Month: November 2012

The Fat Lady is Singing

It’s over.

Thank jolly rancher, it is the last day of November and my final day of writing a daily post. I feel like I should celebrate.

Oh right. First I’ve got to write this goddamned post.

A few days ago, I sought out your help. I asked you to vote on a series of post ideas, and you obliged me by mostly voting to allow me to rerun a post from my seedy past.

I felt as a thank you, I would write mini-versions of all the other post ideas. The mini-versions will be performed by my favorite troup of stock photo models.

Pecan Sandies – Who the Fuck Eats These? (received 2 votes, one from my mother)

You survive and yet Twinkie is dead. Seriously these cookies are disgusting. They taste like sand. I’d actually rather eat pecans covered in sand than these.

People magazine’s Top 10 Stories of 2012 even though there’s more than a month left (3 votes)

To be fair, the top 10 stories were pretty awesome.

Full disclosure: I did not know many of the “celebrities” that did these top things. I did recognize Jessica Simpson. She had a baby. Top story #6.

My Best Spam Emails (13 votes)

Most of my wordpress spam are spambots remarking on how much they’ve learned from reading my website and like studying my articles, but sometimes these spambots can be downright hurtful.

Gigantic Greeting Cards (2 votes)

This is actually a thing.

Other (7 votes)

My bad habits from A to J – suggested by Wendy of Wendy’s Works.

Significant Udders – suggested by Adam S. of My Right to Bitch.

A book review of the The Secret – suggested by Angie Z. of Childhood Relived

And finally what happened to speakers 1 through 6 – suggested by both Laura of Unlikely Explanations and Jo Eberhardt

Desperately Seeking Hugo

Hugo is lonely, guys.

He would never publicly admit this, but he has grown tired of making out with his reflection and longs for the touch of a real woman.

I know this because I found Hugo’s profile on Christian Mingle. He used my email address so now I’m receiving daily Bible verses for which I’m ever so grateful. Today’s: For I am the LORD, I change not (Hugo 3:6).

I am aware of some of my readers’ obsession with Hugo’s denim shirt and eyeybrowless face. Maybe you will be the one to mingle with his Christian dingle, if you get my drift.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This was the second most popular choice in the what-the-eff-should-I-write-about-in-the-remaining-days poll. Tomorrow it ends. And to celebrate, Speaker7 will make out with Hugo and film it. . . only if she’s drunk enough. 

An Oldie But Goodie – Santa Claus is Kind of a Dick

Dearest Reader,

What you are reading is a recycled post. I crafted this homage to Santa Claus’s dickery back before the iPhone 5 was invented, Beyonce still had a baby inside her uterus and Hugo was trapped in a box in the basement. 

Where has the time gone? For those who are reading this for a second time, thanks for following me since November 2011. For my new followers, my archives are full of such gems including one that has a picture of Richard Simmons wearing a pom-pom tank top. 

And a special thanks to all who voted for this choice in the What-the-blazes-should-I-write-about-for-the-last-three-installments-of-NaBloWriMo poll. I love you too.

The claymation masterpiece Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was something a young Speaker7 looked forward to watching every Christmas. Then she got older, lost her looks, gained a hair in her neck, and discovered a truth:

Santa Claus is a dick.

And a bigot.

And kind of an asshole.

His behavior throughout the entire show is deplorable. Santa does not have the best reaction when he catches sight of Rudolph without the prosthetic brown nose Donner makes him wear.

The subtext is clear: you better be a conformist brown-noser. This opens up the poor little reindeer to taunts and ridicule and his expulsion from all the reindeer games. Santa does nothing to discourage the bullying, and in fact seems to revel in it, holding onto his disgusting jelly belly as he laughs and laughs.

So what choice does Rudolph have, but to leave the home he’s only known and travel to New York City where differences are not just accepted, they’re completely ignored.

He meets Ratso Rizzo with the hope that Ratso can help him become a hustler. He meets up with Hermey who has also been ostracized for his unwillingness to work in Santa’s sweatshop.

