Let’s Finish this Twat so I can be Fifty Shades Freed (pgs. 501-548)

This is it, gentle reader.

The end.

It took some time getting to this point. My brain has shrunken to the size of a vaginal ball. I no longer recognize how sentences are properly constructed. And I’ve begun to call the wart on my left thumb “my inner goddess.” I sometimes dress it in cheerleading outfits.

Since we’re at the end, I would like to let you in on a little secret:

I fucking hate this book more than I fucking hated the other two.

The other two sucked an electrified butt plug, but this book is the king of the shitheap hill. There was no reason for it–no reason for any of them–but really no reason for this other than for E.L. James to make a bazillion more dollars.

Let’s get this over with. We left off with Ana saving the day with her lima-bean-sized brain and gun-firing skills, her in-and-out-of consciousness in the hospital and Speaker7 praying for an early demise.

Christian remembers that his foster mother called him “baby bird,” and suddenly Jack Hyde’s ransom note makes sense.

I’m glad it does for you, Christian, since I have never seen or heard anything about it. This from the author who included Christian’s BDSM contract verbatim. TWICE!

Baby bird is from the book Are You My Mother? Christian explains. Jack knew he loved it.

Will you tell the police? Ana wonders.

Okay, stop. Let’s stop. What the fuck is going on? Why is this relevant? Anybody have a theory?

Thanks Hugo. Fair point well made ol’ chap.

Ana wants to bang, but Christian wants to talk about Mrs. Robinson raping him.

Awesome.

As a teen, Christian did yard work for her so he had money to maintain his drinking habit. Good thing that’s cleared up since he drinks daily.

He made some smart-ass remark and Mrs. Robinson slapped him. Then she kissed him and slapped him again like some cardboard heroine from a 1950’s movie.

“‘Well naturally I was confused and angry and horny as hell. I mean, a hot older woman comes on to you like that–‘ He shakes his head as if he still can’t believe it.

Hot? I feel queasy.”

Way to keep perspective, Ana. Yes this is the exact moment to get jealous.

Mrs. Robinson made the world make sense until Ana turned everything upside down with her super vagina and commendable lip biting abilities.

More blather about loving her so much and her being the greatest thing since the hot dog dicer. He then explains his dickish actions when she told him she was pregnant. He left to see Dr. Flynn, but Dr. Flynn was running the bake sale or some such made-up shit at the local school so he went to the salon to talk to Mrs. Robinson.

They split a bottle of wine since Mrs. Robinson was the one who got Christian to stop drinking. She made a pass at him and he was like ewww.

Ana wonders if they kissed.

Christian said he thought about junior Grey having relations with an adult, and realized maybe it wasn’t all hunky dory.

Christian tells Ana he wants to be the center of her universe, but knows that’s over once the bun is cooked in her oven. Ana platitudes bullshit about children loving their parents unconditionally. Um…other way around, tootsie roll, say all parents of teenagers.

A day passes. Ana’s horny. She decides to dress sexily and brush her hair sexily. She wants scrambled eggs for breakfast and this greeted as surprising news by all, except for me because I’m scraping a fork against my eyeball.

Argue-time over whether she can go to work. Then she sees he’s wearing pajama bottoms. I don’t know if they’re hanging off his hips in that way. Are they? Are they??!?!??!?

He’s staying home too to keep Ana under guard so she won’t get into trouble like put a fork in an electrical outlet or get into the cleaning supplies under the sink.

Christian starts to feel up her leg with Mrs. Jones in the room. Banter about wanting to screw, and Mrs. Jones is trying to hide her smile, according to Ana. I really don’t think Mrs. Jones gives a fuck, but okay Ana, it’s from your addled-brain’s point of view.

They go to look at the boring house renovations and have a boring picnic in the meadow. Uh-oh–phone call from Welch. Mrs. Robinson’s ex Linc was the one who bailed out Jack Hyde!

Holy shit! Wait–who the fuck is he? And why the fuck do I care? And fuck?

Christian will destroy him. Awesome. This is as compelling as if I learned Noah Logan was behind it all. Remember him? Yeah, I don’t either, but at least he made an appearance on one page in this book unlike the super villain Linc.

The bankrupting of Linc gets them all hot and bothered and they screw. It’s the same-old, same-old. Some hair fisting, teeth clashing, inflaming loins. Christian pokes his fingers through her panties, which causes them to disintegrate. (?) Guess what? Ana’s wet. Like always.

Two more days pass, Christian is playing his dopey piano, but not the usual sad melody, something upbeat “Pop Goes the Weasel.” Ana uses this time to compose a stupid email and sneak off into the playroom. End, goddammit! End.

Oh, it’s the epilogue – May 2014.

Everyone’s dead.

Unfortunately no. For some reason we go back to the time in the playroom, and they do it. Why this needed to be a flashback is something that will require me to travel to the year 2014 and flashback upon.

Back to the future again. Ana’s pregnant with second child, a daughter. She tells Christian that the baby is dancing and makes the completely appropriate remark: “I think she likes sex already.”

*cue the montage*

Then Christian says this gem: “I’m looking forward to the taste of breast milk again.” I’m so glad they’re able to find a use for their babies in their sexual escapades. That seems so….fuck.

They play with their boy Teddy, and the end.

Wait a second. . . I’m at page 548, and what is this shit? Shades of Christian? Oh no, no, no, no, no. Nope. You do not get to tack on your writing exercises at the end, E.L., for me to slog through after I just read 4,000 pages of your potato scrapings. No thank you. NO. No I do not need to read the first flippin’ book again from Christian’s perspective. Guess what, y’all. It still sucks. What’s next? From the perspective of the pencil sharpener?

