I completely stole this from the Byronic Man, but I’ve been blogging for 20 straight days, I’m suppose to pack up and move out my house 20 days from now, and this sentence will peter out without a third 20 thing.
Byronic Man does this awesome Ask Sexy Stalin feature that makes you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time when you realize you’re seeking advice from a mass murderer who is quite hot frankly. Byronic Man featured one of my questions the last post and I am set to win an amazing What Would Sexy Stalin Do bracelet.
I probably should have waited until I received it before I stole his idea. Well reindeer sweater, I guess I’ll have to find another bracelet that will perfectly accessorize with you.
Anyway, I have my own homicidal maniac who also happens to give killer advice with the emphasis on killer.
Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces.
So now begins a new segment on Speaker7: Ask Hunky Hugo™.
You can ask Hugo anything, and I mean ANYTHING. The weirder the better. As Hugo likes to say, the more he knows about you, the easier for him to control you.
So let’s meet Hugo, shall we?
Hugo, what are you doing?!?
Well, it looks weird. Can you please stop? I’m trying to pass you off as an expert in the same manner Oprah convinced the world that Dr. Phil should be allowed to speak.
Very true. Hey…why are you doing that?
Well, you look like a Mario brother. Do you have anything you want to say to your advice-seekers?
Total nonsense.
All right then, if you feel a creepy half-man puppet can help, please leave your questions in the comments. I take no responsibility if Hugo shows up at your house.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Why is November so long? Why? Hugo loves you.
Speaker7 
Ha! Ohhhh you have my number with this post. (Seriously. My number’s on that card. Oh god. He’s going to control me any second, isn’t he?)
I’ll believe the Sexy Stalin bracelets when I see them in the flesh. With your reindeer sweater.
Hunky Hugo, do you like it when girls cry? If so, then what are you feelings on Fergie from Black-Eyed Peas, who claims, rather passionately, that big girls don’t cry?
Hugo is a little obsessed with you. He carries that business card everywhere. I think I caught him rubbing it on his head once, but he insists he was just scratching. As I write this Hugo is writing furiously on his little notepad. He mentioned something about “lady humps”
I love this idea and the fact you stole it from Byronic Man. I fear I will have many questions of Hugo. First …
Where you at all uncomfortable gaining fame and fortune from portraying the 50 Shades of Grey recrap moments? What made you the most uncomfortable?
Hugo said you are welcome to ask him as many questions as possible. First he wants you to gaze into his eyes for several hours.
What sort of medication do you take for the PTSD you suffer through after participating in all those recraps? Seriously, I need to know. After only making it through chapter 7 of the first book I find the flashbacks unbearable. Any help you can give me, Hugo, would help.
Signed,
Gouging My Eyes Out With Forks
Hugo says he can write you a prescription. You can, Hugo? Oh…okay, he’s just drawing a picture of a phallus. He is very immature. I’m so, so sorry.
Hugo: Do you think older women are sexier than younger women? What is the sexiest thing about women over 60?
Hugo just asked me to print out your picture. He said he’s going to feather his nest with it. I don’t know what he means, but I’m certainly not going to ask for clarification because he is in a really creepy mood.
Oh goodie….I could really use some good, solid advice.
My husband no longer satisfies me sexually. I am horny all of the time and I work in an all male environment. Would it be wrong to have a gang bang in the parking lot one day after work?
Can I answer this one too? I say no, it’s not wrong.
I didn’t think so Weebly, but I wanted a second opinion before I went ahead. I’m shaking with anticipation.
Dearest WriterWendyReid,
If that is wrong, I don’t want to be right. My only stipulation is you think of my piercing bald head the entire romp.
Creepily yours for eternity,
Hugo
Dear Hugo,
Bald is sexy as hell. Say you’ll paricipate.
Kiss me with an open mouth.
Your love monkey
Wendy
Hugo: Since you portrayed Christian and managed to get Goofy Ana pregnant even with only half a body, perhaps you have some advice on sexual positions for effective procreation.
Hugo is drawing some diagrams. He said he will be posting them shortly. I have a feeling this might bring about armageddon.
Hugo –
I am still waiting on that interview. Are you still sleeping with my lock of hair? Also, what the hell happened to Goofy? I heard she cheated on you with Tickle-Me-Elmo.
Stay creepy,
Alice
P.S. I wonder if Sad Pony or Squirrel would be up for giving advice. They are huge Hugo fans.
Hugo is now insisting on a lock of Sad Pony’s mane before answering any of your questions.
Hugo: Are you just a pawn in Speaker 7s play for world domination, or are you just biding your time, lulling her into a false sense of security until you can run off with all her reindeer sweater?
