Top 10 Turds of 2012

You may be aware, I run a weekly segment titled Turd of the Week™.*

*Full disclosure: This is not weekly. It’s more of a sporadic segment, but I like Turd of the Week™ moreso than Sporadic Turd™ .

You may also be aware that 2012 is quickly coming to a close, and what better way to ring in the new year than honor some truly spectacular shitball behavior.

I combed the extensive archives (not really), and have put together a top 10 list saluting such incredible craptastic turding.

Yes, Donald Trump is on this list–he, in fact, could be the entire list. I’m also recognizing a completely new turd who has tooted some pretty turdtastic statements in the past couple of days.

1. Donald Trump

The Turd Donald had quite the year. It seemed every time I turned on the TV, he was surpassing his latest bout of idiocy with some assblasting tomfoolery.

He started off the year making media outlets believe they should broadcast the things that he says. We would get reports the Trump was going to make a big annoucement about the Republican presidental candidates or the fact his hair is made out of hamster bedding, then reports guessing what he would say and finally the actual announcement. All this while real news was occurring.

He jumped on the birther train and rode it straight to Batshit Crazy, USA.

He challenged Pres. Obama to release his college transcripts in exchange for a fake donation to a charity like Trump Steaks Inc.  When Hurricane Sandy overshadowed his giant gaping maw, he got on the news extending the deadline.

And then finally, election night, he tweeted the election was a sham cuz the guy who got the most votes won and that we should revolt. Turd-a-licious.

2. Donald TrumpBill O’Reilly

Bill is not about Bill, people.  He is never about self-promotion so when he blathered on forever about the media exploitation of Whitney Houston’s death while promoting his latest historical fantasy novel, it was because he cares.

He cares when he says things like: “Whitney Houston wanted to kill herself. Nobody takes drugs for that long if they want to stay on the planet.”

And this after the 2012 election: “It’s not a traditional America anymore, and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff. They want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama.”

And never forget: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam. What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.”

Falafel Turdafel.

3. Donald TrumpRush Limbaugh

Do I really need to explain this one? I gave Limpball a turd cigar during his whole women-who-use-birth-control-are-sluts phase (1981-present). Remember that fun? Sandra Fluke was a “slut” because she wanted her birth control covered under her insurance plan so it was like “she wants to be paid to have sex.”

Unbelievable, expecially coming from a Missouri Hall of Fame treasure who said this: “When women got the right to vote, is when it all went downhill.”

I vote Big Fat-Headed Turd.

4. Donald TrumpDarrell Issa

The former car thief congressman famously summoned an all male-panel to discuss vaginal domination “religious freedom.”

Old pot-bellied men grumbled over how female contraception meant less possibilities for virgin births, and Issa readily shut down any requests for the ladies to speak on a topic that was essentially about women’s health..er…I mean god stuff. Wasn’t there some sewing the ladies could attend to? Those wrinkles aren’t going to iron out themselves.

He issa turd.

5. Donald TrumpRichard Mourdock

This little beauty resurrected the Turd of the Week™ segment by plopping out this statement: “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

That takes a strong bowel to say God is rape’s cheerleader.

Murdick can share his turd award with that other turdface Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” comment.

So sorry you turds lost your elections.

6. Donald TrumpNewt Gingrich

Giant babyman Newt Gingrich spews many horrible things out of his melon-sized head. I turded him after suffering through his long-winded speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference, but he, like Trump, could be a weekly winner.

Why just a few days ago, he said this gem: “(S)chool administrators should be trained and should have arms that are available under lock and key.” According to Newt, if Dawn Hochsprung–or “that principal” as Newt put it–had been able to kill the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooter first, she would saved a number of lives.

I think I speak for many when I say: Shut the fuck up forever.

7. Donald TrumpTami Fitzgerald

Finally! A woman enters the sewage arena. I gave Tami a nice turd cake topper for her turdish stance against gay marriage. Tami is one of those people who enjoys attributing horrible things to God to get away with saying some horrible homophobic stuff.

