librarians

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

Well fuck a duck, I am back in the world I belong.

The real one?

With people? And their breathing? And farting?

Awful.

It’s just too much arm flesh and air molecules and tote bags. We are much safer here, readers. Let’s never leave again.

I have a few stories from my roadtrip to the “Insurance Capital of the World” where I librarianed it up for 2.5 days that I wanted to share with you because duck a fuck, this month will never end.

I got to see Jon Scieszka in person!!!! Squeee!!!

And–I shit you not–but I got Adam Gidwitz’s autograph!

It’s likely you have no idea who I’m talking about (Alice might), but to a pack of middle-aged librarians, these guys are the the 12-year-old girl’s version of One Direction.

Jon Scieszka wrote The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, which if you haven’t read, you must read now.

Go.

You don’t have either? Go to your library then.

Yes I mean right now.

Okay, are you done?

Rock star, right?

Adam Gidwitz wrote my favorite new series A Tale Dark & Grimm, in which he basically un-Disneyfies all these Grimm tales and we get back to the head removal and children eating.

In other conference news, I was woken from a crappy sleep at 2:30 a.m. by a man, and I believe, two women drunkenly trying to get into the room next door. It appeared from my vantage point in front of the peep hole that they could not conquer the difficult task of inserting the key card into the key slot so that other things could be inserted into other slots.

It also appeared as if the bloke did not know the two women (or woman) all that well although one attempted to mount his back several times. She then would let out a peal of laughter that caused my teeth to rattle out of my head and drop to the floor.

I thought to myself: Was I going to audibly witness my first threesome?

After what appeared to be 20 minutes, the guy opened the door and pushed the woman or women inside and said good night.

A minute or so later, one of the room’s occupants attempted to get out again, but was stymied by the door latch. She gets an A for effort though since she bashed that door against the doorframe about 50 times.

Travel fun!

Speaker7 is glad to be back home with consistent Internet access so she can continue to churn out slop posts as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Only 13 left to go!

Jesus…is that true?

Ssshhhh!!! I’m Writing a Post About Librarians

For the next two days, I will be attending a librarian conference and will be without Internet access.

Let me just repeat that.

I will be without Internet access for two days during NaBloWriMo. I am committed to a daily post and I will be without Internet access for two days.

Any way, you may be wondering what exactly happens at a librarian conference.

Well there’s workshops on all kinds of stuff, like:

  • bun accessorizinghotbuns
  • Shushing techniquesshushingtechnique
  • Dewey Decimal Trivia

deweygame

  • Primal Scream Therapy sessions directed at Googleprimalscreamtherapy

It’s not all work.

There’s alloted time to get to know other librarians and socialize:

socializing

Speaker7 will not be able to comment for a few days but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. She does, however, hate NaBloWriMo.

Teacher Depreciation Week

For a few short, fun months, I teetered tottered with the notion that I could lose my job. I went through low points where I toyed with the idea of auditioning for  The Real Housewives of Hooverville, and high points where I lost consciousness and dreamt that I was gainfully employed as Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

The local board of education decided that my job had some value to elementary students and added it back into the school budget, and the public voted in favor of it so I will soldier on as an elementary librarian–at least another year until I am laid off again and the cycle repeats like a Head-On commercial until I actually need Head-On.

It is a good time to be a public employee especially a teacher. Society seems to really revere teachers. Wait, is revere the right word? Oh right. . . the word I’m thinking of is revile.

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

et tu, Grandpa?

Teachers are the worst, especially that one who taught me how to read and that jerk who taught me how to write and that ass who taught me arithmetic does not actually begin with an “r”. I hate all of you.

Test scores are low, schools are failing and the tator tots taste like pencil shavings–and it’s all the teachers’ fault.

My school was placed on the needs improvement list this past year, along with a bunch of other schools in New York State, when the state decided to arbitrarily raise the threshold for passing the state tests. This happened after the students took the test, and 80 percent passed. Now 50 percent did. In your face teachers!

