bruce jenner

Tag! You’re it! No I’m It! No you! Aww..I ain’t gonna play anymore.

Janie Has a Blog tagged me a few days ago. She hopes to find out information about me much in the same way biologist tag animals to discover such things as their migratory habits or favorite Real Housewife.

Since I’ve mainly been writing about turds, I thought this would make a nice diversion from my weekly routine, and will do everything in my power to make my answers turd-free (fyi–i am very weak and have very ineffectual power).

This game has rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Here are the questions Janie asked:

1.) What is your biggest regret in life? Watching the movie Glitter

2.) What makes you angry? Thinking about the regret I feel from watching the movie Glitter.

3.) Are you capable of forgiving and forgetting? I forgot this question and I forgive myself for forgetting. 

4.) What do you consider the biggest fight you’ve ever had in your life? I had just moved from New Jersey to California because my mom got a new job. For some reason this group of guys begin targeting and bullying me. At the school dance, I decided to exact revenge. One of the guys was rolling a joint in the bathroom stall, and I surreptitiously snaked a hose over the top and let the water pour in. The gang caught up with me and almost gave me the beating of my life until they were stopped by the maintenance guy at my apartment complex who turned out to be a martial arts expert. Now that I think about, this is actually a scene from The Karate Kid.

5.) What is the ugliest part of your personality? I say outright lies to sway people to think a certain way…oh, wait I just turned into a politician for a second, sorry about that. My ugliest part of my personality is my giant butt. 

6.) Do you choose to see the best or the worst in people? Why? I’m incapable of seeing anything but turds. 

7.) Do you think other life forms exist in the universe? Yes..proof

8.) If God were to grant you a wish, what would it be? More ketchup

9.) What would you do if a stranger threw a spoon at you? (This happened to me!) Likely nothing at the moment, but I would give that stranger the Turd of the Week™ award.

10.) You are sky diving and you realize that you can’t open your parachute so, in a few moments you are about to die. What do you think would be your last thoughts? I wish I could post this on Facebook. 

11.) What will you do tomorrow? Throw a spoon at a stranger.

Here are the questions for the people I’m tagging

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

4.) How doomed are we?

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

7.) Which religion is correct?

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

10.) What’s up?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Here are the people I’m tagging:

Angie from Childhood Relived

Les from Best Bathroom Books

Life in the Boomer Lane

Becoming Cliche

Man of Errors

Nancy from Not Quite Old

Chris Sheridan of Word Play

Logyexpress

Elyse of Fifty Four and a Half

Lyssapants of Psychobabble

Gilly and Patrick of It Happens Every Day

FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.