Fifty Shades of Trailer Trash

Hold onto your butt plugs, everybody!!

Or insert them. Should we insert them? I think so. I think that’s appropriate.

Tomorrow is the day we get to see the downfall of inspiration and creativity  Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer!!

This is apparently a big deal, so much so that Beyonce released a trailer for the trailer a few days ago.

My husband showed it to me yesterday because he clearly hates me.

I think I might be suffering from PTSD from my time reading and recrapping the trilogy. That could explain why I tried to remove my eyeballs with a melon baller upon viewing the teaser trailer and I don’t even own a melon baller. I was really using a shoehorn.

The teaser trailer is. . . what is the word I’m looking for. . . oh yes, a giant stinking turdpile (I realize that is more than one word).

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s clear the movie will be as if Show Girls and Battlefield Earth mated and had a love child that was raised by one of those stupid water-fearing aliens from Signs and then went on to be a pink lady in Grease 2. What I’m attempting to say is that this movie will suck with the force of a 1,000 master series intake anal suction cups.

Don’t just take my word for it. I showed the teaser trailer to my two leads.

Maybe.

The trailer is premiering on the Today show and the anchors will be dressing up as characters. Matt Lauer will portray a butt plug, which means he will basically be himself. They then will continue on with the other real news of the day, mainly on expose on which Buzzfeed quiz are you most like.

News.

Hugo insisted we make our own trailer after I jokingly said I could make a better one if I inserted an iTouch up my bunghole.

Those things are painful.

 

(Un)Musical Chairs

Ann Curry is currying no favor at the Today show. The NBC folks are like “Yeah, let’s order from the Indian restaurant, but for god sakes no curry because it sucks and everyone hates it. Go heavy on the lauer. Yes, I know that’s not a spice. It’s the blandest thing in the universe and I want more of it.”

Oh my god, guys, did you see what I just did there?

I don’t. So if you did, please let me know.

Ann Curry might be curried out of the co-anchor chair any second now. I mean, carried out. Ratings have dropped because Ann Curry does not show the proper level of excitement when learning what’s hot at the beach disco. (Answer: parchment paper medallions)

I’ll admit it. I’m also one of those non watchers.

You’re shocked, yes? One of my categories is the mfing Today show, but I haven’t watched it in months–not because of Ann Curry.

I haven’t watched because…pfffttt.

Or–my son has turned into a little Tasmanian Devil making it difficult to enjoy a “news” segment on serving the perfect watermelon slice because my son is trying to emulate Elmo’s World by yanking the window shade around (P.S. – Screw you, Mr. Noodle and the noodle you rode in on).

Ann Curry is NBC’s $10 Million Mistake blasts TMZ. TMZ follows up with a hard-hitting expose on whether Kris Jenner gave her daughter Kim Kardashian sex tape tips, and my reading that is my $10 mistake.

Ann worries: “Am I not good enough? Am I not what people need? Am I asking the right questions?’ When people say negative things or speculate, you can’t help but feel hurt.”

Ann, I’m sorry, but when you interviewed that dog who barked “I rove you” all Scooby Doo-like, you should have asked “Wait…am I fucking interviewing a dog right now?!?”

So who should take her place?

Many people with an enormous amount of time on their hands say it should be one of those two female anchors who look identical.

Savannah Guthrie

Or Natale Morales

Whoever it is needs to do a much better job transitioning between the fluffier news stories, e.g., the best bronzers for babies, and the hard-hitting stuff, e.g. trying to fry an egg on the sidewalk to show how hot it actually is.

Ann Curry looks too dead-eyed when she does this as if she’s thinking Holy barking dog! I used to cover wars for cripes sake. Okay plaster on the smile as I say this: “Next up on Today, is your grilled cheese sandwich too cheesy or too grilly?” 

Before we all lose our minds in our frenzied speculating, I offer a few more choices for consideration:

1. Staring Dog

This dog was featured on the Today show because he looks at people with an intense gaze and then drops that gaze only to lick his balls. I think this dog would send Matt Lauer over the edge.

