I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

The Year in Review of the Century

Fantastic news, everybody!

People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.

What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)

Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)

I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.

“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.

“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.

Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?

No one knows. Winning.

People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.

1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:

Ideal for any teabagging event.

Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet.  All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.

2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.

3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other.  A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”

4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:

Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?

5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.

Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.

We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

Miraculously Miraculous

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness.

The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.”

A hefty bag gave birth to many tiny hefty bags that were assembled together into a life size replica of Bo, the White House First Dog.

credit: Washington Post

And the Today show had a feature on how retailers are thrilled by the joy people spread through the firing of bullets, the stabbing of knives and the trampling of feet to obtain products that people can wear on their feet while they fire guns, stab and trample on others.

I guess some new sneakers came out, and they supposedly turn you into Michael Jordan when you wear them or maybe Lil Bow Wow, who starred in the movie Like Mike about a boy who finds a pair of old sneakers that make him play basketball like Michael Jordan. That–or they look cool so that’s why someone stabbed that guy seven times to get ahead of him in the line outside the mall.

Nike was none too happy (but kind of secretly happy) that people were literally trampling over toddlers to jam their feet into $180 shoes. They released this statement:

But there is a silver lining in all the attempted murdering–consumer confidence is up, people are spending and they are buying smart, says some smiling Today show guy in Florida. He smiles through his spiel about the tension people can feel when a gun suddenly goes off in a crowded sporting goods store before segueing into how people are using their trigger fingers to diddle their smart phones looking for the best deals and best ways to murder.

Christmas.

Around 25 percent of the population started buying their tangible displays of love this week, the Today show guy statisticizes, and 54 percent surveyed said that 80 percent of news stories that contain 63 percent of statistics make them sound 103 percent more scientific than stories that use less than 12 percent of surveys and 3 percent of reporting.

Shopping so close to the climax of the consumerism orgy fills Sheila Lopez with the Christmas spirit.

“I have to buy clothes,” she says in a spirited monotone befitting of one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.

Sheila then goes and bites the face of the nearest person carrying a Nike bag containing Air Jordans.

Miraculous.

I Just Bought Breast Enlargement Drops

I wish people could know more about me.

I wish there was some way, I could show everyone my very essence. I know I can status update and tell people I used a fork correctly for once on Facebook. I know I can tweet and tell people I blew my nose into a colander on Twitter. And while both things are incredibly fascinating in the way it’s fascinating to read someone was delivered a virtual fortune cookie on Facebook and LOL!!!!!, I feel like all of you are missing out because you are not privy to all the minutiae that makes up a Speaker7-like existence. And in a way, I feel like I miss out on many things that I do because I’m too busy watching TV to notice. Like once I ate a carrot dipped in humus and it tasted okay, but I didn’t really think too much about it, and what did the world lose by that? (Answer: everything)

But holy sh*t! I guess there is a way to share my very essence because now I can share what I buy on Amazon.com with my millions of Facebook and Twitter followers. This is like Christmas, Drinking Straw Day and Mormon Pioneer Day all wrapped together in a smushed package taped together by Mormons using drinking straws.

What a wonderful and glorious time we live in! Before, we would just buy a bunch of crap and let it pile up until the rat swarms arrived and ate us whole. But now! Glory be to somebody, everyone can know what crap everyone buys. This was a discovery I recently came upon when I had to buy some crap to show people how much I love them. Thank god, that’s over because now I don’t have to talk to them again for a full year.

So here I lay it all bare for you. This is my holiday gift, and it’s a doozy because by knowing all there is to know about me means you know more about me.

This is me, in a snapshot of Amazon.com purchases. Let there be peace on earth.

It will soon be safe to come within 50 feet of me.

I bought this for my daughter. My daughter's name is ... um...Daughter...yes that's her name.

The smell will never go away. Even if you try soaking yourself in tomato juice, the stench never dissipates.

An absolute necessity.

And the money will come rolling in. Seriously I need it to pay my Amazon bill.

There are no words.

I wear this when looking at my Twilight ball.

Newt Gingrich is single, right?

The last time I knew, he was in Donald Trump's ass.

I like to shave when watching Where in the World is Matt Lauer.

The local unemployment offices need to start looking at this as an option.

RIP Dear Leader

What a glorious time we live in.

