Easter, Flag Day Sexier Than Thanksgiving

Well shit.

Here I was. All excited for my four-day Thanksgiving holiday, and come to find out that Thanksgiving is NOT a sexy holiday.

Horn of plenty? More like horn of wah-wah.

It’s true.

It’s true because I read it in Glamour magazine. Not only do I have 60 fun nail polish ideas to try this week (Must remember to stock up on nail polish remover), but I will have to do my sexy at some other holiday because scientifically,  Thanksgiving is a cold turkey.

Why so unsexy, Thanksgiving?

Because someone had a deadline to fill and someone else said “Just write something about Thanksgiving and put sex in it. Can’t you see I’m doing my nails? Fuck, I have 54 other combinations to try out. Get out of my office!”

Was I suppose to really read the article?

Cheezus cripes, okay, okay I’ll read it.

My face feels numb.

So there are 28 reasons, and I read them all. And in between my reading, I changed my nail polish 4 times.

It basically comes down to this:

Your genitals stay covered up because your Aunt Sylvia would be like “Um….why am I seeing your pubic hair” and turkey skin is all goosebumpily.

It’s not like Easter with the eggs and sperm and bunnies copulating like…well bunnies. Or Flag Day with those flags on those poles, waving their patriotism in people’s faces.

So, sorry America. You will have to celebrate your Thanksgiving in a sexless fashion, which I think kinda works since it commemorates the pilgrims and stuff and they were way uptight.

Don’t fret because Dec. 8 is Take It In the Ear Day. And that sounds sexy as shit.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is getting in her way of her Take It In the Ear Day celebration, but she soldiers on because she loves you.


  1. I can’t believe they think Thanksgiving isn’t sexy. I mean, what is up with them? I always get my groove on then, sometimes in the middle of the table in front of extended family. That might be why I have not been invited back. You guys should try it. Makes the holidays much more bearable that way.

    Also, I am too sexy for my turkey.

    1. I believe it became a holiday when the whole everyone’s-a-communist thing was happening in the 40s and 50s. I celebrate by turning my neighbors into the FBI.

  2. Damn – the way I stuff turkey is sexy as hell, and means I don’t have to use salt in my cooking!
    I’m having plastic surgery next week to widen my lug-hole for the 8th, I can almost hear it coming… as it were 😉

  3. Thanksgiving isn’t sexy because you eat so much. If you try to have sexy time you’ll get sick and vomit all over each other. Mystery solved. Nobody wants to wear regurgitated turkey and stuphing on their birthday suits.

    1. That’s exactly what I was going to say. I’ll just have to plan for sexy time before Thanksgiving starts. Come help me baste the turkey sounds kind of hot.

      1. Well really, the best solution would be sexy times right before eating. You know, so that your metabolism gets going. THEN everyone can stuff their faces without worry of vomititus after.

  4. We all end up waddling side to side after eating 14 courses of fattening, waddle-producing foods, some of which give our necks those ultra-sexy waddles, just like Tom Turkey. How can one possibly feel sexy being a double-waddler?

  5. I guess it’s different for lesbians. I once recall having great sex on Thanksgiving morning into afternoon, but then the phone rang (this was so long ago I had a landline) and the caller was the person who’s house I was supposed to be at for dinner at 4 ripping me a new butthole for not having left my hovel yet. Saying, “Gee, I was busy having great sex,” was not a welcome explanation. To ensure that never happens again, I’m assigned to show up at her brother’s place where I crash the night before. Happy Turkey Day buddy!

  6. You mean eating 2 huge plates of Thanksgiving dinner and 3 pieces of pie, getting SO full that you have to unzip your pants and let your stomach fall out onto your lap, ISN’T SEXY???

  7. I’m pretty sure the 60 nail polish ideas slide show is actually an experiment to see how many times a person can click before dying of boredom.

  8. You’re a fucking trip. I read this three times. You know, I happen to have an Aunt Silvia like everyone does, and reading the dirty “genitals” word so close to “Aunt Silvia”, well, I hot-burped a little bit.

    1. Ooh…this is awkward. I really don’t want to tell someone to cover up their genitals on Thanksgiving especially if that is a tradition. I think it depends on the circumstances.

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