2. Speaker7

This is the obvious choice. I know about stuff like the War of 1812 and Kris Jenner’s sex tape tips. This makes me a erudite or eruidope anchor.

3. Walter Conkrite

Wait a second…Mr. Speaker7 just informed me that Walter Conkrite is dead. So who is this? Holy disguise! It’s Hugo, the man of a thousand faces! Well played, Hugo, you creepy, creepy weirdo puppet, you. He would be fantastic. I’m saying this because he has threatened to visit me in my dreams otherwise.

So who do you think should be the next anchor? Remember the state of your watermelon slices depends on it.

Hey Everybody! I’m on Twitter!

Everybody stop tweeting, status-updating and instagramming right now.

I have an important announcement.

Matt Lauer, Today show anchor and sand-dune skier, is on Twitter.

This is big news…almost as big as that video of a hockey mom scolding a referee. Did you see that? Yeah, I didn’t either, but I understand that it is news because it was on the Today show.

I have avoided Twitter much of my adult life. I’ve missed out when Ashton Kutcher tweeted “Cock rhymes with sock” and when Kim Kardashian tweeted “Butt” and when Justin Bieber tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years” and when a cat tweeted “j;aft;aug”. And I’ll admit, my life has not been as fulfilling as the guy who lets the world know he just pooped out a ham sandwich without the mayo. #greatpoopstories

Justin Bieber, the performer who tweeted “I will be irrelevant in five years”, helped Matt write his first tweet.

Matt asked for Justin’s help because “I want to find out the power of Bieber,” and then wished it wasn’t live television so he could have said something less creepy.

This is what Matt wanted: “Hanging with Justin at the Today show, Concert coming up. Tweet the name of the first song you’re going to do.” And Justin tweeted “Buy Justin’s new record.”

History has been made.

If Matt gets 750,000 followers by Tuesday, one of his underlings will streak or fight a lion in the Roman Colosseum.

Now I’m all about naked lion-fighting, but I’m more about reading Matt’s mindless ramblings so I have also joined Twitter–something I vowed never to do out of principle that I waste enough of my life as it is.

My first tweet was also about buying Jason Bliber’s new album. No, wait it was this:

I then engaged in my usual daily routine, but then I found I could make it more meaningful by letting the world know about it.

Example:

That felt better. Well, after I puked up the sandwich I felt better. #bestvomitinducers

I then struggled with one of my usual dilemmas that normally would go unnoticed. But now through the miracle of 140 characters, I could let the whole world in my little world, kind of like how the sun enters the moon when it becomes night. #topscientifictheories

World peace realized.

Of course, I have no followers so I did all this decision-making and world-peace-realizing by my lonesome. But maybe you guys can follow me, and if I get 12 followers by Tuesday, some lucky follower will be sent a free cat.

How do you follow me on Twitter?

I have no idea.

I think this is my address?

Help me Matt Lauer.

This Post is Brought to You By Metamucil

There are heroes out there people.

We might disagree over what makes someone a hero. I personally think it’s butt-accentuating tights. You might think a hero is someone who has the ability to blog about heroes wearing butt-accentuating tights while simultaneously watching The Voice without pouring cement in one’s ears.

You might be onto something, although I’m not sure because someone is shrieking into a microphone and it’s hard to concentrate. That is some voice.

But I think we can all agree that the act of heroism is elevated by the right product placement.

Take our latest hero who went against the grain by not donning a cape. Instead he used a handful of “cheese”-flavored Pringles to fight crime. He is Snackman.

I learned about him from the Today show where Matt Lauer is paid tens of millions of dollars to explain it all. It wasn’t Matt doing the story, but rather one of the female anchors who kept trying to get Snackman to “pop off” his shirt. She would make a great Awkwardwoman because this exchange could not be more awkward.

