humor

Looking for the Best Men

There’s a reason why Ted Cruz has a beard. He’s ready to start his second killing spree as the Zodiac Killer. He’s not going to let some razor tell him he can’t sexually subjugate women and brutalize weaker men. This person knows what I’m talking about:

soyboy

Damn straight. I want my men made of meat and as violent as possible, please.

For the bearded or those who don’t live their life on Twitter–I’m in the former category–I will catch you up to speed. Gilette ran a commercial today about toxic masculinity and teaching boys to not succumb and, as expected, some people lost their minds. Some people took offense that the various scenarios within the commercial, e.g. men sexually harassing, a man man-splains and a group of boys beat the shit out of boy, were portrayed as negative.

policechief

Hey, didn’t you go to prison for accepting a bribe?

I know, I know. You want to be able to raise your son the way you want to raise him so that one day he will be sitting at his Supreme Court nomination hearing crying about a calendar, reminiscing about lifting with Squi and angry bellowing to the high heavens about how much he likes beer.

I’ll admit it’s a little hard to empathize. My experiences with advertising are all about making me my best self if I could just lose some weight; get bigger breasts; age in reverse; bring home the bacon and do all the domestic duties; make my teeth whiter and my face less ugly; lose more weight; febreeze my vagina; and disappear once I turn 35. So I don’t know what I would do if my Bic For Her pen ran some commercial saying the emphasis on a woman’s appearance and the objectification of women is a big pile of fermented shaven beard hair.

Oh, I know!

bicforher

 

I’m going to write something pretty controversial for an object that has no use in the world.

Misogyny is a real thing. It’s the reason why we have yet to see a woman become president. It’s the reason why when a woman tries to run for president, we get think pieces on whether or not she’s likable enough (she never is).

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This is why a country rejected and raged against an accomplished stateswoman who used a private email server and collectively shrugged at a man denigrating entire swaths of people, having close ties to mobsters, and showing a remarkable lack of knowledge and interest in about anything other than fast food hamburgers. This is why we have this:

hamburgwall

The only thing this commercial has illuminated is that we have a long way to go in breaking free of engendered stereotypes. This person knows what I’m talking about:

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Or maybe not.

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Can you even see this post since it was written by an older woman?

Listen up. I’ve got a few more years to be lovable and I’m not going to waste them. I didn’t realize that when a woman hit 50, she ceased to elicit any feelings of any kind except the feeling of ewwww.

But apparently it’s a thing and it’s total science, like it’s up there with the time President Donald Trump said California only needed to rake its forests to prevent fires. That’s why his announcement today to cut all FEMA funding to California for wildfire management makes science sense.

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But enough about that brilliant man, let’s get to this brilliant man. Of course this assessment comes from a man (obvs since men do science and women do nails) who knows stuff because he’s like 50 and all wizened with the wisdom that comes for 50 years of being encouraged to open his man hole and spout his man knowledge.

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French author Yann Moix told Marie-Claire, the French version, that he can’t even see women 50 and over. That’s likely because eyesight is one of the first things to go as one ages. And he’s 50.

Younger bodies were more interesting, he mused as his increasingly aging balls sagged even lower.

“I like them. They way they have tits and ass, and I think that is all. There is a face? Maybe?” he said, getting up from the couch his knees snapping and creaking from the effort. He grunted a painful “Oof” and rubbed his knees. Jesus Christ, his knees ached. He wondered if it was gout from all the foie gras he consumed.

Gout affects older men. Yann Moix is 50.

“I like bodies, preferably Asian bodies,” he stated as he realized he peed a little in his pants. His prostate pressed against his bladder; these “accidents” seemed to keep happening more often.

Because he is 50.

He continued to pontificate about his Asian preferences as if he were talking about an assortment of Starbursts™ and non-Asian women 50 and over are the orange and yellow ones. And the Asian women 50 and over are the orange and yellow ones.

He said he was the prisoner of his tastes, one that preferred women to come to him in a box with different parts that he could assemble like a younger body Asian potato head.