Shades of a Pencil Sharpener

Holy cow, these two are fucking idiots. You’re damn right! Who said that? It’s me, your inner pencil sharpener. What’s up, dawg? You want to go sharpen some pencils so we drown out these morons’ hissing and muttering and arrghhing? Word.

(To go to the beginning of my decline, click here)

 

A Pad of Extinction

So Bachelor Pad 3 ended recently.

The winner was this guy:

He is the love child of the weird creepy guy from Poltergeist II.

And fire marshall Bill:

Other stuff led up to this moment, which host Chris Harrison called “The most memorable finale of the most memorable season of the most memorable bachelors created by the most memorable eggs and sperms of the most memorable humans.”

I wanted to see this whole season through so that’s why I’m writing this now. I’d rather be plotting how I’m going to win a blog duel, but here I am.

Bachelor Pad 3 loser Jamie wore this:

Pad fav Michael Stagsomething defended sticking his tongue in some other person’s mouth and not really meaning it. He has a recording of terrible songs you can download on iTunes.

Host Chris Harrison puts Jaclyn on the “hot seat” next. Was it hard to be betrayed by your fake best friend, Chris Harrison propels out of his anus.

Blakely is hot-seated next. She blathers about something, and then brings forward the guy who likes her vagina. His name is Tony. He proposes on national television because why not?

Now the two couples in the finale get their last moment in the sun. Rachel cries at Michael about the former tongue-sticking with no future tongue-sticking in sight. Her partner Nick looks like he enjoys this exchange thoroughly.

Pad douchebag Chris B. says his dad thought Chris acted like a dick on the show, but Chris was just so hurt from his previous attempts at fake love on The Bachelorette.

They lose.

Rachel and Nick win votes from the other cast members. Now they must decide if they will share or keep the $250,000. If one chooses share and the other keep, the latter keeps it all. That’s what Nick does.

I guess they made a deal to split the money, but Nick changed his mind because he is awful. . . like everyone on this show.

So that’s it. It’s over. My herpes has cleared up and I can continue on. I guess I would care more that Nick screwed over Rachel if I actually had the capacity to care. But I don’t. I’ll let Jaclyn feel shock for me.

A Pad of Sad

Holy chlamydia!

Tomorrow we will discover which couple wins Bachelor Pad 3, but can one ever really be a winner on Bachelor Pad? (Answer: no)

I’ve realized I’ve shirked my responsibility of offering up a timely recrap of the previous episode and you’ve likely thrown my immunity rose into a paper shredder, but I want you to know that the connections we made and this journey we’ve gone on has been the most amazing experience of my life™.

Four couples remain as we open on a shot of a groundskeeper spraying disinfectant on a puddle of spooge by the pool. I don’t know if this really happened–it’s been awhile since I watched this–but it feels right.

Chris B. has survived another round, and is giving an inspiring pep talk to the remaining contestants who all hate him.

Partners drunkenly ramble to each other about “stepping up our game” and “needing to be on the same page” and “is there any more vodka? I’d like to chug some through my anus?”

Host Chris Harrison shows up and platitudes nonsense about their amazing journey without realizing I trademarked that phrase. He will be hearing from my sock puppet lawyer Hank. In the next competition, the winning couple will not receive immunity roses, but will have “a lot of power in their hands,” Chris Harrison lames. I’m wondering if they will receive the key to the liquor cabinet.

The four couples head outside and see four seats suspended over the pool. One partner sits on the seat while the other partner answers questions about Bachelor Pad 3. Every time the partner answers a question wrong, a rope holding up the seat will be cut. At some point the partner will lose the seat entirely and will have to hang on an overhead bar until his/her arm strength gives.

It’s as boring as it sounds.

Chris B. and Sarah win. They get to choose which couple will leave Bachelor Pad 3 immediately. Couples are given a chance to state their case, and Tony actually says he’s on the show to make his son proud of him. Oh vey.

Chris B. clearly enjoys his moment in the sun, and decides to bitch at all the people who have been meanie mean-means to him.

He chooses Blakely, his former partner, and Tony to go home. They weep with the intensity of someone about to be sent off to battle and climb into the limo of despair.

The three remaining couples are not even given a second to do the 10th jager bomb before they are summoned to the next challenge that will decide which two couples will head to the finale.

The limo pulls up to a theater. They see their names on the marquee. The saddest crowd of “fans” has gathered to greet them. I swear I’ve seen more people at a city council meeting on sewage. But the padders take it in stride and pretend they are actually celebrities.

In the theater, a bunch of old guys in wigs are playing instruments. It turns out it’s Knight Ranger. They launch into their seminal song “Sister Christian” while the contestants look drunkenly bewildered. It just shows that fame is a fleeting bitch, man. You’re on the top of the world in the 1980s, doing coke off a number of willing backsides. And then 30 years pass, and you’re performing for barely functioning reality TV contestants.

Each couple will perform the song “Sister Christian.” Knight Ranger will be the judges, and choose one couple as the winner. Each couple is given a vocal coach somehow connected to the show Glee, and 24 hours to practice. The practice session takes up the majority of the two hours. They are all predictably terrible.

Performance time. Rachel and Nick are first, and they’re terrible. They receive a standing ovation from the judges for some reason. The next group is Ed and Jaclyn, and they forget the words and keep asking for “do-overs” in drunken slurs. They then start dry humping.

Sarah and Chris B. are last. They are terrible, but know the lyrics. Sarah runs around the stage and then starts thrusting against the floor as if she were trying to thrust the last remaining dignity out of her body. The judges seem to dig it.