Together the two travel to the Island of Misfit Toys where toys that did not meet Santa’s standards are sent to die. You know who Santa’s beginning to sound like right? Yeah, I’m going to say it…Martha Stewart. She is a dick.

Rudolph ekes out a living in the wilderness and a few months later decides to return home. He arrives in the middle of a blizzard. Santa is flipping out that he won’t be able to perform his one-day a year job, and talks about canceling Christmas Eve. Santa then has a brilliant idea.

So everything is now hunky dory because the freak reindeer can actually be useful. Great message, Santa. Well done.


NaBloWriMo Coming to a Clo

Sweet Jesus on a Pringle! The end of November is near and soon endeth my indenture servitude to the 30-post-a-day blog challenge.

Three posts remain. What will they be about?

Seriously, I’m asking you, what will they be about?

That’s right, the last three posts will be chosen by you, the reader!

I was toying around with some ideas:

  • Pecan Sandies – Who the fuck eats these?
  • People Magazine wraps up the top stories of 2012 even though there’s still more than a month left to the year
  • My best spam emails
  • Gigantic greeting cards
  • What Hugo is looking for in a woman and/or puppet
  • The best Speaker7 post you never read from the time she had 9 followers
  • something about that thing

As you can see, I’m struggling. That’s where you come in.

You will vote for the post you would like to read.

Full disclosure: I do not want to write about pecan sandies. I really don’t know why anyone eats them. At my former workplace, we would take turns buying treats for the office, and my boss would buy these, and it was the equivalent of giving a kid Mary Janes for Halloween. And that’s pretty much all I have to say on the matter.

If you vote for other that means you want to read something other than the shit ideas I’ve been toying with. Leave your suggestions in the comments, please.

And so the endeth begineth.

Christmas Crap-a-looza

Another Black Friday has come and gone.

Maybe you weren’t able to pummel someone in the face to get your hands on a $4.99 version of this:

Does it make sense that the model is not wearing her hair in a ponytail?

And for that I’m truly sorry.

But there still are some great deals to be had. And they’re all conveniently located in one spot: The LTD Commodities catalog!

Recently I received mine in the mail, and picked out my favorites, which I cut out and mailed ransom-note-style to Santa. I made it quite clear if I don’t receive these items, I will cut his bowl-full-of-jelly belly.

But I wasn’t just thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, and I wanted to share my knowledge to help you find the perfect present for that acquaintance you got stuck with in the secret santa drawing or a “loved” one.

What do you get for the man in your life or total stranger coworker who enjoys sitting on a tree stump to drink his coffee, but thinks outerwear is too cumbersome?

Men’s Performance Thermal Sets.

Maybe the man in your life or total stranger coworker is more of an indoorsy sort.

Have you ever witnessed a loved one or random coworker bite into an egg sandwich and just get the bread. And the loved one or random coworker was like “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Well, life just got better for this person. I give you…The Microegg™:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker likes to hunt, but does poorly because he covers his shaving accidents with Dora the Explorer band-aids.

This person desperately needs these:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is more of a brainiac type who enjoys puzzles and boring you with facts about Star Trek convention hook-ups.

Then The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions is the ultimate gift of ultimateness.

Maybe your loved or random coworker is a girl and finds tools all icky and hurty-like because “ow…my manicure.”

Then there’s this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is football fan, but not just a normal fan–one who borders on obsessive. Like when his team plays, he doesn’t just paint his face, he paints his balls in his team colors, and you know this and you die a little every day.

Then get this person this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is filled with pep and zing, always cheering your minor accomplishments like your ability to do a number 2 in the workplace.

Get back at this person with this:

Yup. You might know someone who would actually put this in his house and that’s okay because someone has to, I guess.

The boot lamp.

Maybe your loved one or coworker is really stressed out and stressed for time so this is the perfect combo gift:

Or maybe your loved one or random coworker is someone you don’t know very well so you just go ahead and get something Christmas-related because what the fuck else are you going to buy.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wrote this post in the dim light of her cowboy boot lamp. 

