Sexiest Meat Bag Time

Oh gentle reader, I can’t tell you how much I look forward to this time of year.

There’s that special holiday, Black Friday’s Eve, when all the people come together and beat the shit out of each other at Walmart for a $2.00 Himalayan Salt Foot Detox:

himalayansaltdetoxAnd there’s the announcement of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

People has a knack for picking the blandest sexiest men alive–Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds. I believe one year, People actually selected a roll of paper towels, Brawny® brand of course.

This year People has outdone itself by choosing the amazingly douchey Adam Levine.

Don’t believe me?

levinedoucheWhen one is crowned King Beefcakefishsteak, one gets to pontificate on why one is so beefcakefishsteak.

Actual quote from the article.

Actual quote from the article.

We get to learn about all of Adam’s tattoos. He got a dove five days after the September 11th terrorist attacks because…he’s a douche. A patriotic douche, but a douche nonetheless.

He doesn’t do tattoos below the waist because “you can’t do the hands; that’s sacred too. That’s what you make things with.”

adampeepee

If you are unfamiliar with Adam’s celebrity, he is a songwriter. He is not a brain-damaged umbrella stand. I can understand if you are confused.

He claims he wrote the best lyric at 20. It was:

“Old MacDonald had a douche. Ding-dong Ding-dong-o”

I’m joking.

It was:

“If I could bottle up the chills that you give me, I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.”

I am not kidding.

When I was 7, I was in a band with my two cousins called The Three Night Waves. We sang a song that went like this:

We’re the three night waves

the three night waves

the three night waves

for you and us

for all of us

That song is infinitely better.

According to Adam, you can best convey what you want with what you say.

Genius really, and all this time I’ve been conveying my wants through crop circles.

buttphilosophyAdam believes in waxing his arms and frequent massaging because he works out so much, but draws the line at mani-pedis because “you’ve got to retain some sort of masculine characteristics. You can’t trim yourself into a tizzy and become a woman.”

True, but you can say things that transform yourself into a monumental douche.

Speaker7 is still plugging along as a member of the Nano Poblano Team. She’s sorry if you think Adam Levine is sexy, but seriously? He seems like an incredible assface douchecanoe. 

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39 comments

  1. I don’t really know who he is or why he’s famous but I’m pretty sure he’s lying about working out. That would give him muscles. He looks prepubescent. When I saw the first picture I thought, “Wow, Justin Bieber grew!” Apparently I was wrong. But then again, douche isn’t my idea of sexy.

  2. I think Adam Levine is sex on a stick, but you have my wholehearted permission to mock. I just guffawed -GUFFAWED- reading: “…and all this time I’ve been conveying my wants through crop circles.”

    1. I’m with Jules on this. But, it’s not necessarily the looks for me as much as I love his voice. Oh baby….

      But perhaps he’s like the male version of a Siren and I’m heading towards certain death. One can never know.

  3. My introduction to Maroon 5 was on the Letterman show. I was there for a taping and they were the musical guests. I quite liked them. My introduction to Adam Levine was on “The Voice”. I guess his blandness did not make him stand out to me before that. I fell for all his BS the first season but halfway through the 2nd realized exactly that it was, as you say, all douchebaggery. I have to say I gagged when I heard the sexiest man announcement.
    I’m with Pensitivity101 on Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds. I’m OK with Channing Tatum as well.

  4. Adam Levine- isn’t that Esther’s boy? Esther from synagogue? She ushers Friday nights, baruch hashem! Didn’t little Adam go into the shmata business with his father?
    Douchecanoe is my new favorite word. Can I use it for the name of my next blog post? Please?
    I adore you and your fab followers. I figured it out- find someone brilliant..Now follow her followers! A veritable goldmine of good blogging.
    For the record, the only sexy thing in that near-nudie pic is the chick’s red manicure.

  5. I won’t proclaim if I was not already a lesbian, Adam Levine would make me one, but I can proclaim that there’s nothing about this pretentious shell of the xy chromosome that would make me even think for a nanosecond of switching teams. That said, almost 20 years ago, I was eating a pizza with a colleague, a straight guy engaged to be married to his longtime gf, when we noticed sitting at a table on the floor below us JFK Jr. and his date, Darryl Hannah. The only patrons in this restaurant was us and them. John Jr., I believe was once People’s Sexiest Man Alive, and as someone who saw him live and in person, wow, they got that right. He was so remarkably handsome I told my friend, “That guy’s so good looking, he could make me straight!” My about to be married friend said, “That guy’s so good looking, he could make me gay!”

  6. I don’t know about beefcakefishstake. On that Massengil picture, Adam looks like a plucked and tattooed chicken.
    And, until silkpurseproductions commented, I didn’t even realize he was the lead singer of Maroon 5. That’s the beauty of listening to music solely on the radio, as nature intended,

  7. Is it really necessary to offend someone just because he is neither the most handsome man nor the most intelligent one?
    I do not agree with the choice of this young guy to be called sexiest MAN alive, either, and yes, some of his comments show that his brain cells need to procreate … to make others of their kind, hopefully better used ones.
    But why the aggression? He has not applied for a job in your bed, Mrs Speaker, or as a teacher to your kid(s). He is just a singer in a band. And nobody forces you to pay for their music.
    Having said that … that Bieber-phenomenon IS a douche – but not because of his silly boyish looks or because of the stupidity he is oozing – but because he had a pet ape, still a baby animal, he did not have the proper papers for and when the german border police confiscated it he did nothing to get his pet back. THAT is douchery. Not to sing silly songs.

      1. Of course he will – as I do survive every “fat cow” hurled at me. I am not concerned about the young man – I am just concerned about celeb-bashing … Why?

  8. The moment he said he had “moves like Jagger” I ripped down all of the posters I had of him on the wall. I just saw that he’s the new spokesperson for Proacticv. At first I (seriously) thought it was a Saturday Night Live skit because of how cheesy he was being.

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