Snackman diffused a fight on a New York City subway by getting between the kicking legs of a man and woman, all the while never breaking his stride of munching on his stack of Pringles. Did the dried potato flakes have something to do with Snackman’s heroism? Or maybe it was the Pringle man’s pristine mustache? Or the buckets and buckets of salt? Who knows?

In fact, according to Awkwardwoman, Snackman has approached Pringles about possibly getting some kind of endorsement deal. “Next time we’ll get you to pop that top!” she cackles and cackles.

Please, please stop.

He left with a gift basket of Pringles, and he carried it very heroically.

Wouldn’t it be great if other heroes did the same?  Not carry Pringles baskets, but sought out advertisers. Like, maybe it would make history less dullsville and more wowsville.

Take Paul Revere. Booorrrrriiinnnnnggg. He rode a horse and bellowed about the British coming, which–granted–was important information. But what if he also could have let the general non-Loyalist public know about some outstanding solutions to their dilemma of what to serve for dinner?

Just think if he had to deliver those pizzas in a 30-minute window? Pretty freakin’ heroic.

Or George Washington. He had shitty teeth. I could forgive that if he crossed the Delaware with his fingertips caked in Cheetos’ dust.

Or Harriet Tubman. She was pretty bad ass, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if she shared some tips on how she evaded slavecatchers?

Or take Lincoln. What the frick does that Gettysburg Address even mean, yo? I don’t care, because now he looks like a dude who could just hang and play hackysack.

See, don’t they seem so much more hero-y?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I see things different because I’ve added fiber to my diet and now I can shit with the best of them.

I’m Speaker7, and I fight crime with Metamucil.

Multiple Onions of the News

Lots of news today, people. Lots of news. I don’t even know how to describe it. Today’s news was so exciting it was as if the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic or George Washington crossed the Delaware right up onto the beaches of Normandy or Snooki crashed into the Hindenburg right after giving birth to Charlie Sheen’s baby whom they named Washington Titanic.

Who can describe it? Who can take our hands and lead us from the darkness into the light? Who can segue quickly from a segment on Rick Santorum to a segment on the best bidets?

The Today show of course.

Okay first big story: The never-ending  war in Afghanistan. Sorry, I misheard that. I was crunching loudly on my morning bag of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Ass Explosion®.

Let’s try this again. Octomom, the woman/octopus hybrid, is on public assistance. Matt Lauer is interviewing her and is wearing glasses so we know this is serious bizness.

“Good to have you with us,” he says.

“Hi. Thank you to have me,” she answers.

Uh-oh. I was thinking the fluttering of eyelashes and the making of faces during the 10-15 promos of Octomom was just Octomom being playful, but now I’m thinking she’s on something or about to envelope Matt in a thick cloud of black ink.

“A lot of people are angry about this decision to go on assistance,” Matt says.

Who are these people? Because they sound great.

“I’m sad. I’m just a horribly sad, horribly disfigured person, and you–meaning the media–love it. It gives you the chance to publicly shame somehow who so obviously needs mental health assistance.  Instead of giving me the help I need by ignoring me,  you parade me around like we’re at the Victorian freak show,” Octomom answers. “Oh and I took this picture for a magazine because I love my children.”

“Please chronicle the daily humiliations that encompass your life so I can masturbate and people at home can feel superior even while eating pink slime and arsenic-ladened chicken,” Matt says.

“It would take 14 books–do you hear that publishers–14 books to go through all the multiple onions of my life,” she says.

Well said.

The news just keeps getting newsier with the next piece on a turnip who wrote on article entitled “There are Downsides to being this Pretty” or “See, I can ignite a media firestorm. Book deal, please.”

The article includes many pictures. Like this one:

I’d tap that root (Do you see what I did there? The turnip forms from a tap root. There are downsides to being this clever).

Everyone is pissed and, the staff of the Today show was even talking about it, gurgles Ann Curry who adds “I’m so way prettier than her.”

Some people are like: ugly, ugly, ugly, boo. Some people are like: you go turnip, yay!

