picking Limbaugh, but defending his choice during the firestorm surrounding the latest horrible comments uttered by a drug-addicted colostomy bag.

“I knew some people didn’t like him, but there’s a lot of people in the Hall of Famous Missourians that weren’t the most popular people and that took controversial stances,” said Tilley.

“I’m an excellent driver,” he added.

That’s true. Hall of Famous Missourians alum Dale Carnegie pissed people off all the time with his annoying ability to win friends and influence people. Carnegie said: “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.”

What a dick.

Some people–let’s call them whores?..yes, whores–are upset by Tilley’s choice to honor an anal cyst (thanks Les!) over other Missourians like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes. But I think Tilley shows courage. It takes courage to throw one’s political career into the toilet with a huge-crusted turd.

So Steven Tilley, you deserve your own award. You have received the coveted Turd of the Week™. I will get it bronzed posthaste.

.

Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.

Tag! You’re it! No I’m It! No you! Aww..I ain’t gonna play anymore.

Janie Has a Blog tagged me a few days ago. She hopes to find out information about me much in the same way biologist tag animals to discover such things as their migratory habits or favorite Real Housewife.

Since I’ve mainly been writing about turds, I thought this would make a nice diversion from my weekly routine, and will do everything in my power to make my answers turd-free (fyi–i am very weak and have very ineffectual power).

This game has rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Here are the questions Janie asked:

1.) What is your biggest regret in life? Watching the movie Glitter

2.) What makes you angry? Thinking about the regret I feel from watching the movie Glitter.

3.) Are you capable of forgiving and forgetting? I forgot this question and I forgive myself for forgetting. 

4.) What do you consider the biggest fight you’ve ever had in your life? I had just moved from New Jersey to California because my mom got a new job. For some reason this group of guys begin targeting and bullying me. At the school dance, I decided to exact revenge. One of the guys was rolling a joint in the bathroom stall, and I surreptitiously snaked a hose over the top and let the water pour in. The gang caught up with me and almost gave me the beating of my life until they were stopped by the maintenance guy at my apartment complex who turned out to be a martial arts expert. Now that I think about, this is actually a scene from The Karate Kid.

5.) What is the ugliest part of your personality? I say outright lies to sway people to think a certain way…oh, wait I just turned into a politician for a second, sorry about that. My ugliest part of my personality is my giant butt. 

6.) Do you choose to see the best or the worst in people? Why? I’m incapable of seeing anything but turds. 

7.) Do you think other life forms exist in the universe? Yes..proof

8.) If God were to grant you a wish, what would it be? More ketchup

9.) What would you do if a stranger threw a spoon at you? (This happened to me!) Likely nothing at the moment, but I would give that stranger the Turd of the Week™ award.

10.) You are sky diving and you realize that you can’t open your parachute so, in a few moments you are about to die. What do you think would be your last thoughts? I wish I could post this on Facebook. 

11.) What will you do tomorrow? Throw a spoon at a stranger.

Here are the questions for the people I’m tagging

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

4.) How doomed are we?

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

7.) Which religion is correct?

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

10.) What’s up?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Here are the people I’m tagging:

Angie from Childhood Relived

Les from Best Bathroom Books

Life in the Boomer Lane

Becoming Cliche

Man of Errors

Nancy from Not Quite Old

Chris Sheridan of Word Play

Logyexpress

Elyse of Fifty Four and a Half

Lyssapants of Psychobabble

Gilly and Patrick of It Happens Every Day

“It Makes (Me) a (Turd), Right?”

It must be hard to have had four wives, and to be a recovering Oxycontin addict.

Maybe that’s why radio “personality” Rush Limbaugh says horrible, horrible things? All the time. Why just yesterday, he referred to the woman who was banned from speaking at a Congressional hearing on birth control religious freedom as a “slut.”

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps,” Rush huffed into his microphone, his jowls flapping in indignation.

Well she didn’t actually go before a congressional committee because the head of the congressional committee felt she had no place in a discussion about birth control…er…religious freedom. That was the place of a number of religious men.

But Rush has a point. Are we suppose to be these women’s pimps, dawg? Wait–if we’re the pimps, do we get in on the action, baby? Show daddy some sugar, baby. Aw, now you’re making Speaker7 Daddy angry, baby, and you do not want to make Speaker7 Daddy angry. Speaker7 Daddy does not like to mess up his merchandise, but he will, if he have to, right baby?

What is it with these women wanting to slut it up by controlling the number of children they have? I remember when a friend of mine went on the pill in college to deal with her highly irregular periods, I thought: “slutbag.”

Oh, I know..I know. I know why Rush is so upset. When Rush was buying his Oxycontin illegally, he was not being reimbursed by his insurance company. That is so unfair!! When Rush was lying on his couch in an Oxycontin-induced stupor, fiddling with his nonexistent penis, some college slut was regulating her menstrual cycle in a very slut-tastic manner.

In between her bouts of sex, Sandra Fluke has spoken out against Rush Limbaugh saying “No woman deserves to be disrespected in this manner.”

A cowed Rush said today she should buy $1 condom at CVS if she wants to continue to be the whore she is.

Maybe that’s the Oxycontin-craving talking….or maybe it makes Rush a turd, right?

Yeah, a turd. In fact, a Turd of the Week™. Enjoy it, slut!