plot twists

Fifty Shades Neverending (Fifty Shades Freed: pgs. 451-500)

Once upon a time, there was a little Speaker7 who desperately wished she never heard of Fifty Shats of Grey. But heard she did, and now as she clings to her last functioning bit of brain and the anti-freeze digesting in her stomach, she dreams of a mostly bleak future when Fifty Shats Freely will be finished.

Two more recraps after this one. Two more, her inner hellbeast thinks while its razor-sharp teeth cuts through the cardboard cut-out meant to represent Ana Steele Grey’s inner goddess. (For more brain-damaging fun, click here)

Now we’ve just experienced a litany of plot twists that makes me surmise E.L. James had no idea what to write between the clinking of genitals. I had you vote on what you thought would happen next, and the majority voted for Speaker7 drinks a fourth glass of wine. I wish, gentle reader, I wish. But alas that was not the correct response.

You must be wondering which one was correct. Or like me, don’t give a shitball of shit. Well I won’t leave you guessing too long. There is a Pad of Bachelors I need to recrap after all.

So there’s a kidnapping and Ana is trying to get $5 million dollars rounded up. Should I just stop here and say this is the worst plot twist ever? Or is that shooting myself in the foot because in the next 50 pages, Ana will be flying to Tibet to rescue the Golden Child from evil sorcerers?

Ana’s at the bank. She has Leila’s gun tucked in the waistband of her jeans. I will laugh so hard if she gets arrested.

The bank teller gives her an “insincere smile” which earns her the clever moniker “Miss Insincere Smile.” Hate. I’m feeling such hate at this moment. Miss Insincere Smile arches an even more insincere eyebrow, and what the fuck is that? What is that? How is that done? Miss Insincere Facial Features asks sarcastically “You have an account with us?”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

This does not happen. Maybe in the cafeteria of some 1980’s teen movie where the nerd can’t sit at the cool table, but then gets a new haircut and a pleather jacket and suddenly has an all access pass to Popularityville.

Ana’s vagina answers “This is the human encasement for the mighty Grey schlong.” Miss Insincere Gimmick gets all flustery and pees a little, and rolls out a tiny red carpet just big enough for a ruby-encrusted vaginal ball.

Ana gets passed along to the manager and there’s back-and-forth over this withdrawal being highly irregular, and I’m sorry the time this takes? Yeah Mia is dead. You had two hours, Ana, not two years. I guess the manager calls Christian when he leaves for the 18th time and Christian thinks Ana is leaving him and wants his money. He hisses at her to “take it all,” which must be hard because there are no sibilants in that sentence.

Nine more years pass, and Ana finally gets the money, but sees her security detail in the lobby. She is able to evade them by holding up a finger and mouthing “wait.” Seriously? She calls Jack Hyde and he says he has a car waiting for her. She goes out the back and it’s. . .

Da-da-dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!

Elizabeth.

Wait, who? I don’t know who this is. It’s Elizabeth from the office, Ana thinks. Still not helping, and I refuse to go back through any of the books to find a reference to her so let’s just gasp and say “Holy craptwats³!”

Elizabeth asks for Ana’s cell phone and throws it into the garbage. Who is this woman Ana thinks. Okay, so you don’t know either. That makes me feel better.

Oh wait, Ana does know her, but doesn’t understand why she’s helping the Scooby Doo villain.

Does Jack have some hold on you, Ana asks. Elizabeth slams the brakes and Ana goes crashing into the headrest. I’m starting to like Elizabeth.

They drive to an abandoned building. Jack is there wearing a suit, and “oozing arrogance and hatred.”

He beats Ana up. She hits her head on the concrete. Ana pulls her gun out and shoots Jack in the thigh and passes out to the sounds of car tires screeching and Christian’s voice. She eventually will be in and out of consciousness. *DingDingDing* This is the correct answer in the plot twist poll. Congratulations eight voters!

The hospital sequence is one million pages. Or it feels that way. She comes in and out of consciousness, catching snippets of conversation. Most of it is about how remarkable Ana is #bullshittheories.

We get to hear her stepdad Ray saying “If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”

Wha? Sure Ray is a piece of plastic wrap, but he was a little normal. Now he’s like Christian?

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Finally Ana comes to because of her need to pee. There’s a whole thing about Ana being grossed out by her catheter. For fuck’s sake. Then she doesn’t want to pee in front of Christian, and the nurse argues with Christian, and Christian eventually picks Ana up and plops her on the toilet. She can’t pee with him standing there. Well Christian isn’t leaving….and this goes on forever. And I just don’t relate. If I have to pee to the point of bladder burstment, I’m peeing. I don’t care who’s there. In fact I’m peeing in my pants right now.

There’s some blathering about “I love you” “No, I love you” and the ordering of chicken soup. It feels as boring as an actual hospital visit except you don’t get to distract yourself by occasionally glancing up at the Wheel of Fortune episode playing on the TV.

Christian enjoys watching Ana chow down so much, he begins masturbating. He relates how he knew something was afoot when Taylor called and said Jack made bail. Please continue to forget that Jack was remanded with no bail.

“I don’t know how Sawyer found me,” Ana dumbs. Um. . . because everybody knew you were at the bank?

Ana wants to know why Christian went to see Elena.

Christian crawls into her hospital bed (!) and promises to talk about it tomorrow. The nurse comes in and frowns to see Christian in the bed. Ana says “Don’t be a stinker, be a thinker.” (not really, but it’s believable, yes?) Christian mumbles in his sleep “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.” There are so many levels of shits I don’t give at this point.

Ana wakes up, and Christian is gone. Her father-in-law peeks in, and they have this charming exchange, and by charming I mean I want to scrape my knuckles against a cheese grater a bizallion times.

“‘He’s a little mad at you, as he should be,’ Carrick smirks. Ah, this is where Christian gets it from.

‘Christian is always mad at me.’

‘Is he?’ Carrick smiles, pleased–as if this is a good thing. His smile is infectious.”

FUCK THIS BOOK.

Dear Every Character in this Book,

Please succumb to some flesh-eating virus.

Love,

Speaker7

Christian brings Ana breakfast and his peen hardens when she wolfs it down. Why so hungry little bird? Because I’m preggers you big dope. Ooh, the non-elephant in the room. They whisper and hoarse-talk–which is different then horse talk because there’s less neigh–about being frightened about becoming parents. You know who should really be frightened? Your child.

Christian wonders if butt plugs can substitute for pacifiers, and Ana says the child will love Christian unconditionally–unless Christian acts like he has this entire series.

Ana is given the all clear to leave the hospital, and Christian actually checks on the sexing status with the doc. Awesome.

At home, the enormity of the stupid plot twists finally hits Ana and she “keens quietly” again. That is amazing.

Christian picks her up like a child (actual description) and they take a shower together–let us all pray to whatever sky deity we pray to and hope that E.L. James no longer means the child analogy because holy fuck gross shitballs butt plug. Christian unveils why Elizabeth helped Jack. They had a sex tape together. He taped all his sexual acts. I don’t get this because usually that kind of thing lands you a reality television show in this country.

Christian also leans the connection between him and Jack. They were at the same foster home. Um…okay. Did he do this because the Greys adopted you and not him, Ana wonders. Sure, why not?

Ana thinks Christian should talk to his parents so he invites them over and it turns into a big party. Before I leave you, I want to illustrate how remarkable Ana is with this passage:

“(Mia) looks fine. Impeccably dressed in tight black jeans and a pale prink frilly blouse. I’m glad I’m wearing my comfortable wrap dress and flats. At least I look reasonably presentable”

Yeah, she’s remarkably awful.