Dr. Phil

Tips for a Successful Marriage

Today is my wedding anniversary.

Many people ask me, “Speaker7, why is your marriage so successful?”

My marriage has truly been a partnership as we have raised our two boys with great hope and optimism that they would one day become fine young men. Mr. Speaker7 has often said that God put him on this earth to be a wife and a mother. Our family, of which Mr. Speaker7 is the heart, is testimony that he has embraced that calling. Over the last 28 years, we have loved, cried, laughed, despaired and celebrated. I reveled in featuring my giant pumpkin head, grating Southern accent, and condescending shitball personality on Oprah while making loads of dough exploiting other people’s mental illness.

….Wait a second….Oopsies! I just plagiarized the majority of that last paragraph from Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Family First. My bad, everyone.

The truth is no one has ever asked me about my succesful marriage and Dr. Phil is a colossal fuckstick.

dr.doucheMy marriage is successful because I have no trouble admitting when I’m wrong.

The other day, I ate what I thought was a plain roasted edamame. Instead it turned out to be coated in wasabi, a substance slightly hotter than the surface of the sun.

It immediately felt like I flicked a bic lighter inside one of my nostrils. I dipped my tongue in cleaning fluid to dull the burning hemorrhoid sensation on my tongue.

I knew I had fucked up.

If you would like to know some other tips to a successful marriage, they are these:

  • drink plenty of cranberry juice
  • drink plenty of water
  • avoid consuming irritants like caffeine except for the six to eight cups one needs to wake up in the morning
  • wipe from front to back

Interestingly this will also keep you from getting a urinary tract infection.

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Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

This will be short because there is funnel of gravy with my name on it.

What I’m thankful for:

  • funnels of gravy
  • priceless sculptures

exhibit A

  • families who pose in unitards

  • celebrities’ obligatory Thanksgiving comments

  • Advice books

  • Fifty Shades-inspired homages

And…..what am I missing?

Oh yes, all of you. For reals, people. This has been one of the most creatively fulfilling things I have ever done, and that’s saying a lot because I once covered a lawnmower race. All kidding aside, thanks for reading me, giving me inspiration and making me laugh.

Now go eat your weight in gravy. Even if you aren’t American and celebrating Thanksgiving, it’s still a great idea.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is why she has intruded on your holiday. 

Ask Hunky Hugo

I completely stole this from the Byronic Man, but I’ve been blogging for 20 straight days, I’m suppose to pack up and move out my house 20 days from now, and this sentence will peter out without a third 20 thing.

Byronic Man does this awesome Ask Sexy Stalin feature that makes you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time when you realize you’re seeking advice from a mass murderer who is quite hot frankly. Byronic Man featured one of my questions the last post and I am set to win an amazing What Would Sexy Stalin Do bracelet.

I probably should have waited until I received it before I stole his idea. Well reindeer sweater, I guess I’ll have to find another bracelet that will perfectly accessorize with you.

Anyway, I have my own homicidal maniac who also happens to give killer advice with the emphasis on killer.

Hugo, the man of 1,000 faces.

So now begins a new segment on Speaker7: Ask Hunky Hugo™.

You can ask Hugo anything, and I mean ANYTHING. The weirder the better. As Hugo likes to say, the more he knows about you, the easier for him to control you.

So let’s meet Hugo, shall we?

Hugo, what are you doing?!?

Well, it looks weird. Can you please stop? I’m trying to pass you off as an expert in the same manner Oprah convinced the world that Dr. Phil should be allowed to speak.

Very true. Hey…why are you doing that?

Well, you look like a Mario brother. Do you have anything you want to say to your advice-seekers?

Total nonsense.

All right then, if you feel a creepy half-man puppet can help, please leave your questions in the comments. I take no responsibility if Hugo shows up at your house.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Why is November so long? Why? Hugo loves you.

Turd of the Week™

We are unveiling a new weekly segment here at speaker7.wordpress.com. I say “we” so if it fails miserably, I can blame it on one of my many interns and underlings who work for me–mainly my nearly 2-year-old son.

