consumerism

Gift-Giving Tips

It is the time of year where giving is better than receiving and some such shit.

But what do you do if you’re stuck buying a gift for the person a) who has everything or b) you know very little about or c) I’m bored right now.

Here are some fantastic suggestions:

For the wine connoisseur and/or alcoholic:

giantwineglass

Comes with $25 off coupon for Promises Rehab center.

For the water enthusiast and/or strangler

waterproofstranglegloves

Waterproof stangler gloves.

For the sportsfan and/or person for whom life has no meaning:

nflpotatosack

For the time stickler and/or person you hate quite a bit, but are passive/aggressive about it

buttclock

Only $2 at Walmart.

For the art collector and/or the person who posts inspirational posts constantly on Facebook

faithfootball

Other possible “f” woods: failure, forlorn, feeble-minded, fuck, fucknut, fart, fartnozzle, etc.

For the outsdoorsy sort and/or person who has trouble deciding on whether the knife or gun is the best murder weapon

gunknifesets

And for the person who poops:

deertoiletpaperholderMerry Consumerism to all and to all a good buy!

*Thanks to the LTD Commodities website for providing all these fantastic gift ideas.

Speaker7 is nearly done with this daily posting nonsense and will soon find peace with her reindeer toilet paper holder. 

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I’m Thankful For Shopping Orgy

Is anyone else annoyed that Thansgiving falls smack dab in the middle of Hallowed Black Friday Weeklong Extravaganza Shopping Orgy?

Just like this guy,

blackfridayorgy

From USA Today – this guy set up his tent on 11/19.

I was getting ready to set up my tent outside Walmart this Saturday when my mom calls with: “Thanksgiving will be at 4 p.m. at Aunt Janet’s house. Can you bring a pecan pie?”

I replied as respectfully as I could:  “Jesus christ, mom. Are we still fucking doing this shit? Thanksgiving? More like Nothanksgiving.”

There is no way I’m leaving my tent and losing out on a $2 Personalized Snowmen Stick Family Doormat, which clearly shows my love of family togetherness.

doormat

I thought we had agreed as a society to retire this lame “thankfulness” nonsense and celebrate what the holidays are truly about–my ability to buy a LEGO® Legend of Chima set at half the price. And if I have to destroy every man, woman and child in the process, so be it.

These people get it:

blackfrihappinessThe stores are doing what they can by opening earlier and earlier and offering too-good-too-pass-up-even-though-my-grandparents-may-not-be-around-much-longer-and-this-is-the-only-time-I-ever-see-my-sister deals. Like this:

Hepatitis optional.

Hepatitis optional.

So let’s do our part, gentle reader. Let’s kick the stuffing out of Thanksgiving for good.

Speaker7 will be writing the rest of the posts during NaBloWriMo from her tent outside of Walmart. 

Only 91 Shopping Days until Halloween

It’s easy to lose track of time in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I spend so much time taking care of my family and obsessing about Jennifer Aniston’s alleged baby bump that I nearly missed Halloween.

Luckily the local grocery store put up its Halloween candy display on July 31.

halloweendisplayI want to applaud the store for getting a jump on the holiday because seriously it would have looked like a giant wang-hole if it had waited until Aug. 1. By then, I’m completely out of the Hallow’s Eve mood, and ready for winter.

xmasAlthough I appreciate the steady drumbeat of consumerism, I’m having difficulty deciding on my Halloween costume. Normally this is locked down on June 15 so I have enough time to plan my Saxophone Day activities (Nov. 6, only 97 shopping days away!!!!!!).

I wanted to portray my favorite superhero:

carlosdangerBut I fear that it may have the shelf life of a pumpkin carved on Aug. 2 (Pumpkins should be carved on July 5, silly). And there’s a good chance that another politician will be embroiled in some other scandal that will eclipse Weiner’s wiener.

boehnerI’m feeling the pressure, a pressure that can only be relieved by ingesting 40 pounds of candy corn.