Here’s the thing with state tests. They’re awesome. They are created by corporations that get million dollar contracts from states, which then have less money to give schools. And it’s a one-size-fits-all assessment tool. It works really well because all students are the same.

Here’s the thing with actual schools. As teachers, we are told to tailor our instruction so if you teach 4th grade and have a student who reads at a 1st grade level, you give the student material at his reading level. Then comes state test time, and that student takes a test at a 4th grade reading level, and for some reason he bombs it. Why? The teacher sucks.

Student performance on these tests will be a huge chunk of the new teacher evaluation system. This seems like a good idea in the same way my performance on this blog is reflective of WordPress, and my somewhat high cholesterol speaks volumes about my doctor’s abilities.

As of yet there is no state test to assess a student’s library ability, but give Pearson Education time and I’m sure it will come up with one for the the low, low cost of $50 million. And if my students cannot successfully place Archery for Fun in the right Dewey Decimal range (it’s 799.3, stupid) or spell the word Caldecott then I guess I’m a terrible librarian.

Oh well, I should look on the bright side. I’ll likely be laid off next year.

Will Work For Job

I have a knack for entering a career at the exact moment that career begins to decline. I worked as a newspaper reporter in a bureau that currently no longer exists. I got out at the right time (after the second buyout and before the first furlough) to start my new career as a school librarian. Right around 2008. Something else happened in 2008….what was it? Hmm.

Oh right, the financial meltdown.

My school district is in a financial hole, my position is unmandated and my administrators (who make 4 to 5 times more than me) think “well, she just reads books to kids, couldn’t a toy monkey clanging cymbals together do that?” (Answer: yes)

So there’s a 110 percent chance I will be laid off the end of this school year.

Now I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one where I can buy food and have shelter. You’re likely thinking “Speaker7, get off your high horse.”

So if I want to continue this lifestyle, I need to start planning for the future. Maybe I’ll open a bookstore, one that also sells CDs.

Don’t worry, I will let you know what I choose the moment I choose it so you can leave that career path immediately before it begins its inevitable decline.

Possible career paths

TV Loudmouth

There is a lot of money to be made in being loud and being on TV. The key is to say something really awful to get someone to pay attention to you, interview you and ask why you say such awful things to which you respond “Typical gotcha question from the liberal media elite.” Possible loudmouth scenario: “Bomb Cameroon! You heard me. Why? They’ve got gorillas. A gorilla once ignored me at the zoo even when I banged as hard as I could on the glass to get her attention away from nursing her baby–which is gross. Breastfeeding is child abuse and if you don’t do it, you are a monster, and if you do do it, you’re no better than a gorilla. What’s my point? My point is women are whores.”

Upside: Crazy uncles parroting my phrases at family gatherings. Coffee mugs with my name on them.

Downside: Having to live with myself.

Haberdasher

Look on any street corner and what do you see? Pawn shops and stores that buy gold. Okay, yes those, but look at some of the other storefronts. Tattoo parlors and furniture rentals. Yes, yes, but keep looking don’t you see that haberdasher shop? No.

Upside: Redemption. In high school, I tried to snag the part of the beloved haberdasher in  The Taming of the Shrew. The part had one line. This was the line: “Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.” I recited the line as if I was the top haberdasher in Verona. I didn’t get the part. The setting is Padua. Completely different haberdasher.

Downside: What is a haberdasher?

Child Star Manager

My 2-year-old son is very cute and game for anything. Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a tree?” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a bush?” Him: “Yes.” I taught him the infamous haberdasher line from The Taming of the Shrew and he totally nailed it.

Upside: Carvel Ice Cream card and other perks.

Downside: I love my son.

Public Librarian

I’ve already got the MLS–seems like a good transition if you discount the reduction in library aid, the zero job openings, and the patrons who only go to the library to look at porn.

Upside: Dewey!

Downside: The public. Cleaning up the public’s bodily fluids.

Paid Blogger

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