al roker

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!

Why in the World

It was tough this weekend, wasn’t it?

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. . .

Planning and dreaming each night of his charms. . .

I’m speaking obviously of Matt Lauer and the return of Who Gives a Giant F*** Where Matt Lauer is. . .Seriously, Man. It’s a f****** Recession. I Can’t Pay My Mortgage and You Expect Me To Play Along with Some Dumb Game That Just Shows the Obscene Amount of Money Television Has to Waste? on the Today Show.

On Friday, Matt left viewers with a cryptic clue to figure out where he would turn up on Monday. I spent all weekend mulling it over, which proved difficult because I had not actually seen that segment. I assumed the riddle was this: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

All week we’ll get to follow clues and try to guess what place Matt Lauer deems worthy enough to bark orders at production assistants to bring him steamy hot caffé macchiatos.

Oh I’m sorry… my husband just informed me that the actual title is Where in the World is Matt Lauer. There’s even a jingle!

Where in the world
Where in the world
is Matt Lauer

Show me a sign
Give me a clue
Tell me a hint
and show me something new

It’s a global mystery
You’ve got to watch and see

Where in the world
Where in the world is Matt Lauer

Who in the world
would watch a tool
like Matt Lauer

on the TV
Skiing on sand
Thought life had meaning
We’re all damned

It’s an anniversary
one I wish I didn’t see.

Can you explain
Can you explain
a Matt Lauer.

Apparently three other people–Ann Curry, Al Roker and Natalie Something–care where Matt Lauer is. They, like me, questioned all weekend. They also get paid millions. That is not like me.

So where the f*** is he? The clue was this: Conjures up thoughts of a child’s worst fright, but there’s no people to scare in this skier’s delight.

Okay…child’s worst fright? Vampires, clowns, serial killers, Penn State football coaches (too soon?). Skier’s delight. . . hmm . . that means snow, which means cocaine. Matt Lauer has traveled back in time to the Manson murders.

No, he’s in Namibia. All kids are afraid of skeletons, explains Matt. They are?

And you can ski on sand dunes in the desert on the skeleton coast of Namibia hence the no people and skier’s delight.

Okay, that clue was lame even by Today show standards.

So here’s Matt skiing:

And he’ll be somewhere else tomorrow.

It’s a global mystery. . .  one I hope I never see.