According to Tami, God designed marriage, and is directly responsible for that uncomfortable feeling you get when you watch a 12-year-old boy slide a garter up a 45-year-old woman’s leg at a wedding reception. God flips out when people ruin weddings by marrying people they love who happen to share the same set of gentalia because it completely ruins that tradition. Two garter belts! What the fuck are you going to do with that!

8. Donald TrumpGeraldo Rivera

Mario-brother Impersonator Geraldo Rivera is all about keeping it realz, yo. He makes the list for blaming the hoodie on Trayvon Martin’s shooting death, and saying the word “gangsta” in the most grating way possible.

He gets more hair added to his turd’s mustache for saying a “faith-based man” couldn’t possibly have committed the acts of the Sandy Hook shooter.

Whateva gangsturd.

9. Donald TrumpTerry England

Georgia State Rep. Terry England received the turd honor when he compared women to livestock. In a discussion about a bill prohibiting abortion after 20 weeks, England thought it was appropriate to share his experience watching his cows deliver stillborn babies. It was tough on the ol’ birds, but they could do it so why can’t the ladies, amirite fellas?

Salt of the turd, that one.

10. Donald TrumpWayne LaPierre

I have not written much about the Sandy Hook school shootings. I am a loss for what to say. I read stories about funerals held for six and seven year olds, and I’m a blubbering mess. I feel this way not just because I’m a parent and a teacher responsible for countless little innocents, but because I’m a person.

That’s why I found Wayne LePierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, particularly turd-worthy. A day after Newtown buried Josephine Grace Gay, 7, the last of the slain children, LePierre was on “Meet the Press” saying the NRA will continue to fight any new measures limiting gun purchases. He continued his crazed vision of elementary schools armed to the teeth as if the way to solve gun violence is to add more guns to the mix.

“If it’s crazy to call for armed officers in our schools to protect our children, then call me crazy,” LePierre insisted.

Okay. You’re crazy, sturd-crazy.

The Best Advice in 140 Characters or Less

This was supposed to be a post highlighting the Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2012.

My intent was pure. I discovered the Top 10 Ways to Squander Your Life. Click here.

I went on Yahoo Shine, the lady blog about lady stuff, and found articles about the Top 10 Ways to To Turn Your Belly Fat into Booby Fat.

I went on Glamour’s website and found this weird picture tied to some new year resolution article:

But then I went to Cosmo’s website and landed on this gem:

25 Ways to Turn on a Man

and I hit the brakes in my quest.

I am always interested in this topic. I tend to get wrapped up in stupid shit like career goals and personal fulfillment and then it dawns on me–I am not turning any man on right now.

I realize the more I focus on other things beside man on-turnage, the less I remember how to do it.

Do men like a woman who can play spoons coated with mashed potatoes? Maybe.

Are men turned on by razor burn? I hope so

Do men like a muffin top covered in muffin crumbs? Probably not.

But here, Cosmo has provided me with knowledge from the men themselves.

Apparently Cosmo asked men to tweet what turns them on. These man tweeters had only 140 characters to use so I figured their turn-on advice would be succinct and easily digestible kind of like a spam lollipop.

KydDaze digs “That ‘early in the morning’ or ‘tired at night’ phone voice.”

So basically men like phelgm and slurring. Duly noted. Tonight, my husband better watch out after I down a dosage of hydrocodone. I might even show him the phelgm covering my tonsil scabs. Bam chicka bam bam.

It floats Nogood_W4rd’s boat “If you can spin around while you ride it.”

So men like a lady who resembles a whirligig and is really short. She would have to be, right? Or else isn’t he getting kicked in the face? Or what I mean to say is “hot.”

PoloMaskot gets woodage from “Good credit.”

How does that work exactly? You go online to freecreditreport.com, wait six weeks to get your credit rating and then it’s let’s get this party started. Woop woop.