“I don’t have to answer to any taste police,” he harpied as the bile rose in the back of his throat. Heartburn becomes more prevalent as one ages.

And Yann Mois has a non-young, non-Asian body that is 50 and possibly invisible.

“Maybe older women could provide some use, no? If they could go to some factory and be grounded up into dust that could be used to make younger Asian bodies?” He stopped for a minute and shuddered. “Still disgusting. And unlovable.”

Mois left the Marie Claire offices and stumbled onto the sidewalk. Unable to see the crush of 50-year-old bodies, but yet could feel something non-younger pressing against him. He panicked and ran into the street, and was promptly run over by an Uber driven by a non-Asian 57-year-old woman.

“I couldn’t see him,” she told police.

 

She said WHAAAATTT?!?!?!?!

I am in a state of shock so it is a bit difficult to write. Something happened that shook the heavens, unspooled the thread of human progress and destroyed a child named Caden’s sense of wonder.

A woman said the word “mother father.”

Okay, so that’s not exactly what she said, but any time I’ve tried to write what she actually said, I go into a Bird Box-like trance and reach for the scissors to plunge into my neck. I look at my child and cry for his lost innocence.

This woman, who’s name I have trouble pronouncing and appears to be a terrorist, was using such vulgarities in speaking about President Donald Trump, declaring she wished to impeach him. Trump rightfully stated that he thought her comments were disgraceful and that she dishonored herself and her family.

It’s as if she has no idea how to act diplomatically. She wouldn’t know the first thing about mimicking a disabled reporter, mocking a sexual assault survivor and eagerly embracing a parade of murderous dictators.

America is known for its strong sense of civility, its adherence to respect and decency, and its keen awareness of what designates a country as shithole or not. We hold these truths to be self evident: some women are pigs and others bleed from their wherevers.

And now this? This is what we are? A nation that must contend with a freshman lawmaker using vulgarity? We, of course, must analyze this indefinitely unless Sen. Elizabeth Warren does something else to increase her unlikeability. These are the only two issues affecting this tremendous nation. Well, and the emails. Not Ivanka’s, but Satan’s Hillary’s.

I mean, grab me by my pussy, but this dishonors all who serve this great nation. Get that son of bitch off the field, am I right.

Is this what will be our eventual demise? Apart from the inevitable economic collapse from reckless tax cuts; the continued degradation of our environment and increase in catastrophic weather events; a president who has no understanding of foreign policy, democracy and the correct temperature to cook meat; gun violence that shows no sign of abating, I say yes, yes this profanity is what will do it.

Thanks, Obama.

Strange Country Podcast

Ever wonder why NYC firefighters call some properties “Collyer mansion?”

What about the legend of Lizzie Borden…did she really hatchet up her dad and stepmother and get away with it in what was the trial of that century?

Did you know that two young girls were responsible for creating the modern spiritualism movement by stating they could communicate with Mr. Splitfoot? He was super dreamy.

If these are the kind of stories you like, then Strange Country is for you. Co-hosts Kelly and Beth are former reporters turned librarians who love a good story–the stranger the better.

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Strange Country is available for download at iTunes, Google Play and Stitcher Radio. Subscribe and listen often, and if you like what you hear, tell your friends or the hermit who lives in a cave near you. And if you have a story to share…say the time you saw Bigfoot make out with the Loch Ness Monster, then send  your tale to strangecountrypodcast@gmail.com

Thanks for listening.

PS – Trump is a giant turdmonster

Orange Fury

I watched Donald Trump’s speech Thursday at the Republican National Convention. It was…uh…good? I’m afraid I don’t know what words mean anymore. It was definitely loud, I’ll give him that. Lots and lots of yelling. I felt like I was back in 9th grade band.

I had not realized that America had become the Thunderdome, a hellish landscape filled  with marauding gangs of illegal immigrants in place of bikers. Um, okay?

It was a laundry list of a country in crisis. While it was low on information and high on fear mongering, it had little in how Trump will actually accomplish anything other than by saying “believe me, I’ll do this.”

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you.

I condensed the best parts of the speech:

He insisted he would honor us with his “truth.”