The judges pick Nick and Rachel for sucking the least so they will be heading to the finals. Sarah wins honorable mention for providing new mastubatory material for the judges. Nick and Rachel get to decide which couple will join them at the finale. Jaclyn says Rachel is her best friend so she knows she’s golden. Oh Jaclyn. Haven’t you ever read Aesop?Never count your genital sores before they hatch.

Nick convinces Rachel to pick Sarah and Chris B. since all the other contestants will vote on which couple will receive the $250,000. Everyone hates them, Nick reasons, so that will guarantee he and Rachel win.

At the final rose ceremony, Rachel breaks the bad news to her bestie. Jaclyn is pissed.

In the limo of sad, Jaclyn declares Rachel dead to her.

And that’s it. Aren’t you excited about the finale? Yeah, I’m not either.

Fifty Shades Neverending (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 451-500)

Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in her stomach, she dreams of a mostly bleak future when Fifty Shats Freely will be finished.

Two more recraps after this one. Two more, her inner hellbeast thinks while its razor-sharp teeth cuts through the cardboard cut-out meant to represent Ana Steele Grey’s inner goddess. (For more brain-damaging fun, click here)

Now we’ve just experienced a litany of plot twists that makes me surmise E.L. James had no idea what to write between the clinking of genitals. I had you vote on what you thought would happen next, and the majority voted for Speaker7 drinks a fourth glass of wine. I wish, gentle reader, I wish. But alas that was not the correct response.

You must be wondering which one was correct. Or like me, don’t give a shitball of shit. Well I won’t leave you guessing too long. There is a Pad of Bachelors I need to recrap after all.

So there’s a kidnapping and Ana is trying to get $5 million dollars rounded up. Should I just stop here and say this is the worst plot twist ever? Or is that shooting myself in the foot because in the next 50 pages, Ana will be flying to Tibet to rescue the Golden Child from evil sorcerers?

Ana’s at the bank. She has Leila’s gun tucked in the waistband of her jeans. I will laugh so hard if she gets arrested.

The bank teller gives her an “insincere smile” which earns her the clever moniker “Miss Insincere Smile.” Hate. I’m feeling such hate at this moment. Miss Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow, and what the fuck is that? What is that? How is that done? Miss Insincere Facial Features asks sarcastically “You have an account with us?”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

This does not happen. Maybe in the cafeteria of some 1980’s teen movie where the nerd can’t sit at the cool table, but then gets a new haircut and a pleather jacket and suddenly has an all access pass to Popularityville.

Ana’s vagina answers “This is the human encasement for the mighty Grey schlong.” Miss Insincere Gimmick gets all flustery and pees a little, and rolls out a tiny red carpet just big enough for a ruby-encrusted vaginal ball.

Ana gets passed along to the manager and there’s back-and-forth over this withdrawal being highly irregular, and I’m sorry the time this takes? Yeah Mia is dead. You had two hours, Ana, not two years. I guess the manager calls Christian when he leaves for the 18th time and Christian thinks Ana is leaving him and wants his money. He hisses at her to “take it all,” which must be hard because there are no sibilants in that sentence.

Nine more years pass, and Ana finally gets the money, but sees her security detail in the lobby. She is able to evade them by holding up a finger and mouthing “wait.” Seriously? She calls Jack Hyde and he says he has a car waiting for her. She goes out the back and it’s. . .

Da-da-dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!

Elizabeth.

Wait, who? I don’t know who this is. It’s Elizabeth from the office, Ana thinks. Still not helping, and I refuse to go back through any of the books to find a reference to her so let’s just gasp and say “Holy craptwats³!”

Elizabeth asks for Ana’s cell phone and throws it into the garbage. Who is this woman Ana thinks. Okay, so you don’t know either. That makes me feel better.

Oh wait, Ana does know her, but doesn’t understand why she’s helping the Scooby Doo villain.

Does Jack have some hold on you, Ana asks. Elizabeth slams the brakes and Ana goes crashing into the headrest. I’m starting to like Elizabeth.

They drive to an abandoned building. Jack is there wearing a suit, and “oozing arrogance and hatred.”

He beats Ana up. She hits her head on the concrete. Ana pulls her gun out and shoots Jack in the thigh and passes out to the sounds of car tires screeching and Christian’s voice. She eventually will be in and out of consciousness. *DingDingDing* This is the correct answer in the plot twist poll. Congratulations eight voters!

The hospital sequence is one million pages. Or it feels that way. She comes in and out of consciousness, catching snippets of conversation. Most of it is about how remarkable Ana is #bullshittheories.

We get to hear her stepdad Ray saying “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”

Wha? Sure Ray is a piece of plastic wrap, but he was a little normal. Now he’s like Christian?

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Finally Ana comes to because of her need to pee. There’s a whole thing about Ana being grossed out by her catheter. For fuck’s sake. Then she doesn’t want to pee in front of Christian, and the nurse argues with Christian, and Christian eventually picks Ana up and plops her on the toilet. She can’t pee with him standing there. Well Christian isn’t leaving….and this goes on forever. And I just don’t relate. If I have to pee to the point of bladder burstment, I’m peeing. I don’t care who’s there. In fact I’m peeing in my pants right now.

There’s some blathering about “I love you” “No, I love you” and the ordering of chicken soup. It feels as boring as an actual hospital visit except you don’t get to distract yourself by occasionally glancing up at the Wheel of Fortune episode playing on the TV.

Christian enjoys watching Ana chow down so much, he begins masturbating. He relates how he knew something was afoot when Taylor called and said Jack made bail. Please continue to forget that Jack was remanded with no bail.

“I don’t know how Sawyer found me,” Ana dumbs. Um. . . because everybody knew you were at the bank?

Ana wants to know why Christian went to see Elena.