“I’ve gotten thousands of vile messages on Twitter,” the turnip states. She does not say how many books that translates into.

I guess there are not as many multiple turnips to her life.

Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.

The Greatest Turd of All

The night Whitney Houston died, I remember clearly thinking:

I wonder what Bill O’Reilly thinks about this?

Lucky for me–and the world–he shared his views on his show and in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends. Bill harped on how the media exploited Whitney’s troubles when she was alive. He said this on his show and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

“The media exploited her,” O’Reilly thundered. On his show, and then in his column and later again on the Today show and then again on Fox & Friends.

Bill O’Reilly has a new book coming out, Killing Kennedy. But before we get to learning about that literary masterpiece, Matt Lauer wants to talk about what Bill O’Reilly said on his show, which Bill then reiterated in his column (If you want to know what Matt and Bill talked about, you can watch O’Reilly rehash it on Fox & Friends)

“You said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes from Bill’s no-spin mouth.

“Yup,” Bill says, lathering a falafel.

“Then you said blah blah blah,” Matt quotes. “And people are all like ‘you dick.'”

“People have not been paying attention to me,” Bill says. “That’s why I yelled on my show. And now you’re interviewing me. And my comments are the subject of 870 news articles. And I’m headed to Fox & Friends next to bleat and moo some more until my vocal chords shred into pieces of confetti. I prayed for Whitney Houston.”

“Okay, but I’m going to get all up in arms over this in way that I never do about news stories that actually matter,” Matt says.

“Bring it Lauer,” Bill says and then sexually harasses an intern.

“You said that Whitney wanted to kill herself and that all people who take hard drugs are the same,” Matt paraphrases for Speaker7 because do you really expect her to listen to Matt over and over again to get the quote 100 percent accurate. “Addiction is a disease. And if you’re suffering from a disease, then you cannot make that choice.”

“Wrong,” O’Reilly says. “There are real diseases like elephantitis of the penis, which I suffer from greatly, ladies. If any ladies want to know how greatly, I will show them in the shower right after I rub them down with a falafel. Free will, Lauer. We, the media, look the other way–when instead we should be as judgmental as possible.”

“Should journalists be in the position of conducting interventions?” Matt asks, and that’s a good question. I’m kind of stunned. Matt Lauer asked a good question.

“They should be in the business of telling the truth,” O’Reilly responds. “Unless they are writing a book like Killing Lincoln. Then it’s okay to insert lots of factual errors, so many so, that the Ford Theater refuses to carry your book.”

Bill insists he was the only person to tell Whitney to knock it off. Why she didn’t listen to him will always haunt him.

“So tell us about your upcoming book,” Matt queries

“It will be horrible, but it will make me a lot of money,” O’Reilly turds. He turds this because he is the Turd of the Week™.

I prayed for this turd on my head.

Road Trip

Dear Gentle Readers,

I have taken a break from Matt Lauer, the Today show and turds to take a trip down memory lane. Angie Z of the always sensational Childhood Relived, invited me to her blog for some needed respite from the stresses of the present such as watching Newt Gingrich pretend indignation. If you have not guessed from the title of her blog, Angie writes about her childhood so I thought it appropriate to share a tale from my own–and as to be suspected, it involves turds or more specifically a giant turd named “Brenda” who made my life miserable at day camp. Read more here. And then check out some of Angie’s posts. You will not be disappointed.

I shall be back in a few days refreshed and revived, and ready to write about reality television, celebrity divorces or whatever other turdish items get passed off as “news” on Today.

Wish you were here,

Speaker7

Turd of the Week™

We are unveiling a new weekly segment here at speaker7.wordpress.com. I say “we” so if it fails miserably, I can blame it on one of my many interns and underlings who work for me–mainly my nearly 2-year-old son.