But how can it fail? It’s about everyone’s favorite topic–turds. Turds are essential for a living organism to function and for blog writing. When I wrote my first turd-related post about the turdish nature of Dr. Phil, my number of subscribers shot through the roof (source: Speaker7’s imagination). Little known fact: Sculptor Gutson Borglum used Dr. Phil’s head as a model when carving the faces of the United States’ presidents into Mount Rushmore because Dr. Phil’s head is close to the actual size of the sculpture give or take a few yards.

I will now take a few questions.

Speaker7, how can you possibly settle on only one turd a week when there are an abundance of turds featured daily on the Today show?

That’s a great question.

What do you mean by the word “turd”?

When someone is labeled a turd, it means he or she represents a piece of fecal matter.

Couldn’t that be construed as positive considering we need to evacuate our bowels to survive?

No.

When will this segment begin?

Right now. In fact I even have a logo:

I can’t say this was easy. There was a lot of turdish behavior committed by complete turds this week.  Marky Mark said that turdish thing about how he would have stopped the 9/11 terrorists if he had been on the plane. Newt Gingrich likely said something horrible about poor people or will during the presidential debate tonight in South Carolina. But the turd who stuck out the most, in my opinion, is U.S. Rep. Peter King.

The reason he stuck out the most is that I watched Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show today, and I remembered how much I cannot stand him. He has requested the Defense Department investigate whether the Obama administration leaked classified information about the raid on Osama bin Laden to two producers making a film because nothing else of import is occurring at the moment. He has no proof of this, which is why he asked for an investigation. I have no proof that Peter King eats live babies for breakfast, which is why I’m asking for an investigation.

But what I really enjoy most about King is his spot-on impression of Sen. Joseph McCarthy although Pete isn’t ferreting out communists, just Americans who happen to be Muslim. He plans to hold some more (!) investigations into American Muslims next month. Why? “It’s there and that’s where the threat is coming from at this time.”

Well turded, Pete, well turded.

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

I Hate Charlie Brady King

This post will be a little disappointing. Readers I know you tune into this blog (since it is a radio show) and expect to be blown away by scholarly insight like Dr. Phil is a turd and the decline of America began when someone asked “Where’s the beef?” and someone else answered “I don’t know”…but here’s the thing, some person with the face of an ass (aka assface) decided to jackhammer my street at 4:30 a.m.

This is not a pleasant sound to be gently lulled into a conscious state. It can lead to outbursts of “What the f—-!!” and the ripping aside of drapes in order to burn the offender alive with death laser beams shooting from the eyeballs. It can lead to this:

I am a morning person, but 4:30 is still the middle of the night. I occasionally pulled all-nighters in college or at middle school slumber parties to avoid having my hand placed in a warm cup of water (my college roommates were aholes). I found that around 4 a.m., reality became a little fuzzy, a little dreamlike and things that happened during that time could not be recalled. Of course, it’s possible I fell asleep, but my point is 4:30 is not a proper time for a jackoff jerkwad to jackhammer into asphalt.

So I’m not bringing my A game to this post. It’s more like my Q game. I feel like I’m a contestant on Top Chef: Just Desserts and I’ve been asked to make a dessert out of raviolis and bottle of Brass Monkey, which is what the contestants were just asked to do on the rerun I’m watching. See I can’t even come up with my own analogies. Oh, the humanity.

Sarah Palin is not running for president. I learned this from the TV. They showed footage of her speaking at a Tea Party rally. Someone held a sign that said “I Like the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.” I would like to put that on a T-shirt and then take that T-shirt and jakehammer it on top of a sewer line. And then I would make another T-shirt that says “I Like the Smell of a Sewage-Soaked Jackhammered T-Shirt Over the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.”

She is putting her family first and working to elect those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation. That “fundamental transformation” is in “quotes” because it is a “beautiful” turn-of-phrase uttered by Clown Baby…I mean, “Glenn Beck,” who is a giant baby with the comic timing of a tramp.

