lost causes

50 Shades of Shame

I just bought a bathing suit.

This might not seem like a big deal, but it is for me. My current suit– the faded, shapeless, stringy, ragged, dust cloth–has seen better days.

My suit. Incidentally the Shamwow™ spokesman has also seen better days.

In fact its best day was in the year 2000, when I first purchased it. Prior to that purchase, I wore my mother’s bathing suit from the 1980s. I’ve always considered myself somewhat a fashion icon.

I was hoping it would see me through another decade, but alas, that is not possible. My toddler son takes a weekly swimming class, and we are one swim class away from him completely dismantling the top of my swim garment. He is very fond of the clutch-grip-at-the-chest-and-the-yanking-down-to-expose-mom swim stroke. So my new suit is one of armor.

It could be. I wouldn’t know because I didn’t try it on and just purchased blindly from a Land’s End catalog. It should be arriving any day now. If it fits, it will be a miracle.

This incredibly fascinating anecdote is to showcase how much I procrastinate. I feel that once I do something, e.g., go through the humiliation of trying on a bathing suit and suppress the thoughts of others who tried it on before me, then that task has been completed for the remainder of my lifetime, and I can move on to the next horrendous venture.

I weeded that dirt patch I call a garden last year…why, for the love of mulch, must I do it again? I gave birth to the one kid…why, for the love of inappropriate conversations with total strangers, must I go through it again?

I have been keeping 50 Shades of Grey at bay for some time now.

It held as much appeal as a Spam® sundae.

This is also 50 shades of f***ed up.

I don’t want to read it. I really don’t.

But then I click on Renee of Life in the Boomer Lane. She has written about the book in a way that makes me want to read the book, which I think is the exact opposite of her intent.

But today I was like “Oh wow!” and my inner goddess did the salsa with the succubus that took over my soul. If you have read the books, this sentence would make sense. I have not read the books so I am very confused by what I just wrote.

Her first 50 Cents of Rap post appeared in March. I thought “Hmm, sounds awful. No way can I put myself through that. It took days to erase Twilight from my sparkly marbled brain.”

Co-workers and friends began reading it. I would overhear snippets of conversation about  it–“anal fisting. tee-hee!”–but I would tune it out for more important endeavors like fastening another bobby pin to my bathing suit strap.

Just recently Renee compared E.L. James’ prose with the Bible using lines like “My subconscious nods sagely.” And I’m like “Oh wow? What the fuck does that even mean?!?” and then my subconscious nodded sagely, and I was like “Okay! Beat me with a string of anal beads or whatever Christian does so erotically in the book. I need to buy this lump of crap!”

And so it happened.

And my 30 minutes is already up. It took me that long to make my delicious Spam® sundae.

FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.