Well fuck a duck, I am back in the world I belong.
The real one?
With people? And their breathing? And farting?
Awful.
It’s just too much arm flesh and air molecules and tote bags. We are much safer here, readers. Let’s never leave again.
I have a few stories from my roadtrip to the “Insurance Capital of the World” where I librarianed it up for 2.5 days that I wanted to share with you because duck a fuck, this month will never end.
I got to see Jon Scieszka in person!!!! Squeee!!!
And–I shit you not–but I got Adam Gidwitz’s autograph!
It’s likely you have no idea who I’m talking about (Alice might), but to a pack of middle-aged librarians, these guys are the the 12-year-old girl’s version of One Direction.
Jon Scieszka wrote The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, which if you haven’t read, you must read now.
Go.
You don’t have either? Go to your library then.
Yes I mean right now.
Okay, are you done?
Rock star, right?
Adam Gidwitz wrote my favorite new series A Tale Dark & Grimm, in which he basically un-Disneyfies all these Grimm tales and we get back to the head removal and children eating.
In other conference news, I was woken from a crappy sleep at 2:30 a.m. by a man, and I believe, two women drunkenly trying to get into the room next door. It appeared from my vantage point in front of the peep hole that they could not conquer the difficult task of inserting the key card into the key slot so that other things could be inserted into other slots.
It also appeared as if the bloke did not know the two women (or woman) all that well although one attempted to mount his back several times. She then would let out a peal of laughter that caused my teeth to rattle out of my head and drop to the floor.
I thought to myself: Was I going to audibly witness my first threesome?
After what appeared to be 20 minutes, the guy opened the door and pushed the woman or women inside and said good night.
A minute or so later, one of the room’s occupants attempted to get out again, but was stymied by the door latch. She gets an A for effort though since she bashed that door against the doorframe about 50 times.
Travel fun!
Speaker7 is glad to be back home with consistent Internet access so she can continue to churn out slop posts as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Only 13 left to go!
Jesus…is that true?
Speaker7 
Oh, I loved The True Story of the Three Little Pigs! I remember reading it when I was little. I need to get that book for my nephew. It’s a fun one.
I also recommend Jon Scieszka’s Squids will be Squids and Cowboy and Octopus.
It’s all down hill from here, Speaker7. You can do it. I was not familiar with the books you mentioned but will happily look them up. They sound like good books for the kiddies.
My next posts might just be this: “pfffttttttttttt” cuz my brain is deflating every day.
Loved the story of the threesome – that was not going to happen! That bloke behaved like a real gentleman – got any name or telephone number? *just kidding – I would have to go to REAL world for that*
It would have been amazing if I saw any of them at one of the librarian workshops.
I can’t believe you didn’t call the front desk and have security come up and give those girls a strict talking-to! I HATE when I get woken up in a hotel by rude people …. but somehow you still made it funny! Can’t wait for the next 13 posts!!!
I had considered leaving my room, yanking the keycard out of his hand and opening the door for them, but I feared the herpes.
Were the folks on the verge of the threesome attending the same conference you were?
If so, then I allowed my ALA membership to lapse *WAY* too soon…
No, although that would have been really awesome. Librarians can come up with some pretty good pick-up lines like “Dewey want to do me?”
Hey, that one beats the old stand-by: “Nice stacks!”
Drunk librarians on parade! Yes, I recall having to help a drunk librarian back to her room. No telling where she would have ended up otherwise since she tried to get on the wrong bus back from the bar. (Free margaritas = trouble for stressed librarians). I was like you and spent most of the conference getting autographs from cool authors (Scieszka is da bomb) rather than actually going to the meetings. I have to check out the Gidwitz guy. Funny that I’ve just decided to cover the Disney fairy tales . . .
A Tale Dark & Grimm is fantastic. I highly recommend.
I do own a copy of Stinky Cheese Man, and have been giving it as a gift for years.
That is a pretty outstanding gift.
I had no idea conventions for Librarians could be so much…fun. Welcome back. 🙂
Who knew librarians got so down and dirty? And teenage boy fantasies live on…
Hmm… I’ve had Grimm’s Grimmest for a bazillion years (any number >10 years is a bazillion). It’s a book that (before I had the child who eats everything) I would place on my coffee table for guests to freak out over. I might have to check out this Adam Gidwitz fellow. Thanks!
Here’s my question: do librarians get good swag at their conferences?
Fairly Stupid Tales was such an important book in my childhood. I remember reading it to my youngest brother before it went to bed and we used to laugh our twisted little heads off — it was the best and I would totally treat the author like the sixth member of One Direction if I saw him.
I remember The True Story of the Three Little Pigs! When my niece was little, my favorite thing to give her was revisionist versions of classic children’s stories.
I adore Jon Scieszka’s books! The Stinky Cheese Man is my favorite of his!! Glad you made it home safely and that it was a good conference! Cheers to librarians!
Welcome back. I’m glad you had a good time and got to meet a couple of your role models…even if the rest of us haven’t a clue who the fuck they are. 🙂