I was delighted when I saw the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly:
Finally, the first of many issues heralding the arrival of this movie. Being a big fan of the books, I tore through the magazine pages, reading voraciously and savoring every morsel I could.
I understand it will be difficult to condense E.L. James 600-paged behemoth down to a two-hour film. Will they cut out one of the 1,200 email exchanges? Or one of the 4,507 times Christian orders Ana to eat? Or one of the 35,678 times Christian remarks on Ana’s wetness.
God, I hope not.
In the magazine, the stars were interviewed about their thoughts on the film.
For the uninitiated, Fifty Shades of Grey is a steamy trilogy about a virginal sockpuppet who falls in love with a controlling oil-retention enema. They murmur and stick things in holes. It’s awesome or–to use Virginia of Lame Adventures, new word for “awesome”– semi-flaccid.
Semi-flaccidly enough, my copy of Entertainment Weekly happened to include a few pages of the script. I first inserted a butt plug into my ear canal to further cement the brain damage I underwent from reading the books and began to read.
Oh my, gentle reader, oh my.
Prepare to be shaded by some grey, whatever the fuck that means.
First Scene:
Ana and Christian’s first meeting
Ana and Christian’s Interaction at Claytons Hardware
I give this film two thumbs up the butt!
Speaker7’s inner goddess is responsible for this post even though her inner goddess is not a member of the Nano Poblano Team.
Speaker7 
Thanks for spoiling it for me. Jeeze.
Dakota Johnson is Don Johnson’s daughter. Do you think any of your readers (aside from myself) are old enough to know who that is? That guy used to rule the world. Now he’s Dakota Johnson’s father.
I have one word.” Tubs”
Imagine my relief.
You are not alone.
Somehow the father and daughter both got caught up in “VICE”.
Ahhh! I see what you did. Very clever. I’ll tip the waitress.
You’d think with parents in the biz, she would have been advised against this inevitable train wreck.
I love the balloon you gave Dakota Johnson.
And then I weep a little that there’s a chance that this might actually have happened as you said…
That really can only be the sensible explanation.
When I hear they were making a movie out of this dreck, my first thought was, “Thank God they don’t use celluloid to make movies anymore. What a waste of celluloid THAT would be.”
My understanding is the film is being made out of a condom.
When I first heard that Dakota Johnson was starring opposite Whoever That Guy Is who dropped out and was replaced with Whoever That Guy Is Too, I reflected on Dakota Johnson and what her sister, Dakota Fanning, must be thinking until my brain became a scosh less semi-gelatinous (FYI: semi-flaccid’s cousin) and it dawned on me that they’re not related. But it would not surprise me if either or both the states with Dakota in their name sue her for slander due to her contribution to the decline of Western Civilization. That said will you be first in line to buy a ticket?
I don’t know if I can do the movie. I do sort of like myself a little.
Brilliant script writing I must say…though let me know when Hollywood has a go with ‘Fifty shades of Meh’, as found on your site….that I can see myself watching for two hours straight.
Thank you. I will admit that Hugo was quite out of sorts that he was not even considered for the role of Christian Grey.
Either my coffee is too acidic or the mere mention of Fifty Shades makes me have heartburn. I’m leaning toward the latter.
See–I get anal burn. You’re way luckier.
Holy Cow, oh my, and a buttplug you totally wet my appetite (but not for food, wink wink). I cannot wait to see this flick. Christian looks creepy as hell, and Ana looks like a vapid idiot, so thus far casting seems to be going well. I’m just wondering how they’re gonna do the tampon scene . . . hold on, must go vomit . . .
I imagine it will be quite tasteful. . . maybe a homage to that bone-throwing scene in 2001.
Every time I hear about this I turn 50 shades of green and then promptly lose whatever is in my stomach. I’m glad I haven’t had breakfast yet.
How is this not going to be a porno?
I realized I’ve just insulted pornos. Mea culpa.
Does the studio know you have this copy of the script?
I got it out of a stale box of Cheez-its.
Oh dear, I just vomited lube.
Holy cow, that’s hot.
When I saw this magazine cover, I immediately had to race home to see if you had written one of your FSOG rants that I’ve come to love so much …. when it comes to Christian and Ana, I’m your biggest fan — I mean, slave!!
You do realize this is just the first of numerous cover stories. I might go into hiding.
Hahaha!!! I read some of your commentary on this – most amusing 😀 At one point last year, everyone I bumped into had a copy sticking out of their pants… ugh! But I did plough through as much of the first one as I could…
Her naivety at being able to accommodate a an enormous man-thing where she kisses her mother was the last straw for me!
You missed so much other awfulness. I envy you.
Somehow I don’t think I’ve missed too much :p
Someone gave me a copy of this because she thought I’d really like it. I guess walking around with a dildo in your purse gives off the wrong impression.
Never. Be true to yourself.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Unfortunately, yessssssssssssssssssssssss
I knew that you would love this article and that Hugo would be hiding in the bushes at the front door waiting for it to show up.
I can’t tell you the number of times I find Hugo in the bushes.
I heard on the radio this weekend that 50SOG books in British libraries had a high incidence of herpes virus. This should make a good presentation topic for the next librarian conference.
And I also heard that the herpes virus has been cast for a supporting role in the movie for an Oscar-worthy performance.
Oh, I am very excited to see herpes virus in action.
This is only a semi-related rant, but I am severely annoyed by the number of women who have started taking their tea like Steele. I’ve met at least 4 and they all pretend it’s the only way they’ll drink tea and their favorite… and I *know* they don’t like tea. Alright. End rant.
Loved the post and the scripts!!
You have my permission to punch them in the face.
Woot! 🙂
Do you think they’ll have an animated version of Ana’s inner goddess dancing around her shoulders, like birds around a Disney princess?
That is fucking brilliant. I read–jesus christ, I’m actually admitting to reading an article about this shit–that there will be no inner goddess in the movie.
The people at TMZ are going to be so jealous that you got a copy of the script before they did. And now that I’ve read those excerpts, my eyes have the clap. Thanks.
I’m so sorry about the clap. I always soak my eyeballs in antibacterial soap before reading anything Fifty Shades related.
I suffered through all 3 books there is no way I can suffer through the movie!
Genuinely hilarious. I feel a re-blog coming on …
Reblogged this on Well, This Is What I Think and commented:
Those of you, and there are many, who view the quasi Dom-Sub suburban blockbuster epic that is 50 Shades of Grey with some confusion – not to mention those who avoided reading the books, commes moi – will love this blog from Speaker 7. Genuinely hilarious, and recommended. Give yourself a break and have a larf … fewer calories than a Kit-Kat.
I did it. I am guilty of promoting you and getting a cheap blog post all in one go.
Link to a very, very funny blog about Fifty Shades of Grey – recommended.
http://wp.me/p1LY0z-1Np
Really? They are actually making a movie out of that train wreck? Society, as a whole, should be painfully ashamed.