Hugo is muttering something…it sounds like “how did El Guapo know?” and now he’s tinkering in the basement. I’m afraid to go down there.
Hugo, I can’t balance a checkbook. Should I see a chiropractor?
Hugo has told me in order for him to be able to answer this question, he needs your bank routing number? And a tooth. I would just ignore him and now he is glaring at me.
Hugo, I have a question: do you prefer to garotte your victims using leverage, or brute strength?
Hugo really likes your question for some reason. He’s positively beaming and has asked if you will send him a lock of hair.
He’s talking about hair from my head, right?
I don’t know.
Hugo, Are you going to help Speaker7 pack?
I can answer this one….no. The bastard.
Spank him.
Hugo, where are your pants? And legs, for that matter.
I have asked him this several times…maybe you’ll have better luck.
Dear Hugo, if you did have legs and all that comes with them, would you have the kind of feet where the big toe is the biggest, or would you have those weird feet where the second toe is actually the longest? Also, how big would your feet be? Just curious!
These are very good questions. Hugo appears to be meditating while pondering them.
Hugo,
Do you prefer to go down on women with or without your mustache? Do you find they enjoy it more or less?
Hugo has retreated to some dark corner after I read this to him. I’m not going to see what he’s doing, but I imagine he will be answering you at some point.
Dear Hugo,
First of all, you are so lucky that Speaker 7 shares tasty Italian ices with you. However, I must know what you do when you aren’t pretending you’re Christian Grey or flirting creepily with Speaker 7’s blog readers. Are you taking all the locks of hair and weaving a blanket for the toddler or something?
Hugo said he will answer this if, and only if, you contribute a lock of your hair.
Dear Hugo,
Where did you leave your legs? And your genitals? Did they shrivel up after all that recrapping with Ana?
Sorry, that was three questions.
All my love,
Lyssa
Lyssa,
Hugo is weeping from your questions, but he promises to answer them.
Cockfighting: sexy man play or cruel animal sport?
Would rather: Charlie Sheen in his Tiger Blood phase or Nick Nolte during his mugshot phase?
I found out I have herpes while browsing WebMD. Is that a deal breaker for you?
I definitely know the answer to the last question is a resounding no. Hugo is pondering the others.
Dearest Hugo,
How can we stop Dr. Phil?
Who would you rather have sex with, Stalin or Dr. Phil?
How much wine is appropriate to drink on Thanksgiving?
Is it okay if I get sloshed, then ask my mom why she never loved me while I’m passing her the peas?
Hugo liked your questions very much. He was saying something about siging a “blood pact” to get rid of Dr. Phil. I’m not sure. He’s in his laboratory at the moment.
Dear Hunky Hugo,
I have been waiting for this moment for months now. I won’t read any posts if you aren’t in them. Any, not just Speaker7’s. Two questions:
1. How do you feel about product placement in blogs?
2. Will you get me pregnant even if I’m menopausal and you have no genitals?
Love, enduring love forever,
Maggie
Maggie,
Hugo is very pleased by your commitment to him. He says you are to look deeply into his eyes for a full seven hours, and you will then know the answers to these questions.
Speaker7
Dear Hunky Hugo,
Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like that guy from “Deal or No Deal?” Oh yeah, Howie Mandel, that’s his name. He was hot… in the 80’s. But I like your Magnum PI ‘stache, so I guess you can be 80’s Hunky Hugo in my books.
Also, the 1,000 faces you use: did you steal them from living people? If so, who is guilty of that crime? You or the hand up your bum?
Just wondering,
U/CL
Dear UndercoverL,
Howie Mandel stole my look five years ago. He is a pox on the anal wart of humanity. To answer your other question, I have never stolen anything that didn’t want to be stolen.
I now own a piece of your soul,
Hugo
Dear Hugo,
Back when you were just an anonymous half-man puppet amongst starting out on the rollercoaster ride of fame and infamy that was Speaker7’s 50 Shades Recraps, I thought you were creepy looking. But now when I look at your smooth head and your expressive eyes, I find myself moved by your extreme hotness. How did you get so sexy? Have you had plastic surgery?
Yours in creepiness,
Jo
Oh Jo. I’m shaking my head in despiar. This is a sign you are under his spell. Hugo is delighted. His head is beaming.
Dear Hunky Hugo:
I hate cleaning my house. Could you share some viable excuses for me not to have to do so anymore?
Sincerely,
Layzee Ahs-Hatt
Dear Layzee Ahs-Hatt,
Is your name Norwegian? You no longer have to clean your house in exchange for your mortal soul.
Creepily creepy,
Hugo