walmart

I’m Thankful For Shopping Orgy

Is anyone else annoyed that Thansgiving falls smack dab in the middle of Hallowed Black Friday Weeklong Extravaganza Shopping Orgy?

Just like this guy,

blackfridayorgy

From USA Today – this guy set up his tent on 11/19.

I was getting ready to set up my tent outside Walmart this Saturday when my mom calls with: “Thanksgiving will be at 4 p.m. at Aunt Janet’s house. Can you bring a pecan pie?”

I replied as respectfully as I could:  “Jesus christ, mom. Are we still fucking doing this shit? Thanksgiving? More like Nothanksgiving.”

There is no way I’m leaving my tent and losing out on a $2 Personalized Snowmen Stick Family Doormat, which clearly shows my love of family togetherness.

doormat

I thought we had agreed as a society to retire this lame “thankfulness” nonsense and celebrate what the holidays are truly about–my ability to buy a LEGO® Legend of Chima set at half the price. And if I have to destroy every man, woman and child in the process, so be it.

These people get it:

blackfrihappinessThe stores are doing what they can by opening earlier and earlier and offering too-good-too-pass-up-even-though-my-grandparents-may-not-be-around-much-longer-and-this-is-the-only-time-I-ever-see-my-sister deals. Like this:

Hepatitis optional.

Hepatitis optional.

So let’s do our part, gentle reader. Let’s kick the stuffing out of Thanksgiving for good.

Speaker7 will be writing the rest of the posts during NaBloWriMo from her tent outside of Walmart. 

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Job Application #2

I once tried to work at Walmart.

I took a personality test. There were a lot of questions about stealing. The scenarios were very Jean Val Jeanesque. There were a lot of questions about loyalty. The scenarios were very freedomy™. I think there were questions about pooping or I may be confusing the test with the questions asked by priests during premarital counseling sessions.

I did not get the job.

I am now applying for a new job. I’m a bit late to the game, and nearly missed the deadline. This weekend, I became intimate with the toilet and forged a bond that is usually reserved for war buddies.

This special relationship caused me to miss the love blooming between Blank and the 753 women he is dating on The Bachelor. I can only assume someone said they weren’t “here to make friends,” and Blank blandly stated his connectivity prospects with another lifeform or inanimate object. So basically this paragraph is my recrap of episode 3.

Anyhow, I am here to apply for the president of the Bozo the Clown fanclub. I’m sure I have gotten this wrong, but I am too lazy to refer back the original post written by Le Clown. Here I’ve linked it. You can tell me in the comments if I got it right.

I vaguely recall some rules, such as writing a post to show why you deserve it. I probably don’t. I’m uncomfortable with power. I’m socially awkward. I lasted in the Girl Scouts for about a week.

And yet, I seek it because I’m looking to jolt some Jolt Cola back into my own blog and writing. I figured if anyone could create inspiration it would be the magnificent™ Le Clown himself. I heard he once took a turtle turd and turned it into mashed potatoes.

If you did not know (i.e. you are one of the three people on earth who have never heard of Le Clown), every day is fucking magical. I believe this is true. Did you know that you can throw up several times and still feel like shit? That is kind of magical.

Before I virtually met Le Clown, I was a sad little man, seeking to restrict a woman’s right to everything:

The Before Picture

The Before Picture

And then something happened. Le Clown commented on a blog post. I believe he wrote:

“Speaker7,

Fuck™.

Le Clown”

And I was sucked into a magical world, one where unicorns make out with white baby jesuses.

Now I’m a happy little man seeking to restrict a woman’s access to everything:

The After Picture. You can too! Only 3 installments of $99.99!! Call today!

The After Picture. You can too! Only 3 installments of $99.99!! Call today!

I feel at this point, I would even be able to land that job at Walmart.