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His obvious affection for the GLBTQ community

gays

His “policies”.

laws

thefixer

isis

beatles

maryceleste

becky

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He declared he was the voice of the voiceless.

compassion

oppression

yourvoice

SHOUTING

A few other gems:

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trumpu

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And finally:

stink

I don’t know. It kind of smells like napalm.

Trump Fluff

Nothing has meaning.

Because nothing has meaning, America’s favorite winking Tourettes’ sufferer Sarah Palin interviewed America’s favorite decomposing pumpkin Donald Trump.

It was an interviewing tour de force. Palin used words in an order that somewhat resembled sentences to fluff Trump’s presidential scepter, and Trump continued to resemble an orange-hued blobfish.

As expected, the interview made our inevitable decline more inevitable America great again.

So you don’t have to watch it and shave years off your life like I have, I condensed it to the highlights.

truthfairy

trumsharts

horriblepersoncontest

babymeat

palinpebble

playdohpenis

wrapup

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I don’t know about you, but I am suffering from Trump Fatigue™. I would really like to not write anymore about him so America, if you could stop considering him as a real presidential candidate as opposed to a deflated nut sack, I would appreciate it.

Trump Dumps

Donald Trump, America’s favorite sentient hemorrhoid, is on the cover of Time magazine. According to Time’s editorial staff, several tag lines were tested out to see which best encapsulated the essence of a Trump presidency:

trumpbankrupttrumpirantrumpfatpigtrumptrumpsteaktrumpmexicantrumpbirdnesttrumpshoetrumpisisThey finally went with this one:

trumpanusmouth

In the video interview, Trump continued to hypnotize the electorate with his special brand of jingoism and his hair confetti.

He pontificated on why he was a better candidate than Hillary Clinton, the likely Democratic nominee:

trumpbangTrump thoughtfully explained how, unlike all other politicians, he was no puppet. He did all his own thinking.

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He spoke of a broken, troubled country and how he was just the guy who could fix it.

trumppoliticalcorrectHe presented his reasoned and researched stance on immigration.

trumpimmigrationThe editors attempted to include a photograph of Trump with a bald eagle, but the eagle kept attempting to eat Trump’s head having mistaken it for a muskrat carcass.

They were forced to go with a secondary shot.

trumpeagleshitsack

This Post is Sponsored by the Letters H, B and O

Some parents are concerned that the acquisition of the beloved children’s television show Sesame Street by HBO, the purveyor of breasts, will continue America’s decline into a giant shithole. Justin knows what I’m saying:

justinNot so, says Jeffrey D. Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. Things will invariably stay the same with some tweaks to keep Sesame Street up-to-date with the digital natives we ween from breastfeeding apps.

“It will still be Sesame Street with Big Bird, Elmo and that shitbag who lives in a garbage can,” Dunn said. He did note there were would be some content changes to “spice things up in the way HBO viewers are used to, and to make young children enslaved to HBO for life.”

“What I’m basically saying is tits. Lots of tits.”

For examples, writers will focus more on the relationship between Big Bird and Snuffy. They will be recast as 20-something friends trying to find their way in the big city in the style of Girls but with a giant imaginary monster and a talking bird.

snuffygirls

snuffygirls2Dunn said more emphasis will be placed on The Count in the sense that he will be given a love interest.

“I mean The Count is kind of a drag,” Dunn said. “Yes he can count. Like bats and whoopie pies, but what if he was involved in an obsessive and dangerous relationship with a southern waitress? Then you’d definitely see your child counting past 20.”

counttrueblood

Kid will also be challenged more. Instead of trying to guess what object does not belong in a group, children will be asked to test their talents in solving a mystery.

“We’re talking about taking one of those nondescript muppets like Maggle or Furry and getting real deep into the complexities of the human soul,” Dunn said.

Dunn said it would designed as an anthology. Each season would star different monsters in the detective role. The detectives would all have alcoholism, daddy issues, obsessive needs to pontificate on nonsense that make viewers feel the monsters are deep, and storylines that you believe are good, but in the end suck balls. And there will be many topless muppets used as props because…um…tits?

