history

The Famous Ride of Rush Revere

Great news, everybody!

America’s favorite anal fissure is writing books for children.

rushrevere

Rush was inspired to write the book “to correct the historical record as it’s been distorted in the public school system.”

I get where Rush is coming from. I can imagine it’s very difficult to be a rich, white, heterosexual man in America–never seeing yourself reflected in the top leadership positions, never having your story heard in the history books, feeling marginalized by a lack of opportunities.

It is time for the real history to be heard and who better to tell it than the man who said “when women got the right to vote is when it all went downhill”?

Preach!

The basic premise of the book is Rush plays some heroic middle school substitute teacher who can go back in time with the help of oxycontin a talking horse. Of course, Rush would be a substitute rather than a souless public school teaching leech latched onto the public teat and beholden to the Evil Union Overlords.

Along the way, he attempts to score various opiates and boner-drugs from those time periods–oh and celebrate America’s exceptionalism.

The book was already Amazon bestseller before it was even released, prompting Rush to write more tomes for the kiddies.

Seeing how Rush views a big portion of the population–women, gays, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, all minorities, progressive thinkers, non-Dittoheads–I’m sure his view of history is likely the correct one, like when he said the NAACP “should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.”

Amazingly enough, I was able to obtain some galleys from his upcoming books.

Rush Revere Visits the Founding Fathers

foundingfathers

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Rush Revere Visits the Slave Plantation

slaveplantationRush Revere Visits Women Suffragists

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Rush Revere Visits Ronald Reagan

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Nearly there, nearly there. Only a few days left in this hellish landscape known as NaBloWriMo. Speaker7 continues to plug away as a member of The Nano Poblano Team.

The New War of 1812

Today is the 200th birthday of the War of 1812. I wasn’t quite sure what to buy it, I mean, what do you get for something that’s 200 years old? A sweatshirt that reads “200 Years Young!” (never)

I’m not sure if this is the official day the United States decided to kick some British fanny. Why are British readers laughing? We kicked some fanny all day long and then we discovered Utah.

Maybe.

Let me be upfront about something: I don’t know fanny about the War of 1812, and in this case I’m using the British meaning for fanny. Many of us US of Aers are in this know-nothing boat. We get all apple-piey over the Revolutionary War, and some of us even dress up as Union and Confederate soldiers and reenact significant battles of the U.S. Civil War and then go home and watch our flatscreen TVs just like Ulysses S. Grant.


But the War of 1812? Borrriinnggggggggg.

Why is it so boring?

I don’t know because I don’t know anything about it. And it’s almost as if my brain steadfastly refuses to retain information about it because it spends too much time trying to track down car keys.

NPR devoted a whole hour to it. Some Canadian guy called and was saying how important it was for Canada, and for the life me, I cannot tell you why. It’s like when he started to talk, my brain heard “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”. The war also did … something important and launched somebody big to the White House, and people were like “damn” or “tally-ho” which is more representative of the American-speak of that time. Dolly Madison made her first snack cakes and saved a portrait of George Washington because she was totally into him, and that pissed off James Madison like you wouldn’t believe. The British stole some American sailors, and we liked France so much that Congress passed a resolution naming the fried potatoes in the Capitol cafeteria “French Fries.”

Some of this may not have happened.

I think the main problem is the lack of a hook. You know how the Revolutionary War had all that bedazzle? People were throwing tea into the river and people were yelling really cool stuff like “Give me liberty, yo” and it was all about Freedomy™ freedom.

The War of 1812 had to do with something about trade restrictions, according to the first few sentences of Wikipedia, and then I just tuned out the rest. No hook to rest my brain cap:

But isn’t America all about reinventing itself, and its people about picking and choosing events from history to support their worldview?

Hellz yesz, says all those people who believe the founding fathers wanted the Bible to be our constitution.

So can’t we twinge the War of 1812 and make it a little more spectacular? Like instead of *yawn* trade restrictions, can’t it be something like British Admiral Fitzsimmons Jackhole kidnapped Uncle Sam right before he was about to marry Betsy Ross. And then James Madison got together a super-fighting squad of former rebels and they flew on bald eagles over to Europe and just annihilated the feces outta of em, incidentally with eagle feces. And then Lee Greenwood’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather wrote “Proud to be an eagle-flying American”. Or something

And then on the anniversary, we can unite as Americans by getting drunk as #$!%$ and wearing synthetic eagle feathers made in China.

That is a hook.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic?

Well, maybe not for everyone.

This Post is Brought to You By Metamucil

There are heroes out there people.

We might disagree over what makes someone a hero. I personally think it’s butt-accentuating tights. You might think a hero is someone who has the ability to blog about heroes wearing butt-accentuating tights while simultaneously watching The Voice without pouring cement in one’s ears.

You might be onto something, although I’m not sure because someone is shrieking into a microphone and it’s hard to concentrate. That is some voice.

But I think we can all agree that the act of heroism is elevated by the right product placement.

Take our latest hero who went against the grain by not donning a cape. Instead he used a handful of “cheese”-flavored Pringles to fight crime. He is Snackman.

I learned about him from the Today show where Matt Lauer is paid tens of millions of dollars to explain it all. It wasn’t Matt doing the story, but rather one of the female anchors who kept trying to get Snackman to “pop off” his shirt. She would make a great Awkwardwoman because this exchange could not be more awkward.

Snackman diffused a fight on a New York City subway by getting between the kicking legs of a man and woman, all the while never breaking his stride of munching on his stack of Pringles. Did the dried potato flakes have something to do with Snackman’s heroism? Or maybe it was the Pringle man’s pristine mustache? Or the buckets and buckets of salt? Who knows?

In fact, according to Awkwardwoman, Snackman has approached Pringles about possibly getting some kind of endorsement deal. “Next time we’ll get you to pop that top!” she cackles and cackles.

Please, please stop.

He left with a gift basket of Pringles, and he carried it very heroically.

Wouldn’t it be great if other heroes did the same?  Not carry Pringles baskets, but sought out advertisers. Like, maybe it would make history less dullsville and more wowsville.

Take Paul Revere. Booorrrrriiinnnnnggg. He rode a horse and bellowed about the British coming, which–granted–was important information. But what if he also could have let the general non-Loyalist public know about some outstanding solutions to their dilemma of what to serve for dinner?

Just think if he had to deliver those pizzas in a 30-minute window? Pretty freakin’ heroic.

Or George Washington. He had shitty teeth. I could forgive that if he crossed the Delaware with his fingertips caked in Cheetos’ dust.

Or Harriet Tubman. She was pretty bad ass, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if she shared some tips on how she evaded slavecatchers?

Or take Lincoln. What the frick does that Gettysburg Address even mean, yo? I don’t care, because now he looks like a dude who could just hang and play hackysack.

See, don’t they seem so much more hero-y?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I see things different because I’ve added fiber to my diet and now I can shit with the best of them.

I’m Speaker7, and I fight crime with Metamucil.

History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.