I Like the Way Your Ass Looks in Those Pants

Pizzadential hopeful Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment.

As someone who has worked in food industry, I find this shocking…wait…oh right, I find this to be status quo of working in food industry. What’s awesome about being female and working in food industry is that you can get sexually harassed by management, other employees and customers. It’s a win-win-win.

I remember when I worked in a coffee house and I would ask customers if they would like room for cream in their coffee, i.e. not fill it to the point where it’s sloshing over the sides, and some men would inevitably say “Are you the cream?”

No. No, I’m not. You realize that pick-up line is completely nonsensical? It would be better to say “I produce my own cream.” Wait, why am I helping you sexually harass me?

But what the &@*(!& is sexual harassment? Ann Curry wants to know on today Today show. “It’s very difficult to get your hands on it,” she says. I’d like to get my hands on it.

I’m kidding. See my ring? I’m married. I’m just joking around. Jesus, lighten up.

She’s invited some hot pieces of ass to help her sort this issue out. I’d like to sort it out all night long. I can, you know, go all night long. *Speaker7 gestures emphatically toward her package*

Starr Jones says it’s when people do things that are really, really lame.

So it’s really about how the woman responds, Ann queries. Of course women who accuse men of sexual harassment are likely liberal activists or “official hyperventilators of the first order,” according to Republican Rep. Steve King.

He likely has been turned down for sex too many time to mention. Poor Steve and his really, really small penis.

Cain settled for $35,000 with one of his accusers. “That’s a smoking gun, right,” asks Ann.

I’ve got a smoking “gun” for you.

No, that’s a really small settlement, says Starr Jones. Almost as small as Steve King’s penis. Tiny, tiny, tiny.

We haven’t heard yet from Steve Abdubato who wrote a book called You are the Brand and uses the word “brand” as every other word. He seems like an official hyperventilator of the first order when he screams: “Herman Cain’s only brand is that he’s an outsider. I wrote a book about brands. The problem with Herman Cain from a communications and PR branding point of view is that his policy ideas are ridiculous.” He might not have said those last five words. That doesn’t make those last five words less true.

Does Herman Cain’s wife have to get out there and say my husband is not likely the giant slime douchebag he is, Ann asks.

Please don’t, whoever Herman Cain’s wife happens to be.

Steve has a better idea. “Man up. Brand. Brand. I wrote a book about that. Admit that you screwed up. I wasn’t as honest as I brand brand You are the Brand, available on Amazon.”

And that was it.

Poor Steve King and his Ken-doll-like genitalia.

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12 comments

  1. I love your blog. Admittedly I have no clue (most of the time) who the people are that you are talking about but I sincerely appreciate the sentiment. I think the UK equivalent is probably ‘the one show’, I cant be sure because I tend to end up comatose after the host starts talking. I look forward to your next post.

  2. That sh*t’s funny! I missed the Brand Man. Damn. When I was in LA in a line at the bank, an older gay male undressed me with his eyes. No, I mean really. Now I know how it feels.
    Not good.
    Les
    Go Herman! Let’s get him a codpiece.

    1. I had a manager (hey at the same coffeehouse, go figure!) who would like to make slow circles on my back with his finger not seeming to notice that my body wen into full seizure mode and my shoulders shot up past my head.
      He was also 30 years older than me, married, a heavy smoker and about 50 pounds overweight. The total package.

  3. I’ve been a barmaid, a hardware store clerk and an Alaskan totem pole salesperson. So, as you’d guess, sexual harassment comes with the territory on those. But I think I was the most sexually harassed while working at a department store in the linens section. Lots of talking about beds and sheets with older, single men.

    Great post! I totally laughed my ass off at the smoking “gun” comment. Doesn’t it seem mildly harassing to talk about my ass here? Does it seem weird that harass actually contains the word “ass”?

    1. I feel a bit harassed by the word ass appearing in harass and then I keep feeling more harassed the more I write harass. It’s a never-ending cycle of harassment.

  4. I was a supplier for a grocery store chain in the Bootheel of Missouri that bought jackets for their girls to wear in the deli that said in big letters on the back, “Best Buns in Town” I definitely felt that was rude crude and socially unacceptable.

  5. What’s so sad is that half the guys who do this kind of thing would have to idea what to do with a woman if she came over and squatted in their face. Google Steve Raucci, the sociopath who ran the Maintenacne Dept for the County of Schenectady and terrorized people for decades. He terrorized both men and women. he was an equal opportunity employer. But you’ll gag about the women. Then write a post. Because you are good. Really, really good.

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