Tomorrow we will discover which couple wins Bachelor Pad 3, but can one ever really be a winner on Bachelor Pad? (Answer: no)
I’ve realized I’ve shirked my responsibility of offering up a timely recrap of the previous episode and you’ve likely thrown my immunity rose into a paper shredder, but I want you to know that the connections we made and this journey we’ve gone on has been the most amazing experience of my life™.
Four couples remain as we open on a shot of a groundskeeper spraying disinfectant on a puddle of spooge by the pool. I don’t know if this really happened–it’s been awhile since I watched this–but it feels right.
Chris B. has survived another round, and is giving an inspiring pep talk to the remaining contestants who all hate him.
Partners drunkenly ramble to each other about “stepping up our game” and “needing to be on the same page” and “is there any more vodka? I’d like to chug some through my anus?”
Host Chris Harrison shows up and platitudes nonsense about their amazing journey without realizing I trademarked that phrase. He will be hearing from my sock puppet lawyer Hank. In the next competition, the winning couple will not receive immunity roses, but will have “a lot of power in their hands,” Chris Harrison lames. I’m wondering if they will receive the key to the liquor cabinet.
The four couples head outside and see four seats suspended over the pool. One partner sits on the seat while the other partner answers questions about Bachelor Pad 3. Every time the partner answers a question wrong, a rope holding up the seat will be cut. At some point the partner will lose the seat entirely and will have to hang on an overhead bar until his/her arm strength gives.
It’s as boring as it sounds.
Chris B. and Sarah win. They get to choose which couple will leave Bachelor Pad 3 immediately. Couples are given a chance to state their case, and Tony actually says he’s on the show to make his son proud of him. Oh vey.
Chris B. clearly enjoys his moment in the sun, and decides to bitch at all the people who have been meanie mean-means to him.
He chooses Blakely, his former partner, and Tony to go home. They weep with the intensity of someone about to be sent off to battle and climb into the limo of despair.
The three remaining couples are not even given a second to do the 10th jager bomb before they are summoned to the next challenge that will decide which two couples will head to the finale.
The limo pulls up to a theater. They see their names on the marquee. The saddest crowd of “fans” has gathered to greet them. I swear I’ve seen more people at a city council meeting on sewage. But the padders take it in stride and pretend they are actually celebrities.
In the theater, a bunch of old guys in wigs are playing instruments. It turns out it’s Knight Ranger. They launch into their seminal song “Sister Christian” while the contestants look drunkenly bewildered. It just shows that fame is a fleeting bitch, man. You’re on the top of the world in the 1980s, doing coke off a number of willing backsides. And then 30 years pass, and you’re performing for barely functioning reality TV contestants.
Each couple will perform the song “Sister Christian.” Knight Ranger will be the judges, and choose one couple as the winner. Each couple is given a vocal coach somehow connected to the show Glee, and 24 hours to practice. The practice session takes up the majority of the two hours. They are all predictably terrible.
Performance time. Rachel and Nick are first, and they’re terrible. They receive a standing ovation from the judges for some reason. The next group is Ed and Jaclyn, and they forget the words and keep asking for “do-overs” in drunken slurs. They then start dry humping.
Sarah and Chris B. are last. They are terrible, but know the lyrics. Sarah runs around the stage and then starts thrusting against the floor as if she were trying to thrust the last remaining dignity out of her body. The judges seem to dig it.
The judges pick Nick and Rachel for sucking the least so they will be heading to the finals. Sarah wins honorable mention for providing new mastubatory material for the judges. Nick and Rachel get to decide which couple will join them at the finale. Jaclyn says Rachel is her best friend so she knows she’s golden. Oh Jaclyn. Haven’t you ever read Aesop?Never count your genital sores before they hatch.
Nick convinces Rachel to pick Sarah and Chris B. since all the other contestants will vote on which couple will receive the $250,000. Everyone hates them, Nick reasons, so that will guarantee he and Rachel win.
At the final rose ceremony, Rachel breaks the bad news to her bestie. Jaclyn is pissed.
In the limo of sad, Jaclyn declares Rachel dead to her.
And that’s it. Aren’t you excited about the finale? Yeah, I’m not either.
I had begun to forget all the load of crap from last week’s show, so thanks for this. Now I can’t wait for the finale. I just hope I live through it.
Tonight! Tonight it all happens! I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Thank you for watching this so I don’t have to. You are a giver.
I need to be recognized by some humanitarian organization.
Oh, lord. Thanks for watching this and spoofing it. You need to be on TV right after the show commenting on it. You’d have higher ratings 😉
It would be really good show since I would be blind drunk by that point.
What station is this on again? Gad. Just think, these people vote. That should be comforting.
It is the most comforting thought on earth next to the thought that women love them some Christian Grey.
Why, Speaker, Whyyyyyyy?
“So when I sing, do I open my mouth?” Loooooool. Love it. The Sister Christian thing is so depressing that I want to crawl in a hole.
That is exactly how I felt. It was excruciating.
That picture of crying Z-list celebrity may be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
I know. I feel like starting a Save the Z-List Celebrity organization.
Poor Night Ranger. They didn’t they go in together on some Dominos franchises so they wouldn’t have to do this?
I am sadfaced for 80s music everywhere.
Maybe they just wanted one last time in the spotlight. Or maybe they thought they were judges on American Idol?
Damn! Where have I been all my life. Excitement like this, and I didn’t even know it was on.
I know. Does it feel like you’ve wasted your entire life up until this point?
I like the recraps of this better than the shades of puke. I still wouldn’t watch it though. Life is too short to waste time on shitty television or crappy books. 🙂
So glad Speaker wastes time on the crappy books and T.V. Life is too short not to read lots of awesome recraps of awful shows. I think a lot of the funniest bloggers should get together and do a MST3K thing on a reality show like this. It would be the ultimate youtube video. Or even a blog post, if you posted the transcript.
If I weren’t so tired, I might have understood this comment. I will check it again tomorrow when I am awake. 😛
you probably won’t understand it then either. I’m not sure I do.
lol…at least I know I’m not losing my mind. 🙂
I’m happy to waste my dreams and youth and aspirations in order to write about butt plugs and chlamydia. Wait…what did I just write?
The only difference between us and EL James is that she, like, get millions to write about that stuff and we don’t. I feel so much better.
I hope that pool was chock full of disinfectant.
I think the pool will likely have to be abandoned at this point. No amount of disinfectant will help it.
You know I always have to watch so I can laugh with you. Your stuff stands up without watching but it is even funnier when I watch it.
Wow. I’m sorry to put you through that. Well, at least we only have one more episode.
But what is going to happen? The world HAS to know!
Hilarious captions, ROFL!
Whoa. Whoa. They made them SING? I think all shows like this should be renamed to, “Let’s see what THEY’LL do to stay on TV!” with teasers like, “Next up: Making out with the in-laws!”
I’m afraid to even ask what the winners of this show get, besides antibiotics.
I do, however, marvel at the fact that you’re able to watch it for years and still write coherent sentences. And the picture where the guy is asking for a blow job is classic!
I love you more than I love Andy Cohen.
Sister Christian. Wow. It is apparently meant to be the theme song for genital warts. Who knew?