MC_3, aka Christian Grey, likes “When a girl bites her lip while looking into your eyes.”

MC_3, I have the perfect woman for you.

Jrel_24NGM prefers “Women who wear boy shorts all the time.”

Really? Even to funerals? What about when she’s whirlygigging around your peen while biting her credit score report?

Hmmm. That seems…stupid sexy.

Top 10 Films of 2012

In case you were unaware, 2012 will end in a few days.

This means you will see a flurry of articles that try to distinguish the cream from the curd of 2012. I received an email from Twitter alerting me to the top tweets of 2012, and I actually took moments from my life to look at it.

FYI – this was the top tweet:

I wanted to add to the noise with my own 2012 wrap up, starting with the top 10 movies of the year*.

*Full disclosure: I have only seen three movies this year, and two of them were made in 2011. Ever since the baby, I have had trouble making the kind of time commitment a movie demands. The most I can give is an hour, and wine needs to be involved.

1. The Hunger Games

I actually saw this in the movie theater, and it was made this year so obviously it makes the list. I wanted to see this because I enjoyed the novels. It was okay. I actually felt bored when Katniss was in the arena, and hearing the young audience laugh when people were slaughtered made me feel all squicky.

2. Friends with Kids

This made the list because I saw it in 2012. It was made in 2011. And it sucked. It starred people I like, but it sucked a giant suckball. All the characters were loathsome. This should have been better and it made me angry that I wasted time that could have been spent watching an Original Lifetime Movie.

3. Cabin in the Woods

My husband had to actually remind me that we saw this. It was made in 2011. I think it was good even though I don’t remember it. But Joss Whedon, folks. Joss Whedon. I’m in the midst of rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seasons 1-7.

4. Drew Peterson–Untouchable

I understand this a Lifetime movie, but it makes my list because I saw it, and it had this:

That is Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson doing a strip tease before his arresting officers. And then the movie just ends. He’s twirling around singing a little va-va-vavoom ditty and boom, closing credits. That is genius.

5. Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Show

This is not a movie, but let me tell you, I was riveted and could have watched these “ladies” for hours. They would call each other fu-bleep cu-bleep and then embrace and cuddle and then go back to “you fu-bleep cu-bleep.” I would not recommend the show itself, but the reunion show was houswivatastic.

6-10. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter red carpet Commercial

This is not a movie, but it is the heartwarming tale of a tub of solidifed vegetable oil that finally makes it to the big time. The paparazzi is demanding it turn itself around to see the label, and when it does, the paparazzi becomes en masse “a believer.” I know this sounds somewhat artsy, but give this is a shot.

Next up: Top 10 top 10 lists.

Post-Tonsillectomy Adventures

Many of you have been asking about my tonsillectomy recovery.

This may be something I hallucinated. I’m on some pretty strong painkillers.

It turns out it wasn’t such a bad idea to read tonsillectomy horror stories online. It makes the throat and ear pain seem not so bad compared to those who complain of choking on phlegm, vomiting blood, transforming into werewolves, etc.

I’ve mainly been sucking down pureed cauliflower and watching DVDs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. All in all, not too shabby.

But it’s nothing compared to what my tonsils have been doing.

Apparently the infected duo had a bucket list, and in less than a week, have crossed 10 items of their list.

1. Meet other vestigial organs

2. Visit an art gallery

3. Go parasailing

4. Go horseback riding

5. Play music on a street corner

6. Get interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show

7. Climb Mt. Everest

8. Perform stand up

9. Enter a hot dog eating contest

10. Meet E.L. James

What’s on your bucket list?

Speaker7 Moves to Canada

Not really, but I do have a new post up today at Canadica. I’m hoping this is the correct link. If that didn’t work, just click on Canadica and it will take you there.

