Month: December 2013

How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

Whoop-de-doo. I have a post up at the other place The Official How To Blog.

The Official How To Blog

2013 is quickly coming to a close, and with it all your crushed dreams, mediocre sexcapades, Bieber retirement announcements and dashed hopes. But there’s a brand new year on the horizon, and now is the time to set up your list of resolutions.

Follow this advice to create the greatest resolution list known to man.

1. “I will lose weight”

Nearly everyone’s New Year’s list will include the phrase “I will lose weight.” And you will go to the supermarket that first week in January and buy celery and sawdust and maybe even that Jillian Michael’s exercise ball in the shape of her mouth, and then the celery will wilt, a bird will make a nest out of the sawdust, and you will be eating a stick of butter coated in nutella on top of a partially deflated exercise ball that has become part of your ass structure. A…

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The Final Countdown

Today marks the last post in the Anonymous Le Contest of Secular Holidayness.

I promise it will be worth your time to head on over to Le Clown’s blog. I think today’s post may contain dick pics and who doesn’t love dick pics.

weinerroast

For those slightly confused by the above sentences, Le Clown has been displaying anonymous posts all week. Your job is to figure out who wrote them.

Your choices are:

Those who participate have the chance of winning something pretty amazing. I don’t want to give too much away, but I have caught Hugo doing some provocative selfies in the bathroom so basically: dick pics.

Le Clown will reveal the results in a star-studded special on Dec. 24 hosted by Ryan Seacrest and a sock puppet Ryan made to look like Dick Clark. Justin Bieber will unveil his new song titled “Irrelevance” and then be thrown into a pit filled with rabid wolves. It will be truly something.

And just because I want to mention this again: dick pics.

Connect 4

The game is still afoot as Scooby Doo once said to Shaggy.

Head over to Le Clown’s Rodeo Hour to see what the blazes I’m talking about.

Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

If you guess right, you will be entered into a drawing to win something fantastic like the chance to do my laundry for a month–but even better!

Previous posts:

The Fun Will Never End

That’s not entirely true. The fun will end this Friday, but it feels like it will never end and that’s what’s only important–feelings.

If you haven’t a clue what I’m yammering about, I’m speaking of Le Clown’s Festival of Secular. Since Monday, Le Clown has displayed an anonymous post and it’s up to you to guess who wrote it. Your choices are:

Even if you’re late to the game, you can still visit the Monday and Tuesday posts and make your guess. Any post you think is the best is the one that I wrote.

Have I mentioned the prizes? Oh, I just did. They will be something fantastic like sauna-pants fantastic.

Play today!

Shit’s Gettin Real

Wow…that’s a terrible title, but probably will help you pick my post out of the line up.

That’s right! It’s day 2 in the “Who Wrote This Post” contest over at Le Clown’s Clown Car Round-up

If you’re late to the game, you still have a shot to post a comment and guess who wrote the anonymous posts. You have the following choices:

There’s also a chance the post was written by Donald Trump or some other fictional character.

To give you a heads up, my post will not contain any Hugo reference or my standard stock photo nonsense like so:

nutsack

There are prizes! My prize is a picture of Hugo twerking on Miley Cyrus’s tongue. If that’s not incentive enough, I don’t know what is.

The Most Dangerous Game

No, not really, but I am participating in this cool “Guess Who Wrote This?” game over at Le Clown’s Clown Emporium.

Every day this week, an anonymous holiday post will run and you have to guess who wrote it. It could be Le Clown, Madame Weebles, Rarasaur, Jen of Sips of Jen and Tonic or me.

Or it could have been miraculized into being by White Baby Jesus. That’s how tricky this guessing game is.

I’m trying so hard not to give it away, but my piece has stuff in it and things too. And it’s running on a day that ends in “day.”

Fuck.

I totally just gave it away.

So please visit all week and boost up Le Clown’s stats (Dammit!!! Now I know why he did this!!!!) whilst mine continue their dive down the toilet.

I believe there are prizes. One is a $35-off coupon for a free lobotomy performed by Hugo. I realize that makes no sense, but I find it best never to question him.

Make me proud, people.

Maximum Rage

Back in 1994, at my first post-collegiate job, I earned a whopping $4.50 an hour. This was a whole quarter above the minimum wage so you could basically say I was living the high life.

I was an “online server” in a coffee house back when online meant actually being on a line and handling a variety of insane customers–kinda of like the Internet with less anonymity.

I fondly remember “scone man.” He would hand me two heavily-stained coffee mugs that likely never touched soap and spent 10 minutes selecting the best scone. One day, he gave me the honor of selecting the scone for him. I felt I had reached the pinnacle of my career. As I rang him up, he took the scone out of the bag, inspected it, placed it back inside the bag, swung the bag around his head and slammed it three times against the counter.

“Yeah, nice and soft,” he said and left.

Nearly 20 years later, the minimum wage is a whole $3 more, and many minimum wage workers are protesting that is not nearly enough to live on.

While a minium wage annual income is a couple of thousands below the poverty line, low-income workers are missing one crucial point:

We have way more choices on TV.

Back in 1968 when the minimum wage was at its peak and would have been the equivalent of $10.60 in today’s dollars, TV was kind of lame.

There was only a couple of channels. Nothing was 24 hours. News was actually news.

Boresville.

But now?

While low-income workers might not earn enough to have three decent daily meals, they can watch a buttload of cooking shows that almost makes you feel like you’ve eaten. There’s Top Chef  and the 4,000 other cooking shows that want to be Top Chef.

I wish I could take credit for this brilliant insight, but the credit is all due to Virginia Postrel, a writer and supposed human, who wrote a compelling piece for Bloomberg.com titled “Who Needs a Raise When You Have TV?”

Who indeed.

I mean just the other day, I was thinking my 14-year-old car with its 170,000 miles might not last another year and could I really afford a car payment and then I saw a clip of Miley Cyrus twerking on a three-day-old burrito and I thought….well, I forgot.

Because TV is awesome.

Postrel acknowledges that wages have stagnated over the last four decades, but for fuck’s sake poor people, you’ve got Duck Dynasty (slight paraprase). You don’t have to worry about how you’ve been left behind by the Kardashians because you can keep up with them on DVR.

Postrel reports we watch way more television now because what the fuck else are you going to do as you kill time between your first and second job? Or maybe you have the “ample leisure time” to watch hours of Fox News reports insisting a minimum wage increase will break the bank because your hours have been cut just before the holiday season or you were just laid off.

So buck up, poor person. Turn on that TV to that yuletide log burning in the fireplace so you aren’t reminded that you haven’t paid your heating bill and revel in the abundance.