A Pad of Extinction

So Bachelor Pad 3 ended recently.

The winner was this guy:

He is the love child of the weird creepy guy from Poltergeist II.

And fire marshall Bill:

Other stuff led up to this moment, which host Chris Harrison called “The most memorable finale of the most memorable season of the most memorable bachelors created by the most memorable eggs and sperms of the most memorable humans.”

I wanted to see this whole season through so that’s why I’m writing this now. I’d rather be plotting how I’m going to win a blog duel, but here I am.

Bachelor Pad 3 loser Jamie wore this:

Pad fav Michael Stagsomething defended sticking his tongue in some other person’s mouth and not really meaning it. He has a recording of terrible songs you can download on iTunes.

Host Chris Harrison puts Jaclyn on the “hot seat” next. Was it hard to be betrayed by your fake best friend, Chris Harrison propels out of his anus.

Blakely is hot-seated next. She blathers about something, and then brings forward the guy who likes her vagina. His name is Tony. He proposes on national television because why not?

Now the two couples in the finale get their last moment in the sun. Rachel cries at Michael about the former tongue-sticking with no future tongue-sticking in sight. Her partner Nick looks like he enjoys this exchange thoroughly.

Pad douchebag Chris B. says his dad thought Chris acted like a dick on the show, but Chris was just so hurt from his previous attempts at fake love on The Bachelorette.

They lose.

Rachel and Nick win votes from the other cast members. Now they must decide if they will share or keep the $250,000. If one chooses share and the other keep, the latter keeps it all. That’s what Nick does.

I guess they made a deal to split the money, but Nick changed his mind because he is awful. . . like everyone on this show.

So that’s it. It’s over. My herpes has cleared up and I can continue on. I guess I would care more that Nick screwed over Rachel if I actually had the capacity to care. But I don’t. I’ll let Jaclyn feel shock for me.


  1. Damn! How did I miss seeing this fine show for at least a couple minutes. I love reality shows where I’d never guess the contestants are reading their scripts from cue cards.

  2. Honestly, how could that girl trust a guy with a face like Nick’s? He looks like someone who wears Eau de Douchebag. Of course, that peroxide could have gone straight through to her brain.

    1. It is time to renew your vows Emily. Renew them now with a bedazzled g-string on your head and silver records hanging from your ears. You owe it to yourself.

  3. I can’t believe you tracked down that old scary guy from Poltergeist II. In fact, he should be the next bachelor. “God is in his…holy temple…” Now I’m all creeped out.

  4. Damn, even though I hate these people and would never watch this show, I kind of feel badly for that chick. She went on a herpes infested show to sell out her dignity and got nothing in return. MESSED UP!

  5. This was awesome! Now I get timely and up to date information on television shows I would never watch, knowing full well that your blog post is far more erudite and entertaining!

  6. Have you counted your brain cells lately? Any left?

    You have done a service to the rest of us so that we don’t have to watch. Thanks, Speaker7. You can have some of my brain cells. Not that I have all that many ….

      1. Consider this comment to be a bloggy brain cell transfusion. You can have 10 of mine. Hope that helps. I can also offer you a kidney.

  7. I’m still working my way through the episode where the three final couples have to perform Sister Christian. It’s causing me such agony I can only watch a couple minutes of it at a time. I used to have such a crush on Jack Blades. Rock stars should be required to overdose before getting old.

  8. I don’t know how I made it this long without knowing how it all would end. And three minutes after reading this, I’ve already forgotten what happened.

    Why have I not noticed until now that Jaclyn looks just like a human version of Janice aka Hot Lips from The Muppet Show?

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