Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.
It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:
Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.
I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.
I’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.
I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both.
But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.
Speaker7’s Holiday Etiquette Tips
1. Don’t be a dick.
2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)
3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.
4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.
5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.
6. Wash your hands frequently.
Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?
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Don’t sneeze on the cheesecake and say, “Well…I guess it’s all mine now! Ha ha ha!” And leave your finger puppets at home. Change your shorts.
I had never even thought to sneeze on a cheesecake and now I can’t. I feel like I’ve lost everything.
So agree with point 5. I used to recycle such gifts to the raffle or certain family members. My brother is the king of naff gifts, giving us a paint by numbers (we were in our 40s, so did the picture, framed it and gave it back the following year), whiskey glasses (we don’t drink, so we sold them at a car boot sale) and a wine rack (same car boot sale). One year, the whole family got videos as he got a job lot at auction. We already had 2 of the 3 he gave us, and the third was one we had specifically avoided. Still, it was nice to be remembered, though these days it’s agreed calendars for all. Ours hit the mat today (puppies) and theirs is in the post (meerkats). Happy Holidays/Crimble etc
I like the regifting of the paint by the number.
He didn’t Ha Ha!!
Don’t just talk to the most interesting person in the room because everyone else is under 12 or over 80…especially it its your aunt’s/sister’s husband. And don’t crit other people’s kids, even if they are hitting the dog over the head with a turkey leg.
all good points.
7. Never interrupt the football game to visit together as a family, or god forbid, play board games with your children.
Very, very important. In fact, remove all family from the room to be safe.
Lol. Oh Speaker, you’re alright! People are such barbarians, especially family. Have you ever seen that Billy video with the kid narrated by some british sounding bloke? It teaches holiday etiquette.
That video sounds amazing.
Here it is! I was on the Honkey Bus earlier and couldn’t figure it out on my phone.
Oh great – BuzzFeed videos?! Like I needed another time suck!
I loved the ‘DIE’ plate artwork. (But we already know I need therapy.)
Jules is sexually frustrated. Jules has no friends…lol. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, lady!!
Don just looooves to rock the gravy boat. You too, my friend!!
Liked that one.
Now I know what to do when I don’t like a salad that reminds me of death.
Hilarious! Here is one: Don’t spit out food into a fabric napkin. That is just wrong. Instead, leave it on the floor for their dog/cat/child. 😉
Or hide it in your pocket.
7. Politely ignore any and all passive-aggressive comments related to what food you’re bringing, or not bringing, to the holiday meal. See #1. (“P.S. – I’m counting on you to bring the sweet potatoes and squash casserole.” Sigh. Really? Do you have to say it that way? I already said three days ago that I’m bringing the damn sweet potatoes and squash casserole.)
Sweet potatoes and squash casserole? Gross. Is that a Bab’s recipe? Hey, another link to a douche hosting a party! http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/
Is that letter for real? Because I’m plagiarizing it.
I’ve found it best not to introduce people at the party by how you think of them in your head, such as this is my black friend or this is my friend from work with the big ass but great personality or hey, have you met this woman who I had sex with in college and is now married to my best friend but he doesn’t know it so don’t say anything? Just use their names; that’s best.
Good advice. And if you don’t remember their names revert to your thoughts in your head, e.g., “Hey big ass!”
Misty over at Misty’s Laws has some “maybe you touched your genitals” hand sanitizer. I could see that coming in handy at a Christmas party. You could offer some to friends. And I totally agree with the political commentary. Last time I had dinner with the inlaws I learned that the Salvation army was no longer able to ring their bells and take donations at Target because of the gayz. I wish I was kidding.
Go easy on the alcohol as too much of it can make you break all rules of etiquette.
But the upside is you will likely not remember.
True. But you will be reminded of it when someone posts your drunken assholery on youtube, because you know some little turd will be recording it.
Be sure to comment on the weight of everyone around you, particularly as you are plating your food. People love it when they say they’re watching their weight and you add “It’s getting out here where we can ALL watch it!” They love that.
Also, bring uninvited guests to crowded family dinners. By surprise.
Ooh! Nice additions!
I have learned that if you show up with a bottle of “the good stuff” and before you get wasted you tell the hostess, “This is for you and only you” you’ve bought yourself a You Can Get Away With Anything pass. It’s worth the investment.
Hm. I will try it this Thursday and see what I get.
Maybe it will lead to Friday’s post: Friday Morning Quarterbacking Thanksgiving. Maybe you can also explain to me why my dad always calls the turkey’s ass “the Pope’s nose”? What the hell is that about?
I would like to add an amendment to #4. It would go like this.
Also, Don’t go spastic if someone says “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Politically Correct Holiday.” There are multiple holidays in this month (which does include Christmas) and multiple belief systems and see #1.
We could just make it a general “Don’t go spastic” to cover our bases.
Don’t text while driving, imbibing, and sitting at the dinner table or in a conversation group. You may as well avoid it while walking on a slippery sidewalk or driveway. Why bother going to a party if your “best friends” are on Facebook and posting pics of their miserable pets in Santa and elf suits?
Good point unless you are attending a party where people are putting pets in Santa and elf suits and then you would need to actually text pictures to prove it really happened.
Don’t have asinine dietary restrictions that you demand are catered to but will not so much as offer to bring something to the feast.
I can only say this here. I will have 14 extra dishes — all of which I will make — to accommodate different dietary choices. I actually wouldn’t mind making all 14 of them, except that the entire crowd informs me that it is no trouble to make this extra stuff. I don’t mind the trouble. I DO mind the lack of appreciation.
Is it spring yet?
Don’t take the garland off the host’s tree and use it as a thong.
“Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.” TOLD YOU, Larry from Accounting. You don’t give The Clap to anyone no matter how broke you are.
Say no to the 4th helping of turkey but say yes to aunt Betty who is very drunk and wants to touch your wee-wee.