On Thursday, Google will plant a chip in your brain that will allow advertisers to feed Doritos’ commercials directly into your cerebral cortex.
The French are all like “Sacre bleu” about this. Why? I don’t know because I only the read headline of the article and then clicked on an ad for StirChef™ Hands-free Saucepan Stirrer. Do you realize you can have your hands-free stirrer stir your Dorito casserole while you eat a Dorito taco?
Okay so basically, Google will be able to consolidate all of your searches in various platforms like youtube, gmail and the google search engine into one giant chocolate chip cookie that will be fed lovingly to advertisers. “In short, we can treat you as a single user across all our products,” coos Google.
So expect your ads to get really specific. And if you are someone like me, who looks up a lot of weird sh*t because you write a blog and/or are a giant weirdo, expect to see this:
Coprophagia is the eating of feces. I write a lot about turds. See here and here. Here. I am not a coprohagiast, but I go to Google quite frequently and type thing like: “turd face” “show me turds” “write my blog about turds, please.”
Or this ad:
I look up a lot about Donald Trump. I look up a lot about adult baby syndrome. How are they connected? Only Google knows.
I also like to search about horrendous people featured in Lifetime movies or on Dateline NBC. I don’t possess the patience to sit through these programs in their entirety. One might say I have the patience of an adult baby. Who likes steaks. And is possibly into coprophagia. Like on Sunday, I caught the tale end of Drew Peterson:Untouchable on Lifetime, and it was….um….well, it was this:
Rob Lowe, as Drew Peterson, does a slo-mo strip tease for police officers, and it ends. Which seemed odd. And abrupt. I didn’t quite understand how this could be the ending. It would be like suddenly ending this blog post with some weird picture. So I had to look up “Drew Peterson” in Google and now I will get this ad: