A Pad of Illiterates

Only two more episodes left, Bachelor Pad 3 fans. Can I call you that?

It seems like only yesterday 400 or so contestants were drinking and releasing fluids into the pool. And now only 10 contestants remain to imbibe and frolic in the herpes-infested water.

The previous elimination ceremony was devastating to Rachel who lost her partner Michael. We begin with her weeping upstairs.

Host Chris Harrison shows up to say contestants will be playing as partners now, which means they will be eliminated as partners. Rachel seeks out the only remaining unpartnered male left.

The challenge is a spelling bee, and unsurprisingly the contestants can’t spell for shit. They quickly knock off monosyllabic words like “love” “hole” and “poop,” but choke on the “harder” words like “dignity.”

It’s down to two teams: Jaclyn and Ed and Chris B. and Sarah. Everyone hates Chris B. and hopes he goes down in flames. He wins by being only slightly less stupid than Ed. Chris B and Sarah win immunity and an overnight date in a shit-filled barn. Ed and Jaclyn also win an overnight date.

Rachel continues to pine for her partner and refers to herself as a widow. Nick tries to get her on board by saying Michael would have wanted it this way, as if Michael died rather than just got eliminated on a third-rate crappy reality show.

Jaclyn, Blakely and Rachel pinkyswear that they will vote for Kalon and Lindzi to be eliminated. Blakely excited she’s one more show closer to winning $250,000. “I can get cable,” she sads.

Ed and Jaclyn’s date card arrives. Jaclyn interviews she’s scared of rejection and of falling in love. If you remember from the previous recrap, Ed has been quite vocal about his lack of interest in Jaclyn.

He continues that trend on their awkward picnic date, telling Jaclyn that he is pursuing a relationship with a woman outside of reality television. He does, however, still enjoy using Jaclyn’s body as his own private plaything.

Meanwhile at the pad of delusion, Tony and Blakely continue to feign interest in one another. Tony blathers that he’s really fake falling for her.

We cut to an even more uncomfortable dinner with Ed and Jaclyn where Ed continues to insert his foot into his mouth. He lovingly tells her to calm down and not label anything, and expresses his desire to continue peen-sticking with no commitment or hassle. He’s a prince, that one.

When they return to the house, they learn they can hand out an immunity rose to one of the remaining couples. Couples come with hat in hand begging for mercy while Godfather-esque music plays in the background. Lindzi declares “I’m your bitch.” Someone leaves a horse head in someone’s bed. And the rose goes to Blakely and Tony.

Kalon makes a last ditch effort to stick around by trying to convince others to vote for Rachel and Nick. Blakely and Tony seem receptive. Nick cannot believe the injustice. He confronts Tony and Blakely.

Tony is agog at Nick’s accusations of betrayal.

Rachel’s worried her partner has ruined their chances. She laments her loss of Michael and rewrites a Candle in the Wind” using the nickname they came up with for Michael’s peen, Wicky. Nick is “livid” he says although, once again, it’s hard to tell since he’s already so red.

At the elimination ceremony, Kalon and Lindzi are sent packing. Nick realizes he needs to bond with his partner Rachel if they’re going to have a chance to win.

And that’s basically it. I leave you with this random footage from the episode.


  1. I just realized – this show is filled with people who would probably enjoy 50 shades. Oh, I hate to add to your misery, but I thought you should know. There’s a 50 Shades of Grey magazine now. Like an even more twisted Cosmo, except probably without quizzes. Readers would do as badly as the spelling bee contestants on Bachelor Pad.

  2. Wicky happens to be the nickname for my new pet parakeet, Wickersham. The name has been tainted now and Wicky is dead to me. Thanks a lot, Michael’s peen.

      1. I love birds, especially NYC pigeons aka rats with wings per Woody Allen. NYC is an all you can eat place, they can fly, they’re forever screwing (okay, mating) and they can dump whenever and on whoever they want. They also have a pretty decent life span before they check out, 5-6 years … but that means I would have bought my rainbow in 1965.

  3. Douche douche douche. I swear, I don’t know where they find these people. I don’t the the women could possibly like themselves. I love watching hot messes going down. Love the photos, you had me laughing.


    Lady or Not…Here I Come

      1. My post today (well posted last night) was about douchey men. I think the casting directors need to look for guys without the pink shirt.

        Keep up the funny. 🙂

        Lady or Not…Here I Come

      1. LOL you’re so right. I try to make fun of that book as often as I can in my blog. My post that have written for tomorrow makes fun of that guy.

  4. I can’t wait for your next installment of fifty shades of poopsicles. I got a *ahem* free copy of the book (cuz I just refuse to pay for that shit) and when I get board I skim through it so I get annoyed and outraged (I do that sometimes. I don’t know why… I’ll listen to Rush Limbaugh just to spew obscenities at my radio lol). Anyway, there are some real gems in there that made me want to find a person who liked this book and punch them repeatedly in the head until they repented including by not limited to: making snide and jealous comments about the nurse who is taking care of Ana’s father who happens to be in a coma… but that’s secondary when you’re a bitch like Ana and are threatened by other women. Christian calling her stupid for getting pregnant and much much more…. GOD DAMN I HATE THIS FUCKING EL JAMES TWAT. SHE’S A PLAGUE ON SOCIETY!

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