And finally my tangible gift to you.

But Speaker7, you’ve been so generous! How can you possibly give us something else?

Just shut up.

blog disclaimer: this post may cause this ailment. Reader beware.

10 Top TV shows

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button.

How can I possibly select the top 10 things you considerately displayed to me over the last 11 1/2 months? It seems like a fool’s journey or a….um….well if I watched less TV I could probably come up with another analogy.

Maybe it would be best to go with the 10 top TV shows I did not watch? Yes, let’s do that.

1. Two and a Half Men – This show uncovers the seedy underbelly of life on the vaudeville circuit for two ventriloquists and their life-size man puppet. Things took an ugly twist in the fall of this year, when the puppet veered off the wrong path and decided to head to Pleasure Island where all inhabitants are turned into jackasses. When the ventriloquists set out to rescue the puppet, they return with the wrong jackass, but the younger, dumber jackass is somehow inserted successfully into the show,  and their show is somehow  watched by millions of people.

1. Whitney  – This show pretends to be a comedy, but is really a documentary of a paranoid delusional woman who believes everything she says is funny. Luckily, the male costar is just a figment of her imagination.

1. America’s Got Talent – Yes, yes it does–it’s just not featured on this show. But it could be out there somewhere and that’s what makes the American Dream live on.

1. CSI: Gantts Quarry – This series follows a crack crime scene investigation team based in Gantts Quarry, Ala., which has a population of 0. How is that possible? That’s why it needs a crack crime scene investigation to solve the mystery through DNA thinga-ma-stuff.

1. Kardashian Knightmare Kontinues – This series chronicles the KKK’s rise to power through fear and big asses. Thankfully, their influence appears to be waning.

1. Real Housewives of Gantts Quarry – This chronicles the real-life experiences of five housewives who live in a town of 0 people. It is riveting.

10. Nightly News  – This sitcom sets itself apart by presenting entertainment as actual news. The actors do a phenomenal job of keeping a straight face while reporting the exploits of Lindsey Lohan as something someone should give two shits about. Bravo!

10 Top Films of 2011

It’s nearly the end of 2011, which means many magazines, websites, blogs and STD pamphlets will publish the top 10 whatevers of 2011 (heads up: gonorrhea was huge this year). I do not want to be like a child getting left behind due to poor policies like No Child Left Behind so I am also coming up with my top 10 whatevers for 2011. Today’s feature is the top 10 movies of 2011.

Here’s a teensy tiny glitch….I have only seen three movies this year. This may seem like an insurmountable problem, but as Sarah Palin once said “Ignorance only makes you stronger” *wink* so I am as strong as a prairie dog. I have no idea what a prairie dog is, but my gut tells me it is the strongest of the dinosaurs.  And more importantly, you don’t like this list than you pal around with terrorists.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 – This one was particularly fantastic because I actually left my house and saw this in a movie theater. And I didn’t have to listen to a baby monitor throughout the whole thing. And it was good! If I had actually seen 10 or more movies this year, this likely would have still made the top 10.

2. Bridesmaids – This one I saw at home. There was a baby monitor playing in the background and I really struggled over committing two hours of my evening to this when I could be sleeping or….yeah sleeping is pretty much it. But this makes my top 10 because it was one of three movies I saw this year, and Wilson Phillips sang in it and that made me think back to the time when I was young and thought I had a future.

3. Horrible Bosses – I saw this at home too. The magazines and websites led me to believe that this was a raucous comedy, and I believe many writers confused the word “raucous” with “one-note.” I love Jason Bateman. I love Charlie Day. But I did not love this movie. It is in my top 10 because it is one of three movies I saw this year.

4. Jack and Jill – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous “comedy.” Adam Sandler plays Jack. Believe it or not, he also plays Jill. How did he do that? He put on a wig and some earrings. Jack and Jill go up a hill to fetch a pail of water and they plummet to their deaths. If this is not what happened, it is what should have happened.

5. What’s Your Number? – I did not see this, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” Anna Faris plays a cardboard cutout who learns from a necessary plot point that women who let many men penetrate them will die as used-up prune whores. So she revisits the men she let penetrate her to see if she can marry one of them. Some other guy is in this and he is totally not right for her, but then he is and yet they both die as used-up prune whores.