Just so you know and won’t succumb to any weeping, it will take me some time to respond to any comments because:

1. I just moved
2. My Internet connection has not been hooked up yet
3. My tonsils are being removed today by salad tongs
4. I may possibly dribble popsicle juice onto my laptop

The good news, I will have plenty of time to catch up on my blog reading (when my #@&!&^$ Internet is hooked up and if I’m not vomiting blood). I have been remiss in reading all of your wonderful posts and wittily replying with comments like “turd nugget.” I know you have missed that.

I also recall promising a reader giveaway thingy, and telling a few of you that I would be sending interview questions. Didn’t happen because moving is a giant suckfest of suckitude suckness. It will happen.

Here are the people who responded with a reason why Hugo should interview them and will see their name in lights in 2013. If I missed you or you don’t want this great distinction of Hugo adding your picture to his “People-to-lurk-at” wall, please let me know.

Le Clown, H.E. Ellis, Ned’s Blog, Jules of Go Jules Go, Dutifully Broken, Alice at Wonderland, Madame Weebles, Adam S., Vyvacious, Mollie and Alfie, Artsifrtsy, Jen and Tonic, 1pointperspective, shapelle, merbear264, GiggsMcGill Jill, Wendy Reid, jdanryan, Rule of Stupid, Emily at the Waiting, Lynette d’Arty-Cross, Twindaddy, Nancy of Not Quite Old, Lyssapants, iRuniBreathe, She’s a Maineiac, Michelle Stodden, and my BBFF Angie Z of Childhood Relived even though she said she was exempt.

Speaker7 Attempts Some Type of Reader Giveaway Thingy

Some jerk said it is always better to give than receive.

That jerk obviously was never the recipient of a lamp with the Serenity Prayer etched into the glass. I received one of those as a high school graduation present from a boy I dated for two months, and it was not at all awkward.

People do seem to be in the giving mood. Every blog I click on seems to be giving something away to its loyal readership.

The Byronic Man and Jules of Go Jules Go have created a Christmas misery contest where the lucky recipient wins a custom-designed sheet set.

Madame Weebles gave her readers the gift of viewing her face as well as her marvelous middle finger.

Le Clown gave away his magnificent™ facial hair.

I feel I should be giving away something too, but what do I have to offer?

My facial hair is paltry although I do have a single hair that grows out of my neck and possesses the wirey resilience of a pube.  Is that something people want?

Okay. I can’t really make anything although I did draw the turd picture for my Turd of the Week™ segment.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

I suppose I could glue this image onto a roll of toilet paper for some lucky reader.

I really have little else. I am getting my tonsils removed in a few days, but Hugo has already staked claim to them for some nefarious purposes.

Hugo…hmmm. People seem to love them some Hugo. I’ve got it!

Okay, I’m pretty famous or I create the illusion of fame by sending myself fan letters. How would you, dear reader, like to appear in this blog space in an interview conducted by me and Hugo?

Fantastic.

All you have to do is give a reason why you think you are worthy of a Hugo interview in the comments.

Hugo, no. Please don’t do that. That is completely unnecessary. Just a simple comment is fine. I will attempt to interview everyone who responds, not in the same blog post because that can get kind of lengthy, but over the course of 2013.

Remember, I used to work as a journalist so I’m pretty good. I once was assigned to cover the local Memorial Day parade and I asked such questions like “So…why did you come to the parade?”

Expect that level of professionalism.

Your interview along with a write up and link to your blog will appear on Speaker7 to the delight of the human and puppet world.

Hugo, anything to add?

Fun!

The deadline to respond is Dec. 17.

Will You Take It In the Ear With Me?

So a lot of shit has been happening. . . not monumental shits, but those little rabbit pellets that make going number 2 so uncomfortable and unsatisfying.

First off, my son has been sick since Saturday. He is very tired in the morning so I end up rocking him to sleep instead of catching up on my blog reading and posting comments like “Balls!” Today I even watched the Today show, which exposed me to this:

Judging from the first 2 seconds, I think I won’t like it.