What the Fuck is Pinterest?

Seriously. What is it?

Because I just spent two hours pinning things, and I don’t know what happened to my life.

Like with so many other things, my awareness of Pinterest began on Facebook. That’s where I learned the weekend goes by much quicker than Monday and that rainy weather is a bummer. I was going to like someone’s status update about needing coffee, when this ecard caught my eye.

That sounded like so much fun! With real sledding, there’s the cold and the snow and then the walking and sitting and walking again and it’s like, what am I at work?

But what the fuck is Pinterest?

According to Pinterest, Pinterest is a virtual pinboard.

Great. What the fuck is that?

It’s a place to organize and share beautiful things one finds on the web. 

So like a book marking site?


I figured I needed to do some real-life research so I went to the Pinterest website, became really confused by the jumbled nature of it, joined it, “followed” boards I don’t understand and created new boards.

I still can’t explain what it is though. Here’s my first board:

I next pinned this:

And then I stopped at this:

Because seriously, I should be packing for my impending move to a new house not pinning. Wait…can I just pin my furniture to a board I call “New House?”

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wishes she could pin all of you except she doesn’t know what that means. 

Hunky Hugo Unfortunately Answers Your Questions

This was not a well-thought out plan. Curse you, NaNoWriMo.

In case you didn’t know, I began a new feature called Ask Hunky Hugo™ where readers could submit questions to the world’s creepiest half-man puppet. I completely stole this idea from the Byronic Man. So basically all this weirdness is his fault.

Some of you had questions that were of a sexual nature. These made Hugo very excited, which in turn made me feel a discomfort that rivaled the time a giant golden retriever burst in on me in the bathroom.

From Wendy of Writer Wendy ReidMy husband no longer satisfies me sexually. I am horny all of the time and I work in an all male environment. Would it be wrong to have a gang bang in the parking lot one day after work?

Storkhunter wanted to know: Since you portrayed Christian and managed to get Goofy Ana pregnant even with only half a body, perhaps you have some advice on sexual positions for effective procreation.

Nancy of Not Quite Old wondered: Do you think older women are sexier than younger women? What is the sexiest thing about women over 60?

Tara of Always Overthinking It pondered: Do you prefer to go down on women with or without your mustache? Do you find they enjoy it more or less?

Maggie O’C of Someone Fat Happened: I have been waiting for this moment for months now. I won’t read any posts if you aren’t in them. Any, not just Speaker7′s. Two questions:
1. How do you feel about product placement in blogs?
2. Will you get me pregnant even if I’m menopausal and you have no genitals?

Jo Eberhardt queried: Back when you were just an anonymous half-man puppet amongst starting out on the rollercoaster ride of fame and infamy that was Speaker7′s 50 Shades Recraps, I thought you were creepy looking. But now when I look at your smooth head and your expressive eyes, I find myself moved by your extreme hotness. How did you get so sexy? Have you had plastic surgery?

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant:

Some of you had questions about Hugo’s lack of a down there–sorry I have lost all other terminology to describe it from my Fifty Shades of Grey recrapping. And some of you worried about Hugo’s mental health from his participation in the Fifty Shades recraps as the enigmatic and buttpluggy Christian Grey.

Miranda Gargasz of Scattering Moments worried: What sort of medication do you take for the PTSD you suffer through after participating in all those recraps? Seriously, I need to know. After only making it through chapter 7 of the first book I find the flashbacks unbearable. Any help you can give me, Hugo, would help.

Michelle Gillies of Silk Purse Productions asked: Were you at all uncomfortable gaining fame and fortune from portraying the 50 Shades of Grey recrap moments? What made you the most uncomfortable?

Lyssa of Psychobabble expressed concern about Hugo’s genitals: Where did you leave your legs? And your genitals? Did they shrivel up after all that recrapping with Ana?

iRuniBreathe questioned: Hugo, where are your pants? And legs, for that matter.