But how can it fail? It’s about everyone’s favorite topic–turds. Turds are essential for a living organism to function and for blog writing. When I wrote my first turd-related post about the turdish nature of Dr. Phil, my number of subscribers shot through the roof (source: Speaker7’s imagination). Little known fact: Sculptor Gutson Borglum used Dr. Phil’s head as a model when carving the faces of the United States’ presidents into Mount Rushmore because Dr. Phil’s head is close to the actual size of the sculpture give or take a few yards.

I will now take a few questions.

Speaker7, how can you possibly settle on only one turd a week when there are an abundance of turds featured daily on the Today show?

That’s a great question.

What do you mean by the word “turd”?

When someone is labeled a turd, it means he or she represents a piece of fecal matter.

Couldn’t that be construed as positive considering we need to evacuate our bowels to survive?

No.

When will this segment begin?

Right now. In fact I even have a logo:

I can’t say this was easy. There was a lot of turdish behavior committed by complete turds this week.  Marky Mark said that turdish thing about how he would have stopped the 9/11 terrorists if he had been on the plane. Newt Gingrich likely said something horrible about poor people or will during the presidential debate tonight in South Carolina. But the turd who stuck out the most, in my opinion, is U.S. Rep. Peter King.

The reason he stuck out the most is that I watched Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show today, and I remembered how much I cannot stand him. He has requested the Defense Department investigate whether the Obama administration leaked classified information about the raid on Osama bin Laden to two producers making a film because nothing else of import is occurring at the moment. He has no proof of this, which is why he asked for an investigation. I have no proof that Peter King eats live babies for breakfast, which is why I’m asking for an investigation.

But what I really enjoy most about King is his spot-on impression of Sen. Joseph McCarthy although Pete isn’t ferreting out communists, just Americans who happen to be Muslim. He plans to hold some more (!) investigations into American Muslims next month. Why? “It’s there and that’s where the threat is coming from at this time.”

Well turded, Pete, well turded.

Happy Anniversary Today Show

In 1952, a network birthed a news show that would summarize the top stories of the day in a manner that would make you feel as if no news was happening at all.

This week, we celebrate by looking back on the top stories the Today show brought into the homes of Americans over the past 60 years.

Black-and-white footage of some old-time anchor straining a donut with a sieve.

News.

It was a simpler time, Matt Lauer narrates. When men were men, children played simply in the streets, and African-Americans enjoyed the simplicity of using facilities designated just for them. Eddie Fisher played on the radio, and gays and lesbians played in the closet. Americans enjoyed their prosperity, and women enjoyed the three to four career paths open to them. And people barbecued simple, American food, and the developmentally disabled chowed down on the bowls of maggot-filled mush all the while chained to the floors in overcrowded mental hospitals.

Ah America….such sweet innocence.

And in that innocence, Today anchors interviewed the newsmakers like Howdy Doody, (today’s Newt Gingrich), and challenged society (can I strain a donut with an old workboot? Ah..a sieve. How genius).

How does one suitably recognize such an achievement? With a Dunkin Donut product placement of course! (source: Martha Stewart Living)

We changed people’s lives when we showed that first segment on how to strain a donut, a Today producer yells during a news meeting. America needs to be reminded of that. We need to be reminded of our roots. That stands as the single biggest news story we’ve ever covered. Show some respect!!

Some harried production assistant places a frantic phone call to a local Dunkin Donuts. Stan picks up the phone and realizes this is the moment he has been waiting for his entire lonely, pain-killer driven life.

This is it, Stan ol’ buddy boy, ol’ pal, don’t screw it up. Maybe I’ll get a spot on Cupcake Wars, Stan thinks as he grabs a grease-caked broom from the back storage closet and breaks off the bristles. Using an exacto knife, he cuts three big circles out of Coolatta boxes and rams the broom handle through all three. He frantically stacks two-day old donuts onto each tier and ends up with this:

A sculpture that makes an Edible Arrangments® fruit basket look like Michelangelo's David.

“We wanted to make sure we created something inspired by the Today show,” says Stan the Man to Matt, Ann, Al and some female anchorbot.

Well done, Stan. I don’t think I could have made anything better.