Christian crawls into her hospital bed (!) and promises to talk about it tomorrow. The nurse comes in and frowns to see Christian in the bed. Ana says “Don’t be a stinker, be a thinker.” (not really, but it’s believable, yes?) Christian mumbles in his sleep “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.” There are so many levels of shits I don’t give at this point.

Ana wakes up, and Christian is gone. Her father-in-law peeks in, and they have this charming exchange, and by charming I mean I want to scrape my knuckles against a cheese grater a bizallion times.

“‘He’s a little mad at you, as he should be,’ Carrick smirks. Ah, this is where Christian gets it from.

‘Christian is always mad at me.’

‘Is he?’ Carrick smiles, pleased–as if this is a good thing. His smile is infectious.”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Dear Every Character in this Book,

Please succumb to some flesh-eating virus.

Love,

Speaker7

Christian brings Ana breakfast and his peen hardens when she wolfs it down. Why so hungry little bird? Because I’m preggers you big dope. Ooh, the non-elephant in the room. They whisper and hoarse-talk–which is different then horse talk because there’s less neigh–about being frightened about becoming parents. You know who should really be frightened? Your child.

Christian wonders if butt plugs can substitute for pacifiers, and Ana says the child will love Christian unconditionally–unless Christian acts like he has this entire series.

Ana is given the all clear to leave the hospital, and Christian actually checks on the sexing status with the doc. Awesome.

At home, the enormity of the stupid plot twists finally hits Ana and she “keens quietly” again. That is amazing.

Christian picks her up like a child (actual description) and they take a shower together–let us all pray to whatever sky deity we pray to and hope that E.L. James no longer means the child analogy because holy fuck gross shitballs butt plug. Christian unveils why Elizabeth helped Jack. They had a sex tape together. He taped all his sexual acts. I don’t get this because usually that kind of thing lands you a reality television show in this country.

Christian also leans the connection between him and Jack. They were at the same foster home. Um…okay. Did he do this because the Greys adopted you and not him, Ana wonders. Sure, why not?

Ana thinks Christian should talk to his parents so he invites them over and it turns into a big party. Before I leave you, I want to illustrate how remarkable Ana is with this passage:

“(Mia) looks fine. Impeccably dressed in tight black jeans and a pale prink frilly blouse. I’m glad I’m wearing my comfortable wrap dress and flats. At least I look reasonably presentable”

Yeah, she’s remarkably awful.

Curious George and the Monkey Anus Chocolate

Today I am hosting my first-ever guest post. I don’t know why I’ve never done this before because you do barely any work and reap all the glory. This is what it must feel like to be in top management. Anyhoo, my first guestblogger is Angie Z. of Childhood Relived. Here are things you should know about Angie Z:

1. She has a photographic memory
2. She is the funniest writer on earth and writes a terrific blog about the horrors of childhood.
3. She has a Brady Bunch DVD box set.
4. She is my BBFF.

I was honored to be asked by Speaker7 to write a guest post for her today.

Speaker7 is my Best Blog Friend Forever.  So if she says, “Jump,” I ask, “How high?”  And if she says, “Guest post,” I ask, “How many words?”  And if she says, “Restraining order,” I ask, “Can I still call you?”

I’m a big fan of Speaker7’s ongoing recaps of the wretched book series 50 Shades of Grey – which she’s lovingly coined “recraps”.

So today I thought it’d be fitting if I offered a recrap of my own.  And since I write a childhood nostalgia blog, I thought I’d recrap a children’s book to give it my own flavor.  I’ve selected Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory.

I hate this book.  I hate Curious George.  I hate monkeys.  I know this sounds harsh – my mom told me not to hate anything.  But I hate all of it.  Especially monkeys.  Especially monkeys of the (1) Wizard of Oz, (2) organ grinder and (3) cymbal-bashing varieties.

Curious George is less monkeyish and more chimp-like and therefore doesn’t wig me out like most monkeys – but he annoys the hell out of me.  And every time my kids bring me his books to read, I feel it’s my duty to first offer them the medical textbook photos of the monkeypox virus and then show them the most watched YouTube video of all time, a monkey sniffing its own fecal odor before contentedly passing out against a tree.

Oh, monkeys.

In every Curious George book, George wreaks havoc on the world.  People get hurt, things are broken, dreams are destroyed.

Someone always gets mad at George (and reasonably so) for all the stuff he’s screwed up.  And then someone always rushes to George’s defense and says, “But this monkey is the one who saved everything!”  And then everyone whole-heartedly agrees that George is a hero.  And then the Man with the Yellow Hat comes out smelling like roses, despite that he’s the one who recklessly abandoned his monkey in a train station/library/air control tower/strip club with no regard for human life.

Expect more of the same in this book.

In Curious George Goes to a Chocolate Factory, the Man with the Yellow Hat is obviously high as a kite and jonesing for chocolate.  With George in tow, he decides to stop at a chocolate factory to satisfy his munchies.  What could go wrong?

While there, the Man with the Yellow Hat decides to step out for an hour and snort a line of coke – but not before telling George to stay out of trouble while he’s gone.  Which is about like telling George to stop smearing his feces on the wall.  Not gonna happen.

While watching through a window with the other factory visitors, George spots his favorite chocolate on the conveyor belt – banana cream.  And for one fleeting second, I feel a Darwinian kinship to George – like he’s not so bad, like our DNA is more similar than I’d let on.  Because I’ve never once run across a banana cream among the nutty nougats and oozy garbage typically found in a box of chocolates.  And I’d argue that artificial banana flavor is the best artificial flavor of all time, beating out (1) artificial coconut, (2) artificial pistachio and (3) artificial bubble gum.  Indeed, this is a cause worth fighting for, George.

