work it

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!

I Think ABC Hates Us

ABC premiered its new sitcom Work It last night. Work It is about two men who dress up as women and pee at urinals. I learned this from an ad in People magazine, which showed two men dressed as women peeing at urinals. Hilarity ensued…..somewhere else..very, very far away from this show.

I felt I gleaned enough from the promotional ad and my childhood watching Bosom Buddies to write a review 38 minutes before the show premiered. I added changes in red after I viewed the show, dry heaved in the carport and rubbed a cheese grater on my face to feel something other than blackness.

Opening theme song….RuPaul song, maybe Cover Girl? The two male leads gyrate on one another while struggling to pull up panty house. Hilarity ensues…..somewhere else….very, very far away from this show. Actually my opening was better. Dude 1 or Lee comes home with his pockets full of sugar, soy sauce and ketchup he stole from his latest job interview. His wife expositions how it’s been a year of unemployment, his insurance is almost out and it’s time to get a physical and “don’t compare a prostate exam to the pinball rape scene in The Accused.” I did not make up that line, someone was paid $250,000 to do so. God Bless America.

First scene – Dude 1 remarks to Dude 2 how easy women have it. “They just have to spread their legs and bingo job promotion! Even when on the rag.” The female (of course) boss overhears and fires them both on the spot. The audience saws “awwwwww!” and commits mass suicide. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they are searched for any weapons or objects that can be turned into weapons as a precaution. Spot on. Lee, his friend Pedro and “comic relief” Toad man sit at bar. Toad man says “It’s a Man-cession. Women are taking over the work force. . . They’ll keep a few of us around as sex slaves…but not the good kind of sex…the sex with kissing and cuddling.” The person who wrote that makes more money than all of us. 

Second scene – Dude 2 is sleeping on the couch, covered in want ads. He farts. Very close…Lee is at the doctor’s being raped on a pinball machine. He violates HIPAA as he listens into a dumb blonde’s conversation about how much work she has a drug rep. “In fact, we’re hiring,” she tee-hees. Oh, but not men because men are discriminated against in this society and also because “doctors like to nail them less. Tee-hee.” Lee also finds he has to pay $900 for his pinball rape. Where am I going to get that money, he thinks followed by Waw-wawhhhhh.

Third scene – Dude 1 is at a job interview. The potential employer says “Jeez, your resume is perfect, but I’ve got to fill a quota. You know how it is?” A whoa-is-me sound whistle plays. Lee rummages through his wife’s jewelry box and finds earrings. He plans to sell them until he catches sight of his head in a mirror just above the neckline of a horrible dress that is no way his wife’s because it’s size man-with-linebacker-shoulders. He places the earrings to his ears and quick cut to Lee in a different man-sized woman’s suit and wig. He is waiting for a job interview. Tampon joke. Mine comes later, darn it. Should have used it sooner.

Fourth scene – Dude 1 meets Dude 2 at Hooters. Dude 1 says “Man, I can’t find a job because, man, I’m a man, man!!” He pounds his fist on the table overturning a bowl of hot wings. Dude 2 farts loudly and asks “Are you going to eat that?” pointing at the chicken wing that landed in Dude 1’s crotch.  A lightbulb appears above Dude 1’s head: “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” I rub the cheese grater against my eyeballs and scream into a pillow. Meanwhile, Lee is being interviewed by a beautiful woman boss. He impresses her with his ability to name drugs and their side effects, e.g. [Work It]  causes anal fissures. “Wowza!” says woman boss. “Most of the girls think clinical trials are something Lindsay Lohan goes to!” And I run out into traffic thereby missing the rest, but here’s what should have happened:

Cuts to fifth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in Dude 1’s bedroom trying on bras. Dude 2 says “Sometimes I have that not-so-fresh feeling” and snaps Dude 1’s bra straps.

Sixth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in a waiting area dressed as women although they look so unlike women that they make Adam Sandler’s drag in Jack and Jill feel like The Crying Game. The employer walks by and eyes Dude 2’s chest. “She’s hired!” he yells as he does a cartwheel and mimes jacking off. “Not without my friend,” Dude 2 says breathlessly sticking his chest in employer’s face. “We’re a team.” The studio audience says “Ooohhhhhh!” and strangles one another. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they’re handcuffed.

Seventh scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are gainfully employed as stockbrokers or pharmaceutical sale reps (I was right!! I’m a genius even though I have ovaries!!) or car mechanics or pimps or congressmen or some other professions where women are 1 percent of the work force. They go to the bathroom. Dude 2 almost enters the men’s room, but Dude 1 pulls him by his bra strap into the women’s room. While in there, another woman is hemorrhaging in the stall. She begs Dude 2 to help her insert a tampon (should have been earlier). A making-whoopie whistle sounds while Dude 1 vigorously shakes Dude 2’s hand. “I am woman. Hear me roar,” Dude 1 yells, thumping his chest so vigorously that he pops out a falsie.

Eighth scene – Employer appears at Dude 2’s desk with flowers and candies. “I think you’ll find the best gift here,” the employer says gesturing to his crotch. “This will really make your hedge fund/sales/carburetor/whore/legislative bill run smoothly.” “I’m a lady,” Dude 2 says. “And I don’t stand for that kind of talk.” The studio audience members try to applaud, but their hands are still handcuffed so they pound their heads onto the back of the seats until they knock themselves unconscious. A new studio audience is brought in, handcuffed and helmets placed on their heads.

Ninth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 in dude clothes drink beer at a dive bar. “I think that went well, but next time I won’t use that entire bottle of Massengill,” Dude 2 says and farts a hole in the bar stool. “Lucky you,” says Dude 1. “But I’m in love with that woman who almost bled to death in the bathroom and I nearly gave a bj to the boss.” The studio audience tries desperately to kill its collective self, but with no luck instead enters a catatonic state, which is the exact state I entered at the conclusion of the show.

Other highlights:

  •  Lee mimes waxing his genitals

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”