Blogless Wonder wondered: Dear Hugo, if you did have legs and all that comes with them, would you have the kind of feet where the big toe is the biggest, or would you have those weird feet where the second toe is actually the longest? Also, how big would your feet be? Just curious!

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant.

The rest were a smorgasbord of bizarre that really had no common grouping. Hugo decided to answer these individually.

I’m sorry.

Jules from Go Jules GoHunky Hugo, do you like it when girls cry? If so, then what are you feelings on Fergie from Black-Eyed Peas, who claims, rather passionately, that big girls don’t cry

Heather from Becoming Cliche asked: Hugo, I can’t balance a checkbook. Should I see a chiropractor?

El Guapo asked: Hugo: Are you just a pawn in Speaker 7s play for world domination, or are you just biding your time, lulling her into a false sense of security until you can run off with all her reindeer sweaters?

Jen from Sips of Jen & Tonic: Cockfighting: sexy man play or cruel animal sport?
Would rather: Charlie Sheen in his Tiger Blood phase or Nick Nolte during his mugshot phase? I found out I have herpes while browsing WebMD. Is that a deal breaker for you?

She’s a Maineiac posed this: How can we stop Dr. Phil? Who would you rather have sex with, Stalin or Dr. Phil? How much wine is appropriate to drink on Thanksgiving? Is it okay if I get sloshed, then ask my mom why she never loved me while I’m passing her the peas?

Alice of Alice at Wonderland and Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat both wondered what Hugo was doing with the locks of hair he collects from his admirers.

The final question was by far Hugo’s favorite. After he read it, he made out with his reflection for over an hour. I present Madame Weeble’s tour de force:

Madame Weebles of Fear No Weebles: Do you prefer to garotte your victims using leverage, or brute strength?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the 4,000th post or at least it feels that way.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

This will be short because there is funnel of gravy with my name on it.

What I’m thankful for:

  • funnels of gravy
  • priceless sculptures

exhibit A

  • families who pose in unitards

  • celebrities’ obligatory Thanksgiving comments

  • Advice books

  • Fifty Shades-inspired homages

And…..what am I missing?

Oh yes, all of you. For reals, people. This has been one of the most creatively fulfilling things I have ever done, and that’s saying a lot because I once covered a lawnmower race. All kidding aside, thanks for reading me, giving me inspiration and making me laugh.

Now go eat your weight in gravy. Even if you aren’t American and celebrating Thanksgiving, it’s still a great idea.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is why she has intruded on your holiday. 

Easter, Flag Day Sexier Than Thanksgiving

Well shit.

Here I was. All excited for my four-day Thanksgiving holiday, and come to find out that Thanksgiving is NOT a sexy holiday.

Horn of plenty? More like horn of wah-wah.

It’s true.

It’s true because I read it in Glamour magazine. Not only do I have 60 fun nail polish ideas to try this week (Must remember to stock up on nail polish remover), but I will have to do my sexy at some other holiday because scientifically,  Thanksgiving is a cold turkey.

Why so unsexy, Thanksgiving?

Because someone had a deadline to fill and someone else said “Just write something about Thanksgiving and put sex in it. Can’t you see I’m doing my nails? Fuck, I have 54 other combinations to try out. Get out of my office!”

Was I suppose to really read the article?

Cheezus cripes, okay, okay I’ll read it.

My face feels numb.

So there are 28 reasons, and I read them all. And in between my reading, I changed my nail polish 4 times.

It basically comes down to this:

Your genitals stay covered up because your Aunt Sylvia would be like “Um….why am I seeing your pubic hair” and turkey skin is all goosebumpily.

It’s not like Easter with the eggs and sperm and bunnies copulating like…well bunnies. Or Flag Day with those flags on those poles, waving their patriotism in people’s faces.

So, sorry America. You will have to celebrate your Thanksgiving in a sexless fashion, which I think kinda works since it commemorates the pilgrims and stuff and they were way uptight.

Don’t fret because Dec. 8 is Take It In the Ear Day. And that sounds sexy as shit.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is getting in her way of her Take It In the Ear Day celebration, but she soldiers on because she loves you.