George enters the factory to get to the banana cream chocolates.  He begins eating them off the conveyor belt while the workers obliviously walk around him as if he’s camouflaged by a monkey-shaped chocolate suit.

But then – surprise, surprise – while reaching for a chocolate, George accidentally steps on the lever that speeds up the conveyor belt.

Chocolates fly off the belt.  Workers panic and cause a stampede.  A man is crushed to death in a gear collision.  Chaos ensues.

To play the hero, George jumps in and quickly puts the chocolates into boxes before they fall onto the floor.  He saves the chocolates, everyone!  Thank you, George!

Okay, pop quiz time.  Which would you rather have mixed in with your box of chocolates?  (A) Factory Floor Dust.  (B) Monkey Anus.

Trick question.  The correct answer was (C) Anything But Monkey Anus.

Of course, just as disaster is diverted by George, the Man with the Yellow Hat returns from his three-day drug binge with the innocent look of someone who’s played no role in causing an industrial holocaust.

Of course, the factory workers are so grateful for George’s “help” that they reward him with a box of chocolates.

George can’t eat a single one.  He groans and rubs his tummy that is now full with banana cream, his own feces and the mites he’s picked off the Man with the Yellow Hat.  He waves the chocolates away with his hand, which I interpret to mean, “They don’t taste as good when they’re not stolen.”

And with that, the Man with the Yellow Hat and Curious George wave goodbye and jump back in their car – off to the next town, where George will rob a gas station while the Man with the Yellow Hat steps out to visit a hooker.

 

Fifty Shades Buzzed (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 401-450)

Okay, gentle reader. I begin this recrap with a couple caveats. (For more recraps, click here)

First, I don’t know what caveat means.

Second, I’ve drunk two glasses of wine and am seriously considering a third because I am reading pages 401-450 of Fifty Shades Freak after all so the likelihood that this will be coherent is as likely as E.L. James writing an interesting book with non-butt pluggish main characters.

We begin with Ana curled up in Christian’s lap while he sends emails.

Just go with it. I feel it looks “artsy.”

Detective Clark wants to interview Ana about that fucker Hyde, Christian mutters through his clenched peen.

Detective Clark shows up. Ana blushes when she sits down on the hotel couch covered in her vaginal fluid. Clark tells Ana that Hyde said she sexually harassed him, and she told lies to get his job. He also said you were a stinky face and had cooties, Clark continues. Ana continually gives Christian charley horses throughout the interview to prevent him from beating Clark about the face with his testicles. After, Ana says Christian is very “sweary” and I’m very tired. More wine, garson!

Contrivance Ray is moved to a rehabilitation center in Seattle. Ana shows up to be weird and call him “Daddy” which he says he likes and…yeesh. While she leaves, she hears her name being called. It’s Dr. Greene, the roaming gynecologist. Ana’s missed four appointments and like Dr. Greene does with all patients, she’s tracking Ana down to say “Whas up, yo?” Ana’s scalp prickles so we know nothing good is coming. Dr. Greene just miraculously can do a pregnancy test even though I have to call 4 months in advance to schedule my regular check up, but I don’t have a Cadillac vagina. Ana’s preggers.

What? No. No. No. Fuck.  I’m imagining these are the thoughts of the fetus upon realizing the identity of its parents. Or it could Ana. E.L. James has purposely left it vague. Or she sucks as a writer.

Dr. Greene, of course, has time for an ultrasound. Why not? Does Ana want a vaginal facelift too?

“‘If you’ll just slip off your skirt, underwear, and cover yourself with the blanket on the table, we’ll go from there,’ she says briskly.

Underwear? I know, weird right? I always wear 10 layers of underwear during my gynecological visits. Don’t trust her Ana!

Ana’s worried about Christian’s reaction. “I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian. . . “

Ana goes back to work. There are emails.

Christian collects her like Star Wars action figure later that night. She is wary. Christian demands to know why she is not as wet as normal. She also hasn’t eaten. “‘Do you want me to add ‘feed my wife’ to the security details list of duties?'” Christian bores.

They visit Ray. Christian and Ray talk about baseball, fishing and ejaculation–men topics. Ana says she’ll see him tomorrow That’s provided Christian hasn’t locked you away . . . or worse. Wha? I mean, I’m drunk, but even in inebriation I can tell that’s fifty shades of fucked up. Oh my god, do you see what I did there? I don’t either.

Ana finally confesses to the pregnancy, and Christian acts like a Newt Gingrich would about his 10th mistress. He snarls, his brow furrows, he says “fuck”, he closes his eyes, he has an anger force field, his “eyes burn so many emotions.” Then he leaves.

He comes back drunk. He sniffs her hair. He calls the baby an invader. Ana’s scalp prickles and she uncovers that he’s been with Elena, Mrs. Robinson, when she sees a text from her.

Yup.

So he’s a dick and she’s a wet piece of toast for 12 or so pages. Then we get the 125th plot twist of stupid. Jack Frost has Mia. Ana’s scalp prickles with ridiculousness because even her scalp is like “The fuck?”

So the “prick-teasing” gold-digging whore” has to pay some ransom or Mia bites it. Let’s not remember that Hyde was remanded with no bail because boo.

Jack wants $5 million, vaginal ball. No one can know or he will kill Mia and yawn…no more wine. I can’t drink anymore. That is the serious tragedy here, people.

Ana has to evade her security team and I just don’t want to read anymore, but what a vag-tastic (™sweetmother) plot twist.

What do you think will happen next?

Fifty New Plot Twists (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 351-400)

I have dreams, gentle reader.

My dream was to finish the literary anal fissure that is Fifty Shades Freed before my return to work on Tuesday.

