writer’s block

This is Temporary

Usually when a blogger disappears for an extended period of time, the blogger’s return post is all about “Hey sorry, I haven’t posted in a while, but I had been trapped under a heavy piano.”

So let’s just assume that’s where I’ve been and get to it.

I’ve always said I wanted to write a novel.

I usually say this after binge-watching TV. Then I continue my streak of writing nothing and go to sleep because tomorrow, obviously tomorrow will be the day I start writing. No more procrastination on “Magic Tomorrow Day!”

Magic tomorrow day arrives and passes uneventfully. I learn that Lifetime is making a behind-the-scenes Saved by the Bell movie so it’s not a complete loss. I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so. . . scared.

Did I write anything?

No, but *insert famous Scarlett O’Hara quote*

I will definitely start writing once I lose 10 pounds. Once I remove that extra fat in my head, it will clear up the brain juice, rev up the electrons of smart and words will magically appear in sentences that sound more good.

I failed biology.

There is the laundry. Always the laundry. Where does it all come from? Seriously, I own two pairs of jeans and yet my machine looks like a denim emporium. Could this be the subject of my soon-to-be written novel? The protagonist is a plucky vampire-fighter who falls in love with a zombie preacher, but can’t commit because of the laundry and BRAIINNNNNSSSSS.

Shit, that sucks.

There’s people that write and stuff. I’ve seen it. I’ve even reviewed it. Not to blow my own crumpled party horn, but I review children’s books for a librarararaarain publication. I just reviewed one. It was nearly 300 pages about a sock monkey.

That is not hyperbole.

There were a bunch of sock monkeys actually. They couldn’t really do anything, just had thinking thoughts and that’s the story for nearly 300 pages.

My review was only two words: “shit sandwich.”

But, hey, it’s being published. At least this person committed to writing something–albeit something incomprehensible–and completed the task.

I will write, by gum and never use the words “by gum” again. I swear, by gum.

I keep getting tripped up, that’s the problem. I went away on a “vacation”. A vacation is time to rejuvenate the mind and body, but a “vacation” is when one wishes to be killed by a Chuck E Cheese automaton because how much fucking longer are we going to spend in this skeeball prison? My “vacation” was with my parents and preschool-age son. On my “vacation”, my son told me to “go away” an average of 54 times a nanosecond so if you do the math it’s:  x + go away/chuck e cheese – sanity + endless strip mall = no novel.

Today was the day I was going to start writing. It is July 1st and mercury is in the seventh house of cards or game of thrones, however astronony works. I stared at the computer screen for 15 minutes then watched The Leftovers on HBO on Demand. *spoiler alert: way too much dog-shooting.

I had just about given up when I saw this picture on a friend’s Facebook wall:

this is temporaryI take solace in that sign. Procrastination is temporary. So is writer’s block. So is being trapped under a heavy piano.

While I may not write the greatest sock monkey/zombie erotica tale every told today, I may tomorrow.

Or Thursday. Definitely Thursday.

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Writer’s Block is *insert word*

Writer’s block is soooooooo. . . um. . . green? No, that’s not it. Chalky? Viscous? No.

Let’s go with pfffffttttttttt.

jjkfljl’;jkjl?

So yes, I kind of have it, and it’s been something I’ve been trying to fix by taking a plunger to the head. But I am still clogged up with hair, toothpaste residue and foot odor cream. I have started many, many posts, and yup, they’re as finished as this sen–

Here are the top blog posts that failed to make it. Enjoy.

Lieberty University

Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney gave the commencement address at Liberty University, one of the greatest universities to teach that the Earth is a mere 6,000 years old.

Below is a transcript of his remarks:

To the graduates, the children are our future. Except the gay ones. Your college’s founder Jerry Falwell was a great man. I remember how great he looked when he said that teletubby was gay because it carried a purse. Marriage is a sacred covenant between a male teletubby and a female teletubby. How do you know which is which? Look at the genitals and accessories. Amen.

Continuing Failure

Ah…summer is just around the corner and now I know how I’m going to spend it. The local college just mailed out its continuing education course list. There are people jumping around in potato sacks on the back cover possibly portending a course on Brady Bunch triviaQ: How many times did Alice and Sam do it in the meat locker?

A-ha! I found the course that will help me transition to a new career:

Vintage Costume Jewelry.

Learn about its varied and bloodied history while contemplating the fact that you paid money to do so. Bedazzlers optional.

Donnie Deutsch for President

Donnie Deutsch is a professional ??? and carves out a few precious moments to share his wisdom on the Today show when it needs to fill seven minutes because the woman who has a cat that can beat box has canceled. Today Matt Lauer wants to know his thoughts on the death penalty particularly this situation involving a 9/11 widower who offered to speak out against the death penalty in the trial of Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

Donnie gave this thoughtful response:

“To me, you know, it’s easy to say, look everybody has a right to their opinion, and the death penalty or not the death penalty to me I thought it was an incredible insensitivity to the other families that lost family members that maybe didn’t feel that way. I don’t think it’s the place to grandstand. He is one of this very, very tragic group.”

Well said.

What the @#!@&! is Yahoo! Shine?

Sex survey! This was performed by a magazine in collaboration with Yahoo! Shine, “the leading site for women’s lifestyle content.”

Here are some of the findings:

– 94% of women say they have never heard of Yahoo! Shine.

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!