Palin’s statement continues, and it’s one of the few times I would gladly accept a jackhammer to the head over listening to any more, but the gist is she’s going to work to bring this country back, and I never know what this means. Back to what? The time of Jim Crow? The time when women pretty much had three career paths open to them: teacher, nurse, housewife? The time of child labor and poor houses? The time before Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding? The time before Charles Brady King invented the jackhammer?

…I think she may be onto something.

 

Forget Your Daily Forecast

Things are bleak man.

More children are living in poverty. The unemployed are staying unemployed for longer durations. Kate Plus 8 has been canceled, which will contribute to eight more children living in poverty and one more adult qualifying for unemployment.

But the real reason I’m saying “things are bleak man” is that the horoscope has even become godawful depressing. I don’t normally read my horoscope mainly because I don’t believe every human born within the same month share the same qualities.

Like take Harriet Tubman, a woman who risked her life for freedom and risked it again and again so others could be free. She was a spy in the Civil War and the first female to lead a raid against an enemy camp. She was a Pisces. So is John Stossel. He has a show on Fox News and is known for whining the phrase “Give me a break.” He is a douche.

Or take Mother Teresa who devoted her life to helping the poor and sick in India. She was a Virgo. So is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil makes his money exploiting the bewildered. And is a giant-headed turd. So is Dr. Drew Pinsky. He’s a Virgo, I mean. His head is normal-sized, and he is a bespectacled turd. And he makes his money exploiting the bewildered who once had some semblance of fame if you consider porn and reality TV as legitimate entertainment careers.

So I don’t put much faith into astrological signs. I’m a Scorpio. So is John Boehner. And Charles Manson. My father and George W. Bush were born on the same day in the same year so they should be pretty similar. Yet my father is actually competent in his job. And he did not fabricate evidence to start an unnecessary war and then later say his most regrettable moment in his presidency was when Kanye West said my father didn’t care about black people. At least I don’t think that happened to him. I will ask him tomorrow and post an editor’s note if I am mistaken.

I know, I know, George W. Bush jokes are sooooo 2008. But I’m a little off today, and my horoscope said I would be. My horoscope told me a big urgent responsibility (i.e. writing my next blog post) that I’d been artfully dodging in hopes that someone else would do it (i.e., Les from Best Bathroom Books, Nancy from Not Quite Old), would be dumped in my lap. And–get this–Me and my lap asked for it. Like, what the &**!^&$#@! horoscope. That is really hostile.

So I checked out the other signs and they were equally belligerent, accusatory and critical.

“If you refuse to go along with the majority, you are likely to create a lot of unnecessary dissension” – Better conform, you goddamn Sagittarius. Don’t be thinking for yourself.

“If you are too indecisive, someone else will make the big decision. Don’t blame them if you don’t like their choice” you $%$!$% spineless piece o’ crap Libra.

“You should take extra precautions when working with tools or materials that you are unfamiliar with” because, frankly Taurus, you are a dumbass and will likely lop off your own head.

And on and on it goes–all bleak.

I’m expecting tomorrow’s will be something like “The zombie apocalypse is upon you.”

I’ll make sure I don’t have any Tauruses with me.

The Newest Member of the Baby-sitter’s Club

Working is very difficult.

It has caused me to miss the answer to the greatest bombshell question in the history of question-asking. I got a little teaser from the Today show when Matt Lauer said we would get the answer to this earth-shatterer: Would Casey Anthony’s parents let her babysit her brother’s child?????

Well, if he had a child. He doesn’t. But that is still a fucking awesome question. It made me do this:

I know this question kicks balls because the Today anchor interviewing Dr. Phil told him it was “a very interesting” question. And I looked up “very” and “interesting” in the dictionary and they continue to have the same meanings. This Today anchor knows what he’s talking about–although he also knows when Matt Lauer retires, he will never take the anchor chair because he’s older than Matt and must content himself with Matt’s dinner scraps, but he makes himself feel better knowing that he has his Matt Lauer voo-doo doll at home under his pillow and he will be able to stick pins in it later and that stops the roaring in his ears.

