I really have to thank Alice for the generation of this post, the 20th in this santorum festival known as NaBloWriMo.
If you are a regular reader, you know I cobbled together a post on unfinished posts that languish in my WordPress draft folder because the ideas…yup, the ideas are dead. I didn’t think there was more to Breaking Sex News than the weird Breaking Sex News banner on The Huffington Post on Swedes yanking it in public. I even tried to find more, but could only find this:
That is fucking incredible, but where is the breaking sex news!?! Then Alice reminded me of the go-to source for all breaking sex news–Cosmopolitan magazine.
For instance, did you know, gentle reader, that there is such a thing as “celebrity side butt”?
How marvelous! And newsy.
So what is Celebrity Side Butt? the masses desperately want to know.
It is incredibly scientific. “Side Butt” occurs when a celebrity is sans underwear and wears a dress that proves that theory. For example, a² – b² = partial ass.
Cosmo includes a photoessay of our most famous examples of that theorem in action.
But what if I’m not a Celebrity Side Butt, but am looking for ways to sexify my relationship? is likely what you’re thinking right now.
Well, I have the hot scoop–there are 75 crazy-hot sex moves that can sexify pretty much anything from the secret Santa office party to your Aunt Bertha’s wake.
You may be under the assumption that sex is where that thing goes into that slot and then retreats and then goes back and then there’s a charley horse and then there’s the looking at the clock because Grey’s Anatomy is going to be on any second and then there’s the quick prayer to god about somebody finishing and then someone groans and now you can finally have some peace and watch TV.
Well there’s more, gentle reader, 75 more things to be exact.
For instance, you can “straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg and slide it between his legs” and if you can explain to me how this exactly works because of my spatial difficulties and inability to understand poor writing, I will be grateful…and hot.
You could also: “try side-saddle position for a more unique and snug fit. Make a bridge with your arms behind you on one side of him and your legs in front of you on the other.” I’m thinking the author of this just began consulting her “Odyssey of the Mind” handout from 6th grade. Herman Melville’s Moby Dick is a literary masterpiece. Create Ishmael’s boat only using the parts from a vacuum cleaner. Now make it sexy.
Or you could: “build momentum by keying in to an ocean legend that the seventh in a series of sea waves is the strongest” because clearly the author has started to lose her erection at the 25th crazy-hot sex move and has no clue what the fuck to write. Why not add something like “Goldilocks the moment by making his dick too hot, then too cold and then just right. First pour molten steel on his member, followed by Coleman’s Chiller and then warm it up with a hair dryer.”
Or if you’re tired just “trade butt-cheek massages” and extra bonus if it is a celebrity side butt.
Breaking sex news for that matter.
For fuck’s sake, are there seriously 10 days left? Fuck. Anyway, Speaker7 is writing every day this month as a member of the Nano Poblano Team.
So hot. Who needs coffee now — I am so very stimulated.
Me, too. Like I need that at this hour of the morning.
Who needs to go to work. It is rarely so, ummm breaking.
Interesting reaction. I had the opposite. I felt quite constipated.
Sadly, nothing has that effect on me.
There is also something know as “side-boobige.” That term was coined by Mr. Skin. If you don’t know who that is, then you’re normal.
I don’t. For the first time I am a normal.
I quit wisely from NoPo. Thanks for the article. It has given my ‘key-word-searches’ in google a fresh lease of life.
What it’s like in that world where you’re not a slave to the daily post? It sounds magical.
That Cosmo article should have been illustrated with diagrams – preferably using stick figures since they’re so sexifying.
I reported on a Cosmo article about hoo-ha smells and they, no lie, used a photo of baked fish for one of the, um, smells.
So much for my eating baked salmon for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll stir fry chicken in Massengill instead.
Did they mention the remove your arms and screw them in to the should blades of your partner for some spice? That’s fun.
Oooohh! Tre sexy!
I have been looking for ways to sexify my relationship, so thanks for this! This isn’t really related, but I saw this article, laughed and thought about emailing it to you and Hugo. E-readers and avoiding this book have never been more appealing. http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/nov/18/fifty-shades-of-grey-viral-library-herpes
OMG where were they putting their books? Ewww. So glad I no longer work at a public library . . .
This is why my library needs a functioning sink. I’m going to bring this article into show the principal tomorrow.
Ha! That was my question too, Alice.
I like side butt and I cannot lie.
That could totally be a song.
It is good to see something about “crack” in my morning mailbox that isn’t about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
Let’s just hope he doesn’t opt for the side butt look.
Charley Horses are a permanent component of sex after sixty.
I bet Cosmo can give you some tips on how to make it sexy.
I never said that Charley Horses weren’t sexy.
75 moves? For sex-crazed gymnasts, I guess. Adding in the parallel bars could bring new dimension to the sexy times. I still totally want a job at Cosmo.
There are times when I think some of the articles were submitted by writers of The Onion.
“…and if you can explain to me how this exactly works because of my spatial difficulties and inability to understand poor writing, I will be grateful…and hot.” One of my favourite sentences in a blog. Ever.
And as for descriptions of hot sex moves – why don’t they just tell us to grow an extra arm, do a three-handed handstand, bend our torso at a 3406 degree angle, shove our feet up his nostrils, sing ‘Nearer my God to Thee’, lick his knee and eat a plate of cheese’? That would be MUCH easier.
You should totally put that in a query letter for a sequel to “And here’s 75 more moves to even more sexy up the sexy.”
And obviously I clicked on the link, and obviously I read most of the sex moves – and this – “Put a small mirror out to the side, parallel to his body, while you’re going down on him — he’ll have an eye-popping view.” – I want Stickman to be put in this position. That would make me LAUGH.
Please write this post. Please. Give me a moment of happiness. Thank you.
If I did any of those sex moves I would end up in the emergency room. Also, “trading butt cheek massages” sounds like the way a frat guy who try and suggest anal sex to a girl he brought back to his room.
I took classes in topology and I still can’t figure out how these positions supposed to work. Maybe I needed to do more practical assignments.
Take it from someone who is very knowledgeable about sex positions, unless you are a 16 yr old cheerleader, I suggest you NOT try the moves this woman was describing unless you want to break your back…and your partner’s penis. They look really funny in a cast.