But alas, this dream is dead as so many have gone before it. Why did this happen?

Because this book is too long and my brain is too worn-out like an overused vaginal ball. (For previous recraps, click here)

But let’s carry on because I will have to watch my child at some point. I know Hugo and Goofy are anxious to continue, right guys?

That’s the spirit.

For three sentences, things seem sunshiny in Ana Steele Grey’s narrow world of stupid. But then holy crap plot twist, fifty shaders, Ana receives a call from José’s  father that her stepdad Ray was in a car accident and lying in a coma of contrivance.

Ana does a few things that are pretty amazing in the sense that they are impossible. First she can’t reach Christian so she groans silently with frustration. How does one groan silently exactly? Then she “keens quietly” in the backseat. What will she do next? Scream peacefully? Hiccup voluntarily?

Christian finally calls and says he will have to meet her at the hospital because he’s hammering out some made-up business deal with the Taiwanese. Why do I know nothing about this? Ana thinks trivially. Because the only hammering you care about, Ana, is the peen kind.

She arrives at the hospital, and mutterly screams in her head about the last time she was in the ER for twisting her ankle.  She shudders at that memory. Yes, that seems really awful. I’m sure the guy in the ER who’d been stabbed multiple times really felt for you.

She asks for Ray Steele, and the nurse says let me check Miss Steele. “I nod, not bothering to correct her.” Wow, what an asshole to even have this thought. Ray’s lucky you’re here, Ana.

She sees José and Mr. Rodriguez, also named José (very inventive, E.L.), in the waiting room. José Senior said the car they were driving in was hit by a drunk driver. Christian arrives, and his face darkens when he sees José holding Ana’s hand. Oh for fuck’s sake.

He’s all up in her bizness about eating. The doctor arrives. “All the blood disappears from my head as I stumble to my feet” Ana dumb thinks. This actually explains quite a bit about Ana. And then she thinks this gem: “Under any other circumstances, I would have found the doctor attractive.” The doctor addresses her as Miss Steele. Mrs. Grey, Christian corrects because his penis is enraged.

The Josés leave, and Ana sits on Christian’s lap in the waiting room. Hmmm…that seems normal.

Ray’s out of surgery so Ana and Christian go see him. The nurse predictably gets wet at the sight of Christian Grey’s stupid face, and Ana has the generous thought of “Incongrously I’m thinking blonde is not her true color.” Can the drunk driver just crash through the hospital room now?

They check in at the Heathman, the setting of their first twisted encounter. Christian’s shaken because he normally sees Ana as brave and strong. Really? When? I want some muther fucking page numbers, y’all.  Because I’ve never seen it, and I’ve read over 1,300 pages of this twat rot. Oh dear christ…I’m going to go jump off a building.

The next day is Ana’s birthday. She is 3 in dog years. Christian gives her a charm bracelet, and I shit you not, one of the charms is an ice cream cone, a shout-out to the ice-cream-in-the-vag bacterial nightmare. She later thinks “Ben & Jerry’s & Ana” and I gouge my eyes out with blowtorch. He also buys her a sports car, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the brake line will be severed.

They reenact some of their finest Heathman moments. She uses his toothbrush. Gack.  She reminisces how she was just a 21-year-old butt plug then and now she is a 22-year-old prostate massager. She toots “I’m getting old.” Fuck you.

In the infamous elevator of tongue-jamming, the duo get all hot and bothered and jam tongues again.

After visiting with Ray, Ana meets Christian in the waiting room. He looks angry and is speaking a completely implausible one-sided phone conversation.

They go to lunch. Ana suggests the restaurant where they got back together in Fifty Shades Darker. “Do you think that supercilious fucker is still waiting tables?” Christian asks. God I hope he spit in your food.

They get ready for dinner and get on the elevator with two other women. The sight of Christian Grey causes the women to lose all their vaginal fluids. They also hate Ana. Yes ladies, he’s mine. Fuck fuck. That’s all I have just fuck fuck.

Christian has arranged a surprise birthday party.

At the hospital again, the staff encourages Ana to talk to Ray about her life to get him to snap out of his coma.

With Ray awake, Ana finally feels like really doing it, and yuck connection. She’s so turned on she even thinks Why are his feet so hot? Christian ties her to the sofa, and orders her to feel herself up. He bellows “Come on Ana!” and she does on cue.

And that’s where I leave you, fifty shader. Incongruously, I’m thinking this book is shitballs.

A Pad of Illiterates

Only two more episodes left, Bachelor Pad 3 fans. Can I call you that?

It seems like only yesterday 400 or so contestants were drinking and releasing fluids into the pool. And now only 10 contestants remain to imbibe and frolic in the herpes-infested water.

The previous elimination ceremony was devastating to Rachel who lost her partner Michael. We begin with her weeping upstairs.

Host Chris Harrison shows up to say contestants will be playing as partners now, which means they will be eliminated as partners. Rachel seeks out the only remaining unpartnered male left.

The challenge is a spelling bee, and unsurprisingly the contestants can’t spell for shit. They quickly knock off monosyllabic words like “love” “hole” and “poop,” but choke on the “harder” words like “dignity.”

It’s down to two teams: Jaclyn and Ed and Chris B. and Sarah. Everyone hates Chris B. and hopes he goes down in flames. He wins by being only slightly less stupid than Ed. Chris B and Sarah win immunity and an overnight date in a shit-filled barn. Ed and Jaclyn also win an overnight date.

Rachel continues to pine for her partner and refers to herself as a widow. Nick tries to get her on board by saying Michael would have wanted it this way, as if Michael died rather than just got eliminated on a third-rate crappy reality show.

