FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.

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12 comments

  1. if you continue to be so mean to poor Kim, you will break her heart worse than her failed marriage, which she worked so hard on, and just couldn’t make it work. You probably ruined her next wedding, which I am thinking is about 54 days away.

  2. Re all the K’s: I will only read about what you write. More than that activates my IBS. But I did click the link you have and 2 of the K’s said: “I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.” She didn’t know how to? Does that mean she really wanted to end it after 44 days? Or 25? Or 11? Or by 8PM after the ceremony? Now I feel really bad for her that she had to tough it out.

  3. Oh, thank God. Relief at last. I feel like my brain just now collapsed in on itself, creating a massive cerebral hemmorhage that feels suprisingly relaxing in a total numbness sort of way.

    I so appreciate the kind shout-out. Beyond cool. Although, perhaps I should go tidy up a bit on my blog now in case I should have some unexpected company. You know, scrape the film off the kitchen sink, throw some cranberry scones in the oven and so forth.

    1. I’m so glad….not about the cerebral hemmorhage, that makes me worried, but I’m glad you felt I answered your questions adequately. The interview with Kris Jenner could happen any moment….I cannot wait!!! I might have to call in sick because I will be so overcome with emotion or maybe vomit, I’m not sure which.

      1. Please report back on what you learned from Kris. And soon. Please don’t make us watch it ourselves — we need you to help us make sense of the madness.

        P.S. Totally agree with the “kindred spirits” thing. I propose we meet up on a pilgrimage to visit the home of Da Doo Ron Ron. Together we can clip off a lock of his hair when he goes out to get the mail.

  4. Peanut butter? Seriously? Have you never tried almond butter? It’s 100% more delicious. I have to admit that I am kind of obsessed with KK, after years of hating and mocking her. Well, it couldn’t have been that long, she hasn’t been around for years, has she? Anyway. I covet her shoe and makeup collections and her shiny hair. I don’t pretend anything deeper than that. But I’m also not going to hate anymore because I know I’m just jealous. I want to make millions for not really doing anything! And date Reggie Bush? yes, please. But I’d pass on the tall douchey guy. I hope I spelled that right.

    1. Almond butter sounds like sage advice…as well as passing on a tall douchey guy.
      I never really paid much attention to Kimberly Kardashimonster, but I probably know more about her life than Thomas Jefferson’s, which is as it should be because I believe either Tom or Kim or Bruce Jenner said “I’m, like, so for, like people knowing stuff. It, like, keeps, like democracy alive.”

  5. Oh my God – “…Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box.”

    Please post the channel air date/time for your reality show. I don’t watch that much TV, but I wouldn’t EVER miss your show.

      1. Btw, I really tried to watch the Kris Jenner interview. I really, really tried. I got to the point where Ann Curry mentioned Kris also happened to have a new book out (wow, what a coincidence, right?) and then I noticed a dust bunny under my radiator and watched that instead.

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