spinal tap

FAQs

This post is for Angie.

We share a love of Shaun Cassidy and Ralph Macchio and a hatred of candy corn and elephant peanuts. While we have never met, I believe we are kindred spirits. If you have not read any of her writings, you must go to her site now.  I’ll wait.

You’re back? Her writing is extremely funny, right? I probably should have had you click after you read my post….

Anyhoboken, it saddened me that my post about fame-demon Kim Kardashian’s marriage divorce left Angie with many questions. If you didn’t click on the link, I will give you a summary of my post. I wrote about how I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I was going to write today’s post on my solution to the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, but I felt this was much more pressing. It’s probably for the best because my husband just informed me that they are not in fact rock bands. (my solution had something to do with a rock off, which is a twist on the dance off: see Michael Jackson’s Beat It. It might possibly still apply)

I will answer the most important question first:

The jelly I put on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich was Welch’s grape jelly. I use that squeezable bottle kind. It’s really quite handy.

I will tackle the second most important question now: What does Matt Lauer think about this? This question has the presupposition that Matt Lauer thinks. For the sake of answering this question speedily, I will overlook that and assume that he does. I didn’t know what Matt Lauer “thought” when I wrote yesterday’s post, but I do now.

Well sorta…

“This has a lot of people shaking their heads,” said Matt Lauer before segueing into a docudrama about Kim’s love affair with butter.

An E! Keebler elf said this: “They’re in the public eye, lots of attention and lots of speculation, and frankly lots of pressure…”

Two of my eyelashes start to rub against each other approximating a tiny violin. It plays Big Bottom by Spinal Tap, which was the song playing when Kim walked down the aisle.

“And that couldn’t have helped. Up next Kim and Khloe Kare Kfor Kittens!”

Tomorrow, Matt Lauer will have the exclusive interview with Kim’s mom Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner’s original face, which she keeps in velvet-lined box. Perhaps I will be able to better answer that question then or maybe I will luck out and the world will end tonight.

Angie wanted to know why Kim was getting a divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I shot over to the TMZ website, and I believe my soul was just sucked out through my eyeballs.

Kim blogged about this. She said she got caught up in the hoopla of trying to stay relevant when she had nothing to offer the world. That might not be an accurate reading of what Kim wrote, but I lost my soul so what can you expect?

You can expect that I will have my own reality television show in about two weeks.

Puppet Show then Spinal Tap

Snooki wrote another book.

It is titled The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects.

That might be wrong.

Anyhoo, the Today show had an exclusive interview with Snookie née Nicole Polizzi about her new book. The female anchorbot then said something like:

“And in our studios, another intriguing woman Bette Midler.”

Yes Bette Midler is following Snooki. Bette Midler, who has been an entertainment fixture for decades. Yes Bette Midler who has an actual discernible talent, multi-talented in fact–she sings, she tells jokes, she acts–she is following a woman who took a dump in a potted plant.

But, wait! Maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe Snookie Monster has something meaningful to say….or expel from her bowels.

Let’s listen.

Magical.

“Whatchyoo been up to?” Matt Lauer inquires.

“Just busy with my book. . . and the downfall of civilization,” she answers.

“How would you say the Italians reacted to you,” Matt Lauer probes.

“They loved us. They would shout whatever the Italian word for ‘gonorrhea queen’ is,” Snooki answers. “I think I just peed on this chair.”

“Your book is called Confessions of a Guidette,” Matt Lauer begins. “When I was a kid, journalists actually interviewed people about newsworthy information or what I meant to say when I was growing up, calling someone a guido was not the nicest thing to say.”

“It’s not really a compliment, it’s a lifestyle” Snooki explains. “In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, you can be a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Or a guidette.”

“Do we ever get to see the real you on this show,” Matt Lauer digs. “I think you even said reality TV is not normal life, it’s the most dysfunctional moments rolled into a ball–in your case a meatball. Do we ever get to see the real Nicole on TV.”

“I am what happens when a consumer capitalist society ships all its jobs oversees and produces nothing. People become product. The concept of ‘Snooki’ is something that sells, it has no grounding in any reality,” Snooki replies.

Or she might have said that Snooki is a party girl.

Matt Lauer asked other questions. Snooki answered them.

“What kind of guy do you like,” Matt says, smoothing down the seventh strand on his head.

“BURRRRPPPPPPP!” Snooki replies.

And next up is Bette Midler.

Hopefully she at least got the larger dressing room.