Let Them Eat Wilbur

With the government shut down heading into its second month, many federal workers are facing hardship, but none so much as Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.

Ross, who looks like a less handsome Admiral Ackbar, is struggling, you guys. He’s having to take breaks from looking into ways to suppress the latino vote to think about why unpaid government workers need to use food pantries.

“Can’t the cook just make a white truffle and gold pizza from the basic pantry items?” Ross wondered as he opened bottle after bottle of $225,000 Chateau Margaux only to pour them out over a cleaning lady who is incidentally an unpaid federal worker.

“My doomsday bunker in New Zealand has a year’s supply of high-end ice cream made from the breast milk of albino sherpas. I’m at a loss as to why they don’t access the foodstuffs from their doomsday bunkers in New Zealand?” he asked as he painted his own visage into Renoir’s Le Moulin de la Galette.

“Can they not just steal millions from their business partners and hide it with bogus paperwork and exchange those stolen millions for food products? It boggles my brain that those people who do those things….what are they called now? When you go into an office and someone hands you a sack of money with a dollar sign on it? Grifting?”

Ross suggested the helpful notion of taking out a loan to pay bills. “Sure there’s a bit of interest, but then you just steal from your business associates and problem solved,” he said before diving into a bathtub full of $1,000,000 bills.

Lara Trump, whose father-in-law received at least $413 million in today’s dollars from his own dad so he could piss it away on shitty business deals, also weighed in on the government shut down.

“Listen, it’s not fair. I know that. I married the least intelligent Trump and that is saying something,” Lara Trump said. “But this sacrifice, this inability to pay your bills and take care of your family will be so worth it because I’m on tv right now. It’s a win-win.”

“I know they have things to pay for like porn stars’ silence and playboy bunnies’ silence. But those are what your charities or campaign donations are for,” she added.

It may seem a bit tone-deaf for multimillionaires whose bosses/father-in-laws started this whole mess and could end it in a heartbeat, to be commenting on the struggle of actual people. But that’s because these people are giant assholes.

Don’t just take my word for it.