Second off, my son has been throwing up onto his sheets. We’re moving so extra sheets are packed away. This is problematic.

Third off, we’re moving! When? Three days after my tonsillectomy surgery.

Fourth off, I’m getting my tonsils out. When? Next Monday. I will pack them in one of the moving boxes.

Fifth off, my gall bladder is rivaling my tonsils for my attention. It has “sludge”– whatever that is–and is basically performing like Britney Spears did at the Video Music Awards in 2007, meaning its slowing down my digestion much like Britney sleepwalked through her performance of a forgettable song. It will likely have to come out. My doctor said I should try to find an ENT with an extra long knife who can take out both my tonsils and gall bladder so I punched him in his gall bladder. I get to be injected with a radioactive dye that might possibly give me superpowers. Or not.

So rabbit-pellet shitballs.

But will this stop me from celebrating Take It In The Ear Day on Saturday?

Fuck no. Even with all the chaos, boxes, vomit, bad hairpieces, sludge and tonsil stones, I have still manage to cobble an assortment of objects I plan to take in my ear.

Here is a small sampling:

• a green bean
• Hugo’s finger
• a corkscrew
• a waffle iron
• a pair of stirrup pants
• John Travolta and Olivia Newton John’s Christmas album

What is Take It In The Ear Day?

Even Hallmark doesn’t know.

Hallmark’s ignorance has not prevented it from crafting exquisite Take It In The Ear cards.

What will you take in your ear this Saturday?

Oh Snap! I Gave Myself Hernia Laughing at This Post

You know reading the New York Times takes up time I could be spending on raising money for widowed orphans.

But that is the price I pay to be informed and what I became informed about today is the phenomenon of the humblebrag. Apparently people get on the twit network to broadcast their awesomeness by trying not to sound too, too awesome.

That is awesome.

It is something I want to learn to do because I want people to revel in my awesomeness, but not think I’m a self-absorbed dickhead.

Luckily there are several examples gathered by writer Harris Whittels on his Twitter feed.  I will present the original tweet and my practice run at the humblebrag. I only spent, like, 30 seconds on this so, you know, it might not be any good. It’s hard to work on humblebrags when so much of your emotional energy is spent thinking about endangered stink beetles #savethestink.

A pretty awesome humblebrag is the one where you point out how beautiful you are by tweeting “can you believe people think I’m beautiful? I’m wearing a raincoat for god’s sake!”

Like so:

So, so crazy, right? Like, do these men have their eyes in backwards?

Here’s mine:

In a similar vein is the “It’s really difficult to be skinny” humblebrag:

Seriously, when will that happen? I know Bethenny Frankel’s gravatar is her cover photo from Health magazine, but when will the media appreciate her for being famous for no reason?

Here’s my take:

Another popular humblebrag is the one where you point out your hanging with the popular kids in high school.

Aw, Lance…from doing dope to hanging out with a dope. When will the hurtin’ end?

Then there’s the humblebrag where you marvel at your life while name-dropping the shit out of something.

Oh wow. Do you work as a limo driver or something? Because that shit is cool.

Then there’s the humblebrag where you feign amazement about your work.

Was it strange, Ben? I have strange feelings when I read my stuff too:

Or you feign amazement about your general awesomeness:

Are you flirting with me right now? It kind of feels like you are. And you are really good at it ;).

Then there’s the humblebrag where you try to pretend you’re just a regular joe. Stars are just like us, you guys! Calm the fuck down.

I would totally be freaked out too if I had any idea who you are. It’s so weird when the nonspecials get so amazed by the specials, amirite?

I think I might have the hang of this. Or maybe not.

It’s hard to get the hang of something new when you spend so much time bringing such happiness to the wordpress community.

But that’s just me, I’m selfless like that.

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If you liked this, and are looking to move your bowels, check out this post:

Forever Immobolized in Fleece