If you hadn’t read my previous post of the very un-turdlike manner of Dr. Phil, you may be unaware that Dr. Phil has conducted 1,321,408 interviews with Cindy and Anthony Anthony (I don’t know the father’s name, and am too lazy to Google it, but believe this is “a very interesting” guess). He has done this because this is the biggest story in my lifetime and any person’s lifetime born in the next 75 years–hence the nuclear bomb question of amazingness. The Today show even had on a judge to give her perspective. She was very normal-looking.

Speaker7 sentences you to more lip injections *bangs gavel*

While Dr. Phil’s question was truly terrific and I did have to pick my jaw up off the floor and I was saying “Wha…wha…wha…” because I couldn’t even get the word “what” out of my mouth because my brain had so totally exploded, I think he missed an opportunity to ask even better follow-up questions. Here it is the biggest news story of our lifetime and anyone else’s lifetime born in the next 75 years, and Dr. Phil, frankly, dropped the ball and continued on with the next line of questioning, which I believe was:

“Do you think my giant head could fit inside the grand canyon?” (The answer is no.)

Here is what I would have followed up with:

Let’s say Casey brother is in a tight spot and really needs a babysitter, and the only choices are Casey or OJ Simpson. Who should he pick?

What if the choices were Casey or one of those mothers from Toddlers & Tiaras?

Say you have a time machine and you can send Casey back in time, would you allow her to babysit herself?

If Mary and Joseph needed a night out on the town, would you let Casey babysit Baby Jesus?

What if it was Adolf Hitler’s parents?

Do you think Nancy Grace would ever ask Casey to babysit her twins, and if so, do you think Casey would do a good job?

Would you let Casey date someone who suffered from adult baby syndrome?

I know it is canceled, but would you let Casey star on the show Casey and Kate Plus 8?

Would you let Casey be adopted by the Duggar family? What about the Manson family? What about the Jolie-Pitt family?

Would you let Casey adopt a virtual baby? What about a Furby®?

Would you let Casey adopt Lindsay Lohan? What about Michael Lohan?

Would you let Casey care for a Baby Think It Over® infant simulator? What if it was a sock puppet with a baby’s face drawn onto it? What if it was just a sock?

Could you leave Casey and Dr. Phil alone in a room with only a bottle of chloroform? Please.

Dr. Shrill

How could I have missed this? Dr. Phil had the exclusive interview with Casey Anthony’s parents over the last two days and I did not watch it.

I was at work, which is not a good excuse, but a better excuse is I have no idea when the Dr. Phil show is on. I might have been home. There’s a 91 percent chance I was.

Why don’t I religiously watch Dr. Phil? It was his 10-year season premiere after all.

Well I will try to put this delicately because I don’t want to offend people who have an affinity for Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a giant turd.

Wait, I think that is too insulting . . . to turds.

I will have to think of something else.

Dr. Phil is the male version of Nancy Grace.

He is the reason when people say “Don’t you just loovvveeee Oprah?” I say “meh” because she birthed him out of her vayjayjay into our world.

Since I missed the interview(s)–I believe there are 345 of them because this is the biggest story of our lifetime (second biggest story: sugar baby students–tune into Dr. Phil on Friday)–I had to rely on the Today show and the Dr. Phil website to find out what I missed.

I did not pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial, but it seems like a lot of people got really worked up about it from reading Facebook status updates around that time. That is where I get my news. Let’s see who actually pays attention and keeps this going. Repost this if you get your news from Facebook. I bet 93 percent won’t have the courage to make this your status update.

Matt Lauer asked some questions that I can’t recall and Dr. Phil was dickish in his response because he’s awful. He seems to be a really good therapist.

They show some clips from the interviews.

“Do you believe she borrowed a shovel,” Dr. Phil turds.

Matt is incredulous that the mom didn’t say “yup, she borrowed a shovel to bury her daughter whom she killed.” Good thing no real news is happening today.

On Dr. Phil’s website is a very tasteful and very non-turdlike promo for the interviews that is in the style of a Fast & Furious XXXIIXXVVVV: Fasterier Furiouser Fastest Fastener Fast trailer.