Unfortunately now that it’s Aug. 2, the local supermarket has moved on.

valentine

Confessions of a Non Shopaholic

I am a woman so therefore I like “woman” things, according to them.

I like to substitute actual dessert with shitty, chemical-laced low-fat yogurt bearing the same name of the actual dessert.

yoplaitI like to have old white men with shriveled balls control my family planning.

abortioncrusadersI’ve watched Sex and The City so I know I’m supposed to love expensive shoes, mindless consumerism, and two horrible movies, but I don’t. I fucking hate shoes.

I get the necessity of them. They’re helpful when walking on broken glass, hypodermic needles and tar balls of gonorrhea. They conceal hairy toes, yellowed toenails, and feet stench (not mine…a friend’s). They assist when kicking a ball or a nutsack.

But I just don’t get the shoe-shopping fetish that has been ascribed to women ever since Cinderella screwed her foot into a glass slipper and married a dolt.

The shoes are mostly uncomfortable, yes? I can’t be the only one who experiences the sensation my toes are merging into one when I cram a high heel onto my foot and proceed to trot-wobble around like a newly-born foal. They also seem to be made on the cheap. When I picked up a slingback, it disintegrated into a pile of insulation, sawdust and the tears of the seven-year-old who made it.*

*This is a lie because it would mean I would have to know what the fuck a slingback is and that I’ve also gone shoe-shopping in the last decade.

Shoe-shopping is on par with making a sandwich at the beach without plates, and attending weekend-long dance recitals not starring your child.

The trouble is, I need to go shoe-shopping. Like me, my shoes are falling apart. It became apparent when I mistakenly left a pair of shoes at the gym, and they went untouched for a month. I figured if they were pretty good shoes, someone would have walked away with them–literally.

But they were these:

oldshoes

I’ve worn these for over the last five years. These shoes are the worst shoes because they have no back to them yet I wear them in the winter, during rainstorms, mud tornadoes, etc. because I am a moron. They slip on easily and I guess I can’t be bothered to spend that extra millisecond wedging my heel into a shoe.

I used to have other “dressy” shoes for work, but they’re in even worse condition and/or lost because I can’t be bothered to look in my closet.

I nearly left these shoes, but I do have a wedding coming up.

I do have my “summer” shoes:

wornoutshoes

They’ve taken on the appearance of a roadside attraction in central Florida.

And I own a pair of sneakers for Zumba. They are currently caked in grass snippets because I mowed a wet lawn in them when I had mistakenly left my “dressy” shoes at the gym.

Give Thanks…for Sauna Pants

Thanksgiving is that annoying little holiday that gets in the way of me pitching a tent outside Target in hopes of buying this:

Yes, there are only four shopping days left until the consumer frenzy that is Black Friday. What better way to cap off a day expressing your thanks for family, friends and health then by elbowing someone’s else grandma in the face to get this great deal at Walmart:

I don’t know about you, but I am extra excited this year. This year the stores are opening at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day!!!

That means I can have this in my mouth four hours earlier than I thought:

Thankful.

That means I can spend the remainder of Black Friday on actual Friday wearing these:

And using this:

You know with Black Friday intruding earlier and earlier into the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s only a matter of time before we forget Thanksgiving existed all together, and instead transform it into Black Friday Eve.

FYI – this is what I want for next Black Friday Eve…pssttt! It’s at K-Mart!

And then we don’t have to even worry about cooking a turkey for future Black Friday Eves.

Give thanks.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She would feel more inspired if she was wearing sauna pants while she did this…hint…hint…

Miraculously Miraculous

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness.

The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.”

A hefty bag gave birth to many tiny hefty bags that were assembled together into a life size replica of Bo, the White House First Dog.

credit: Washington Post

And the Today show had a feature on how retailers are thrilled by the joy people spread through the firing of bullets, the stabbing of knives and the trampling of feet to obtain products that people can wear on their feet while they fire guns, stab and trample on others.