6. I Don’t Know How She Does it Or Why This Movie Was Made – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a you-go-girl chick lit “masterpiece.” It stars Sarah Jessica Parker as shrieking cartoon character who wants to have her job and children, and eat them too. She does–and it causes her to explode.

7. No Strings or Brain Stems Attached – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ashton Kutcher as a greasy porkchop and Natalie Portman as an easy paycheck. The two characters bump up on each other until the friction causes them to ignite their true feelings but also the accelerant that eventually consumes them in a ball of fire.

8. Something Borrowed or Another Terrible Movie with Kate Hudson – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a raucous, romantic “comedy.” It stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a Cathy cartoon who crushes on Dex, who happens to be engaged to a Cathy cartoon’s best friend, or cat.  She eats ice cream. The cat shrieks, scratches and takes dumps in a penthouse-style litter box. In the final confrontation, all characters are killed by a Transformer-7: Michael-Bay-Must-Be-Stopped trash compactor.

9. Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels – I did not see this movie, but can only imagine it is a searing drama. It stars Thomas, a tank engine, who hears a prophecy from a trio of witches that he will soon be pulling the express line, a job held by his friend Gordon. He alerts his wife, Lady Thomas, who hatches a plan to have Thomas murder Gordon when Gordon stays at their villa on the island of Sodor. When Thomas ascends to the throne of express train, he becomes more and more disturbed by all he has done and is driven mad.

This is my list of 10. I hope they inform your movie-making choices over the next 10 years, 2012-2021.

Next up: Top 10 STDs.

It’s A-Okay!

I learn so much as a human being who has eyes and ears and occasional numbness in my pinky toe. But I had no idea how much I repressed what I said until I saw this on Facebook:

I wept silently into my Old Glory hotpants for about an hour. But after my crying jag, I felt liberated. Clearly Christmas is under attack. Why else would Christmas decorations go up Oct. 25 when they should be up after July 4th? The intention is to rip this holy commercial holiday right out of baby Jesus’ tiny baby hands and beat the crap out of it with baseball bats emblazoned with the slogan: “Happy Holidays from Al Qaeda!”

But guys.. did you know it’s okay to say “Merry Christmas” and “God Bless America” without being struck down by the iron fist of straw men?  I feel like a giant weight made out of air has been lifted off my shoulders.

However this got me thinking: what else is it “okay to say” that for some reason or other I wasn’t saying because it was not beautifully set against a backdrop of a waving flag?

Get ready for some freedomy freedom being freedomed your way:

And lastly my favorite:

The Cream of the Crop

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety apparatus, rabid zombie dogs–get paid literally in peanuts and make toys that are predominately comprised of asbestos-covered lead. This guy’s biggest customers are school districts that buy his comparably cheaper relaxable pickles to hand out as character education awards to children.

On route to his factory, he stops at a roadside restaurant and indulges his insatiable appetite (I should mention that he’s nearly 400 pounds) by eating his weight in chimichangas. The last one, a deep-fried burrito filled with pork anus, sends him running to the bathroom. He throws open the stall door and encounters the filthiest toilet in the history of sewage: the seat is discolored due to a build-up of fecal matter, the toilet bowl makes a factory-farm manure lagoon seem like a mineral bath. But our hero does not care as he tugs furiously at his belt and tries to ignore the giant floating turd on top of partially decomposed shit pile.

For some reason, I thought of this when I heard Matt Lauer say Newt Gingrich had risen to the top of the field of Republican candidates running for president.

Way to go buddy!

And he’s getting a bit of a boost from a wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga that has clogged up the toilet. I’m sorry, I meant to say he’s getting some support from Donald Trump.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump, and it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed a long distance hand job.

Oh, this is weird….today Donald happens to be releasing his new book (among other things), what a strange coincidence since he has also scheduled his own presidential debate on Dec. 27. His book is called Dipshits Like Me are the Reason America is Collapsing. 

“This debate isn’t going to be all about Donald Trump. You’re not going to use this to get on center stage and talk about what you believe?” Matt inquires.

This is what Donald believes:

“When I put the steaks on the grill, I tell each one ‘You’re fired.’

Matt asks Donald what he thinks about Newt’s loving characterization of poor children who know nothing of work because their parents are lazy a**holes sucking furiously at the teat of the welfare system.