Jaclyn, Blakely and Rachel pinkyswear that they will vote for Kalon and Lindzi to be eliminated. Blakely excited she’s one more show closer to winning $250,000. “I can get cable,” she sads.

Ed and Jaclyn’s date card arrives. Jaclyn interviews she’s scared of rejection and of falling in love. If you remember from the previous recrap, Ed has been quite vocal about his lack of interest in Jaclyn.

He continues that trend on their awkward picnic date, telling Jaclyn that he is pursuing a relationship with a woman outside of reality television. He does, however, still enjoy using Jaclyn’s body as his own private plaything.

Meanwhile at the pad of delusion, Tony and Blakely continue to feign interest in one another. Tony blathers that he’s really fake falling for her.

We cut to an even more uncomfortable dinner with Ed and Jaclyn where Ed continues to insert his foot into his mouth. He lovingly tells her to calm down and not label anything, and expresses his desire to continue peen-sticking with no commitment or hassle. He’s a prince, that one.

When they return to the house, they learn they can hand out an immunity rose to one of the remaining couples. Couples come with hat in hand begging for mercy while Godfather-esque music plays in the background. Lindzi declares “I’m your bitch.” Someone leaves a horse head in someone’s bed. And the rose goes to Blakely and Tony.

Kalon makes a last ditch effort to stick around by trying to convince others to vote for Rachel and Nick. Blakely and Tony seem receptive. Nick cannot believe the injustice. He confronts Tony and Blakely.

Tony is agog at Nick’s accusations of betrayal.

Rachel’s worried her partner has ruined their chances. She laments her loss of Michael and rewrites a “Candle in the Wind” using the nickname they came up with for Michael’s peen, Wicky. Nick is “livid” he says although, once again, it’s hard to tell since he’s already so red.

At the elimination ceremony, Kalon and Lindzi are sent packing. Nick realizes he needs to bond with his partner Rachel if they’re going to have a chance to win.

And that’s basically it. I leave you with this random footage from the episode.

Fifty Shades Freed is Unreadable (pgs. 301-350)

For previous installments, click here. 

Dear E.L. James:

Ugh, this goddamned book.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to start with a vulgarity, but I just read the worst 50 pages of sentences  you clearly shite directly out of your bottom onto a piece of paper.

This speaks volumes because I read Fifty Shades of Grey  in its entirety and the ice-cream-in-the-vag monstrosity in Fifty Shades Darker. I’ve been slogging my way through Fifty Shades Freed, the shittiest of the trilogy, since the beginning of August. Now my grievance is not that you are a terrible writer–you are–but that you have created the two worst fictional people on the planet.

Ana and Christian Grey are just…ugh. They are just ugh. The only way this book can be saved is if they drown in their own bodily fluids. Does that happen? Please say it does.

I understand this began as fan fiction. You were reading Twilight and masturbating with a  marbly, sparkling snow globe, and basically created sludge from santorum-like source material. Doesn’t excuse all the butt pluggery behavior of your two protagonists.

So I started pages 301-350, and Ana, Christian and their worshippers are at a club, and this is what I read:

And I just fill up with hate. I feel like there should be some type of reciprocity, like you should be forced to read the play I wrote in German in 12th grade or all my city council meeting newspaper articles.

Mia, Christian’s sister, wants to dance and “throw some shapes.” Yeah, that’s not a saying. Maybe in Britain, but not here, and if it is a saying in Britain, this is why America declared independence. Ana wobbles out onto the dance floor because she’s drunk the equivalent of four bottles of wine and weighs 80 pounds. Ana’s surprised she can suddenly dance since she spent the first 20 years of her life in a dog crate reading books.

Ana dumbthinks she can dance because Christian has stuck numerous objects in down there. Never let Ana be a dance teacher.

She feels hands on her and thinks it’s Christian so she grinds her butt into his groin. Nope, not Christian, just some random meathead. Ana screams and slaps him. The guy backs off and then Christian punches him after the fact. Unfortunately he is not arrested for assault.

Ana dumb wonders why she did it, and we get this chestnut:

Christian’s still mad, but he does some sensual dancing. They do everything, but peen-stick on the dance floor and Christian makes the loving declaration “No one touches what’s mine.”

Awesome.

E.L., you do realize that owning people is not considered cool? Like if any man ever said that to me, I would first laugh because obviously he had to be joking, and then I would leave because…gross.

Ana’s drunk. They leave. He takes off her make-up. They “joke” about watching her pee and I die. She’s mesmerized by his pajama bottoms.

He’s not going to bury himself in her tonight but he orders her to sleep. “‘When I come back to bed, I’ll expect you to be asleep.’ It’s a threat, a command. . . it’s Christian.” Jesus christ. Hate. Hate right now searing in my brain.

He buries himself in her later when they go through a rape fantasy sex game. Really, the worst 50 pages. Afterwards, Christian says something totally normal. “You confound me.” No one talks like this, E.L., no one. It doesn’t make him sound poetic or smart, it makes him sound like you’re a terrible writer.

At breakfast, Ana surreptitiously watches Christian walk outside with the help. He picks up a bamboo stick and swipes it. Oh…she farts out of her brain. Is this anything? Is he going to cane her or are we just wasting my goddamned time? I’m expecting the latter because you write as if you are recording the day to day events of dildos.

Ah wonderful! The motherfracking email exchange! And it’s like we’re actually at work with Ana. We get to experience her assistant coming in. Should we go over your schedule? Yes, cancel my 10:30…oh excuse me the phone is ringing. Hello? Oh hi Roach. Yes I’ll come up to your office in 20 minutes. She farts into a chair. You realize you can condense all this into: Ana goes to work. It doesn’t need to be seven pages.