“There are millions of people in America now who want to shake you awake,” turds Dr. Phil.

“Will it be the breaking point?” asks the narrator.

“I was going to kill myself,” says the dad.

“Or the BREAK THROUGH” drones the narrator.

“In your mind you know the truth,” bleats Dr. Phil.

*fade to black*

Yes. The truth is that you, Dr. Phil, will make a lot of money on this–the same way you make money from parading out and self-righteously judging the sad, lost people of the world for enjoyment–and I will be writing another blog post about your 20-year season premiere because for some reason people feed on others’ misery.

A Fish Wrapped in Newspaper… Just for You

This month, Mr. Speaker7 and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Eight years….eight, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long years. From what I understand, on the first anniversary, one bestows a gift of paper. The second, a rock followed by scissors on the third and so on and so on until the eighth, which is a fish wrapped in newspaper (reference: Martha Stewart Weddings). But I decided that my eighth anniversary gift will be a gift to you readers. Clearly I have a good handle on marriage because a) I’m still married and b) I’m not divorced.

Just look at this picture of wedded bliss:

Wedded Bliss

The high-fiving of hands is the #5 sign of wedded bliss.

I want you all to learn from my success so one day, you too can write a blog post heralding your successful marriage to my husband.  Here are eight tips for having a successful marriage:

1. Don’t marry someone who sucks. Many people make this classic rookie mistake (reference: Bridezillas). You date someone for awhile, you hate him/her and then you get this idea that you will hate him/her less if you legally bind yourself to him/her for all eternity.

2. Strive for honesty. I say strive because we all have to lie to our spouses at some time. Do you think my saddlebags make me unattractive? Nope, in fact I’d like them bigger. Is my blog funny? Yes, yes it is. You didn’t laugh when I forced you to read my latest entry. I was laughing on the inside. What does that mean? Your saddlebags look really good today.

3. Don’t be that person who says your marriage works because you’re always right and then titter because that’s so original. Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.

4. Please, oh please, for the love of christ, do not put your marital woes as your status update on Facebook. There is a good chance that your spouse is a Facebook friend or if not (why isn’t your spouse your Facebook friend? that’s wrong, man) has mutual friends, and will not enjoy reading “I want to divorce _____ so much right now” and seeing that you changed your relationship status to single. And then your mutual friends and family see this and begin to comment worryingly under your update, and now it’s really hard to explain that you’re mad because your spouse ate all of the Klondike bars and you were really looking forward to one after a long day at the fishhook factory. So since that makes you look petty, you end up filing for divorce, which was truly something you would not do for Klondike bar, but in this case you did.

5. Oh my god, do I really have to say this?..do not, I repeat, do not take a picture of your genitals and send it to someone you met on the Internet. Now men, I’m going to address you now because I don’t know of many stories about women getting into a serious pickle for photographing their vaginas (yes Oprah, I’m using the word vagina. I am empowered). There is no woman alive who wants to see that. No woman. If some special Internet friend is asking to see that, s/he (always he) is likely working for Perverted Justice. On a sidenote, isn’t that just about the worst name in the world. Are they saying the only justice they dish out is perverted? They should call it what it is…a total sham.

6. Make sure your sentences have verbs. I stole this from Dr. Phil’s “A Good Marriage” advice column. I wasn’t aware that people really had a problem with this, but I’m putting it just in case you leaving notes for your spouse that read like this: I with your best friend. I home late. I you.

7. Don’t fall in love with Edward Cullen/Jacob Werewolf (I’m too lazy to look up his last name) from the Twilight series. Don’t lament that your spouse’s eyes aren’t topaz or that his arms aren’t made of marble or that he doesn’t sparkle in sunlight or that he doesn’t imprint on fetuses (I’m not getting into this part, if you want to know what it means look it up online) or doesn’t eat live chickens or doesn’t write the most boring books of all time….Don’t be these people.

8. Do not take advice from people who claim they have the key to a successful marriage. They always have no idea what they’re talking about.