“But it will be completely for kids because it will take place on different playgrounds across the country,” Dunn said.

truedetectiveAnd, or course, the Sesame Street cast will pay homage to Game of Thrones.

gameofmonsters

The Good Ol’ Pricks Debate

I watched the entire GOP debate last night and while my stomach muscles are still strained from all the dry-heaving, I felt compelled to actually write a post to share the highlights.

There were so many good things happening—so, so many. So many fantastic visionaries on one stage, so many enthusiastic audience members cheering the worst things, so many witnesses to the demise of the American democratic system.

It’s really hard to pick a favorite moment, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try.

It began with a shot of the most popular candidate at the moment, Donald Trump. I believe his face truly represents the face of the Republican Party:

funguy

There was that special time when Trump was asked about his penchant for calling woman “fat pigs”, “slobs”, “disgusting animals” and “losers who don’t appreciate megalomaniacs with Easter-grass toupees and micropenises”:

mustusetrumpface

Then there was that beautiful moment when the audience cheered wildly about Trump’s claim of referring to only one woman as a “fat pig”.

horriblepeople

I also enjoyed when Trump gave “evidence” about his claim that Mexico only sends the criminals, drug dealers and rapists to this country:

trumpevidence

Or the moment Trump said his solution to immigration was to build a wall and that he asked former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to do it:

dickwall

There was the time Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker made this face:

thisface

And then made this face:

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And then opened his mouth and I finally understood the concept of the banality of evil:

walkertalks

Or that time when Sen. Marco Rubio was asked about his support of allowing abortions in cases of rape and incest, and looked like a deer in headlights and began voraciously back-pedaling without the assistance of a bottle of water:

no-exceptions-rubio

Or the moment when the millionaire candidates tried to out-poor each other:

outpoor

The time Mike Huckabee challenged the claim from the movie Hustle and Flow that “it’s hard out here for a pimp” and blamed pimps and prostitutes for social security’s budget problems:

pimptax

The moment Ohio Gov. John Kasich used the “I have a gay friend” defense to deflect a question about same sex marriage:

gayfriends

The entire time Jeb Bush looked like an uncomfortable, sad man:

saduncomfortablejed

How about the fantastic Facebook questions?!?:

facebookquestions

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Or when Rand Paul challenged Trump’s “hair” to a fight:

trumppursinglips

When Trump asked the moderators if he could have one minute to squeeze out a fart:

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Or when Ted Cruz broke into song:

tedcruzsings

Breathtaking, really. And we still have over a year until the general election!

Oh boy…the dry heaves are starting again.

Fifty Shades of Trailer Trash

Hold onto your butt plugs, everybody!!

Or insert them. Should we insert them? I think so. I think that’s appropriate.

Tomorrow is the day we get to see the downfall of inspiration and creativity  Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer!!

This is apparently a big deal, so much so that Beyonce released a trailer for the trailer a few days ago.

My husband showed it to me yesterday because he clearly hates me.

I think I might be suffering from PTSD from my time reading and recrapping the trilogy. That could explain why I tried to remove my eyeballs with a melon baller upon viewing the teaser trailer and I don’t even own a melon baller. I was really using a shoehorn.

The teaser trailer is. . . what is the word I’m looking for. . . oh yes, a giant stinking turdpile (I realize that is more than one word).

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s clear the movie will be as if Show Girls and Battlefield Earth mated and had a love child that was raised by one of those stupid water-fearing aliens from Signs and then went on to be a pink lady in Grease 2. What I’m attempting to say is that this movie will suck with the force of a 1,000 master series intake anal suction cups.

Don’t just take my word for it. I showed the teaser trailer to my two leads.

watchtrailerMaybe.

The trailer is premiering on the Today show and the anchors will be dressing up as characters. Matt Lauer will portray a butt plug, which means he will basically be himself. They then will continue on with the other real news of the day, mainly on expose on which Buzzfeed quiz are you most like.

News.

Hugo insisted we make our own trailer after I jokingly said I could make a better one if I inserted an iTouch up my bunghole.

Those things are painful.