Holiday Etiquette

Recently, the Today show had a really compelling news segment about etiquette at holiday gatherings.

It mainly focused on shoes and what you should do if your host requests you take them off when you enter her house:

Is this really a question? I could see an issue if the host asks you to insert a mini catheter into yourself so as not to defile her sparkling bathroom, but shoes in winter? Duh.

I guess it is a legitmate question because Lester Holt and an anchor I’m too lazy to look up stretched this out for nearly six minutes. They even consulted a comedian because….news.

I’ll admit, I likely don’t exhibit the best etiquette. At parties, I’m usually the person standing directly in front of the potato chip bowl, shoveling potato chips into my mouth and growling at others who approach me. And I will stay there until all the chips are gone. Then I will leave and cry in a gutter.

I also don’t know if I drink from the water glass to the right or to the left of the placemat so I usually drink out of both. 

But I do–at least I think I do–have a sense of how not to behave like a fucknut at gatherings that include other human beings. Since the Today show was surprisingly unhelpful, I thought I would take over the news for awhile and provide some etiquette tips of my own.

Speaker7’s Holiday Etiquette Tips

1. Don’t be a dick.

2. Don’t deliever political diatribes especially if you are just meeting someone new. For example, don’t say “Global warming is caused by all those sluts getting abortions. What are your plans for the holidays?” That kind of kills the holiday spirit. (see #1)

3. Don’t go near the potato chip bowl.

4. Don’t go spastic if someone says “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Birth Jesus Day.” There are multiple holidays in this month and multiple belief systems and see #1.

5. Don’t make a face if you don’t like your secret Santa present. Just be thankful someone gave you something and it wasn’t a venereal disease.

6. Wash your hands frequently.

Anyone else have some tips they’d like add?

Speaker7 politely thanks you for visiting her blog and reading her writing. She is a member of Nano Poblano Team during this month of writing daily pfffttttt…..Speaking of pffttttt, Speaker7 is looking for post ideas so if you got ’em, share ’em. 

Water is really scary

According to the Today Show, water is filled with rogue bull sharks bent on tearing off human limbs and parasitic amoebas that feast on human brains.

Leading off the week, was the story of a rogue (maverick?) bull shark that tore apart a man while he was on his honeymoon in Seychelles. Really awful awful stuff. Then the next day, there was another story on the Today Show about a man being mauled and killed by a shark, and Jesus Christ, he was on his honeymoon too….wait it’s the same story. Okay, that makes me feel a bit better, but it’s still awful to hear all the same details over again. Oh, and now, they have audio of the bride talking about hearing him scream…yeesh, terrible. And then the next day, I couldn’t believe it, but there again was another story about a shark killing a poor honeymooner, and I’m all about to go all Captain Ahab on some shark’s dorsal regions when I see that it’s the same story. It’s the same honeymooner, and it’s being reported on a third day because… well first we have to go through all the tragic details, the horrible injuries, the audio of his widow (shudder), and now officials are hunting a shark that is “terrorizing paradise.” I should mention briefly that on the first day of reporting, which now seems like seven years ago, the Today show did have on a shark expert explaining how incredibly rare it is for a shark to attack a human, but any attempt at measured, rationale explanation is now eclipsed by coverage of the massive shark hunt. Some fisherman scrapes his fingernails on a chalkboard. Some local official says the beaches need to be closed but the mayor’s like “what about tourism season?” Some marine biologist goes on to conduct his opus. And now we’re onto 4th day of Hell Shark Hell-Bent on Killing You. Yes, You Heard Me Right. You. And the Today show reporter talks about the man on his honeymoon…his horrible injuries…oh, the audio, the audio…shark hunt…no shark yet. Today is 5th day of I Swear to God I Just Saw Hell Shark in Your Neighbor’s Pool, and they haven’t caught it yet!

Okay, let’s relax. A shark, even a demonic one, cannot survive in a chlorinated pool. Just don’t swim in the ocean for awhile to avoid all those hellish sharks with their taste for human blood (they say it’s tastes like chicken). What? I’m sorry, what’s that Today show? Oh, parasitic amoebas took over and destroyed three people’s brains, and these three people were swimming in just regular run-o’-the mill lakes and ponds? In the United States? Thank you.

So yes, today after the 5th day of bull shark stories, the Today show runs a segment on these “brain-eating” amoebas and how the waters just teem with them, especially warm waters and we all know how freakin’ hot this summer has been. Where is there not warm water? They even have this instructive computer simulation of three boys swimming where one boy sucks an amoeba parasite in his nose while he playfully submerges himself underwater. The amoeba moves up whatever canal connects your nose to your brain and just starts eating. I am completely freaking out. Then this science guy comes on to say just how rare this is. In fact over 50 years, only 150 deaths have been reported…wait. So let me just do a little math…so on average three people die a year from this and three people died this year from this…oh do Centers for Disease Control people believe this is something different, some kind of outbreak? No. Oh, okay. Hmm.

So what should we do besides not swim anywhere ever? Lester Holt suggests buying nose plugs. That might work when watching Today as well.