Human Centipede 2

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!

Judge the pom-poms, not the pounds

I hate Entertainment Tonight.

It’s loud. It’s an assault on all the senses. It has “celebrities” who are unrecognizable.

But I was compelled to watch tonight. Why?

This:

Richard Simmons was weighing in about overweight actresses. I saw a commercial for this segment during the Dr. Oz show. Why was I watching the Dr. Oz show?  Well, when I was flipping through channels, I saw Dr. Oz throwing confetti at a woman holding a posterboard that read “mucous” and thought “This seems science-like.” The commercial for Richard Simmons’ appearance occurred between that and the segment where the woman dipped her hand into two different gallons of mucous. When she pulled her hand out of the thicker beaker of green goo, I began to think “Wait, what the f*** was Richard Simmons wearing?”

So I knew I had to watch it later. I had to slog through a never-before-seen Breaking Dawn exclusive where Taylor Lautner feigned acting in front of a green screen and some other random person said I could share my Twilight contribution to the Twilight time capsule, and I cut a little bit into my arm just so I could feel something.

I had to watch a Kohl’s commercial passed off as a segment on women wearing men’s clothing according to the trend guy(?), and the items of clothing were a sweater dress over tights and knee-high boots.

I had to watch them break down the power of Cher. They interviewed the Moviefone guy. He said. “If you’d like times for Footloose, press 1. Human Centipede 2, press 2.”

I had to listen to some woman screaming about old women dating baby men. Linda Evans from Dallas dated Yanni. She said she got plastic surgery because of it. “I was dating a man 20 years…..er….12 years younger,”  almost slipped, Linda, keep it together, she thinks to herselfand then I had to listen to John Mayer sing and I frantically looked for a silver-plated letter opener to jam into my ear to bring about peace.

But sweet relief…the Richard Simmons’ segment came on….and yes, he is wearing a black tank top covered in pom-poms. And I’m waiting for someone to ask “Okay, so what the f*** is up with the pom-poms?” Instead Richard Simmons is asked about overweight actresses.

“We judge people by the pound,” he says.

And the next logical follow-up question is clearly “Right, but what the f*** are you wearing?”

But it’s not. They talk a bit about actress Melissa McCarthy and Richard–wearing a black tank top covered in pom poms, I mean, it’s nearly impossible to discern the color of the tank top due to the amount of pom poms on it–says he would like to kiss her, and that when you make fun of yourself that’s okay, but when other people make fun of you it’s not.

So I guess the pom-pom covered tank top is a challenge? I don’t know.

All I know is after watching nearly 23 minutes of Entertainment Tonight, I would welcome sticking my head into a vat of mucous.