Then more emails and at first I was really confused–oh excuse me, confounded— because they’re talking about events that I haven’t read about and then I realize this is how you’re showing the passage of time, and it’s just not necessary. No one gives a shit about any of this. He emails about some good time with vaginal balls at some Dipshit Association dinner, and other sexual innuendo that makes me believe you, E.L., do not understand innuendo. Pointless.

Then we get a visit from Leila the ex-sub who tried to kill Ana, and Ana’s like “What’s up dawg?” And Ana’s all confused that Christian has a list of people forbidden to see her. Really? I’m not. I’m just surprised Ana’s not stuck in some cage in his basement. The Leila visit is uninspired, and Ana has immature jealous thoughts through the whole thing and compares herself to Leila, and E.L., I’m sorry your world is so small. Lovely women exist in the world. I’m sorry you can’t see that.

Christian’s all angerball. He angrily murmurs and strokes his face with his slim-jim fingers, and pfftt. And you try to pass it off as him just wanting Ana safe. No, E.L., he’s an abusive prick.

Ugh.

Just ugh to it all.

With searing hatred,

Speaker7

P.S. Why is this book so mutherfracking long? I know it’s neat when you learn how to cut and paste, but that doesn’t mean you should cut and paste huge chunks of paragraphs and try to pass it off as something new. If I have to read one more time how Ana is spent after a bout of boring peen-sticking, I’m going to fly to England and hit you in the head with a sack of vaginal balls.

Fifty Shades Procrastination (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 251-300)

Oh boy.

So it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve written a Fifty Shades Fuckadoodle recrap. Why is that?

Oh right because this book is the literary equivalent of a raging hemorrhoid. And like a raging hemorrhoid, this book inflames my anal cavity with the intensity of all of Jupiter’s suns combined.

Before I begin, I would like to direct readers to some truly phenomenal mockery of Fifty Shades on display at Alice at Wonderland. More people need to read this because it is the opposite of a raging hemorrhoid. Alice is currently recapping Fifty Shades Darker by interviewing E.L. James’ moronic fictional creations. For her earlier work on Fifty Shades of Grog, start here. Seriously, her recapping is so good, Hugo asked if he could work for her. Hugo believes my work has been “uninspired.” Wait–was uninspired what Hugo said?

That’s right.

I don’t even remember where I last left off (for previous recraps, go here). Likely Ana had Christian’s freakishly long fingers inside her. She might have said “Crap” or “Bloop”. Christian probably planted a flag in Ana’s down there to stake his claim. He might have even made a taxidermied hamster out of it. They most definitely muttered and murmured because no one can ever just “say” anything in this book.

Pretty much nothing happens in pages 251-300. The short summary is this: Ana buys a dress in Aspen.

The long summary is lots of sentences are written about other things. So I guess I’ll have to mention a little bit about those.

After Christian wouldn’t let Ana come, he tells her that Jack Hyde was the one who cut the brakes on the helicopter or whatever. Holy fuck. Hyde was planning on kidnapping Ana. Holy fuck. Christian thinks Detroit is the connection because both Jack and Christian were born there. Holy…pfft.

Just wait…it gets worse.

Ana wakes up to Christian having a nightmare. She soothes him with comforting words and warm milk. I’m joking. It’s a lot of peen-sticking. He tells her to “Come for me” and she does like a trained homing pigeon. Ana falls asleep then wakes up again to sad twinkle fingers on the piano.

Christian is the sad piano man because his adult wife “won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe-words me.” Aw, that’s sweet that he’s sad his wife called the kibosh on his emotional manipulation. He then says he dreamt she was dead, but leaves out the part where he was the one who murdered her.

The next day, Christian drives Ana to his lear jet. He has a surprise. He’s taking her to Aspen along with Kate, Elliot, Mia and Ethan. Ana dislikes the purring flight attendant because Natalia is brunette, and Ana is a raging hemorrhoid.

On the plane Kate asks questions about the Jack Hyde situation because she is as close to normal as you’re going to get in this book. Of course, Ana is all pissed off in her head at Kate’s audacity to question anything concerning Christian.

Suddenly the plane hits some major turbulence. The pilot loses control and the plane crashes into the ground.

Sorry, that did not happen. That’s just a dream of mine. I’m going to take a break for a second and play some sad piano music.

I’m back. What’s happened. Oh yes, the sextet arrives at Christian’s palatial Aspen house. Ana’s all icky-poo about being rich and having servants, and she thinkfarts Oh my, it’s so hard being rich. 

Upon entering the house, a trick wire is ignited and the house explodes.

No, that did not happen as much as I tried to will it to happen. I even bought that crappy book The Secret and tried to positive-think that into happening. Ana and the girls do girl things like shop and get paid less for the same work. Christian and the boys do boy things like fish and restrict women’s access to abortion.

Kate confides that Elliot seems distant, and Ana feigns concern, but secretly laps it up because she hates their normal relationship in light of the fact she married a walking butt plug. Mia convinces Ana to buy a dress–she refers to it as The Dress because she is a rectal sausage–that barely covers her ass, and she thinkfarts Oh, but I’m so plain and this dress makes me look like I have really long, perfect legs. I struggle so much…without Christian’s penis inside me.

The sextet eats dinner like humans do, and Elliot proposes to Kate. She accepts and then the restaurant explodes.

Sorry, more wishful thinking. They go clubbing, and Ana refers to the hostess as “Miss Satin Hot Pants” because she is Miss Asshole Face Jerkwad.

And that’s really it. An extremely necessary and illuminating 50 pages of hemorrhoid-inducing awesomeness. I should probably stock up on some Preparation H®.