“Sounds about right,” says Donald who has pocketed millions in government subsidies.

Matt asks if Donald will think about getting in the race a second time when he needs a rating boost.

If the country continue to go down the drain, Trump answers. And he is just the wad of cotton candy wrapped tightly around a partially digested pork-anus chimmichanga to stop it.

The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here!

I have won an award.

I would like to quote the immortal words of another award winner to express my gratitude:

“Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day, they have no habit of I do this and you give me cash unless it’s illegal.”

Newt Gingrich said these words while accepting the World’s Biggest Humanitarian Award.

I’m sorry, I misread that. It was the BDFWTSDL Award or the Biggest Dick Figuratively with the Smallest Dick Literally Award.

Emma Burcart bestowed the Liebster Blog award upon my bloggy head. She was unsure of the meaning of the German word, and mistakenly thought it meant a lobster dinner with Liam Neeson. Little did she know that I happen to be quite the German scholar, or a weiner schnitzel as they spreck in Donnie Deutsch. I took four–entschuldigung Sie bitte–viere Jahre in high schule and know from my intensive studiching that Liebster means “ham steak.”

I would like to say danke to Emma for the support and very nice comments. She has said she’s actually drooled when reading this blog. My secret is dousing myself in Axe body spray before I write since commercials tells me this will cause people to go wild, and I never doubt the veracity of commercials.

There is a Liebster Blog criteria to follow.

Evening wear is first:

Shoo-in. Yes, not at all creepy…looks really, really…um….pretty. Yup.

Followed by swimsuit and talent.  My talent is my swimsuit.

Evidence:

Am I the only one thinking this looks a tad Michael Jacksonesque?

And lastly onstage questions.

If you can change one thing in the world, what would it be?

I would spell Sunday as Sundae and then I would eat a Sunday because that would have to be changed from Sundae to Sunday.

How would you resolve the conflict in the Middle East?

Yes.

What cutbacks have you had to make resulting from the recession?

I no longer put Craisins in my cereal. Instead I use orphan tears.

I win:

There she is…..wait, what is that?

I’ve just been informed that all this pageantry was for naught, and that I should be recognizing five other newish bloggers rather than dolling myself up to look like Michael Myers to win competitions that only exist in my mind.

It is hard to narrow down to five because there are many that I like, but if I don’t do this I won’t get to fill my mouth with ham steak or Liebster.

Here are bloggers that would score well in evening wear and/or talent swimwear:

Angie Z of Childhood Relived – In a way I am giving the award to myself because we have yet to determine whether or not we are each other alter egos. The one difference is her photographic memory of everything from her childhood (or my childhood?), which makes her blog standout. That and her talent swimwear, which manifests itself in incredibly smart and funny writing. She reminds me of David Sedaris especially in couture

Les of Best Bathroom Books – Judging by the name, one would assume Les writes about bodily functions, and that is true. But it’s in an incredibly smart way not an Adam-Sandler-I-Just-Shat-This-Script-Out-Of-My-Ass-To-Add-Another-Billion-To-My-Pile-Of-Money kind of way. His blog also contains some of the sharpest social commentary I’ve seen, kinda in the style of George Carlin. His talent swimwear is understanding the importance of dress codes.

Patrick and Gilly of It Happens Every Day – I should mention that I was briefly married to Gilly for 72 hours and Patrick is the top apostle in Speaker7ism so this may seem like nepotism, but they were chosen because their blog is a great representation of the stuff that happens every day, e.g.,  non-stop Skyrim playing, no-shaving competitions, stripper polls, Yankee candle pilgrimages–you know, every day stuff.

Nancy of Not Quite Old – I’ve been following Nancy pretty much since wordpress birthed me into existence. She has the amazing ability to write a hilariously meandering post one day and a charming, touching post the next.

Jo Eberhardt of the Happy Logophile– Logophile, I believe is a German word, for someone who files logos. Amazingly her blog transcends that hobby and is a great mix of posts on writing and general absurdities.

There are many other bloggers I love to read, but as I said the ham steak has limited me to five because more can cause bloat. These other fantastic bloggers are listed in my blogroll.

Oh, and I’m suppose to post the award. I changed it a little to accurately reflect the meaning of the word.