I guess some new sneakers came out, and they supposedly turn you into Michael Jordan when you wear them or maybe Lil Bow Wow, who starred in the movie Like Mike about a boy who finds a pair of old sneakers that make him play basketball like Michael Jordan. That–or they look cool so that’s why someone stabbed that guy seven times to get ahead of him in the line outside the mall.

Nike was none too happy (but kind of secretly happy) that people were literally trampling over toddlers to jam their feet into $180 shoes. They released this statement:

But there is a silver lining in all the attempted murdering–consumer confidence is up, people are spending and they are buying smart, says some smiling Today show guy in Florida. He smiles through his spiel about the tension people can feel when a gun suddenly goes off in a crowded sporting goods store before segueing into how people are using their trigger fingers to diddle their smart phones looking for the best deals and best ways to murder.

Christmas.

Around 25 percent of the population started buying their tangible displays of love this week, the Today show guy statisticizes, and 54 percent surveyed said that 80 percent of news stories that contain 63 percent of statistics make them sound 103 percent more scientific than stories that use less than 12 percent of surveys and 3 percent of reporting.

Shopping so close to the climax of the consumerism orgy fills Sheila Lopez with the Christmas spirit.

“I have to buy clothes,” she says in a spirited monotone befitting of one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.

Sheila then goes and bites the face of the nearest person carrying a Nike bag containing Air Jordans.

Miraculous.

Two Front Teeth Would Be Preferable

The holiday season is upon us–actually it began seven weeks ago so if you haven’t started your shopping yet, you’re basically %$%!&. With the holiday season comes the joy of spending money on marvelous gifts for marvelous people you marginally like….ahem..marvously like.

I love shopping. Love, love, love it!!! The movie Confessions of a Shopaholic was completely based on my life although I cannot say that with the utmost certainty having never actually seen it. I’m that person who tramples over that other person to buy that StirChef™ Hands-free Saucepan Stirrer every Black Friday at every Walmart in the country. I don’t just shop till I drop, I drop other people while I shop because I want me some delicious crap made by the tiny, tiny hands of children in foreign lands.

Wait a sec…..oh, yes, that’s right. I hate shopping. Hate, hate, hate it!!! The movie Confessions of a Nonshopaholic would be a movie based on my life if it was written and directed by me and then sold to a studio and distributed nationwide.

I think why I hate shopping, and in particular holiday shopping, is because I never know what to buy other people. What do you mean you don’t want a Thigh Glider®?

This year may be different, thanks to LTD Commodities. They sent me their catalog because they must have known I needed help or possibly some website I shopped at sold my personal information to them–six of one, half-dozen of the other.

And this catalog is a white Christmas wonderland of non-island-of-misfit-toys splendor. So so much to chose from. Let’s take a walk down Candy Cane Lane together, shall we?

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses – the name just rolls off the tongue especially when you have downed several shots of whiskey. This is marketed as “ideal serveware for your hunting lodge” and I couldn’t agree more, but it would be also perfect for every day use, baptisms and shotgun weddings.

Mom & Dad sweatshirts

D.A.D.D. & M.O.M.S Sweatshirts

The D.A.D.D. sweatshirts stands for Dads Against Daughters Dating and the M.O.M.S. for Mothers of Marvelous Sons. These are  “humorous.”  Yes.

On a side note, I appreciate that the catalog has labeled both the mom and the dad in the picture.

Call of Duty® Fleece Throw – Nothing softer or cozier than war.

“We’re Watching You”

Instructional Eye Shadow Sets – Learn smoky eye or experiment with your own color combination under the surveillant eye of Big Brother.

Smells just like fried chicken

Paula Deen Scented Candles – Captures that perfect Southern-fried Crisco scent.

Peace Sign Tables – Give peace a chance… to hold up your Paula Deen scented candles.

This is by no means a tired worn-out expression

Man Cave Stool – Allows one to “mark his male territory.” It will be easy to clean up any urine that hits the vinyl seat as one is marking his territory on the floor around the stool.

Football Team Bedroom Ensemble – To guarantee that you will never, ever score.