Thanksgiving is that annoying little holiday that gets in the way of me pitching a tent outside Target in hopes of buying this:
Yes, there are only four shopping days left until the consumer frenzy that is Black Friday. What better way to cap off a day expressing your thanks for family, friends and health then by elbowing someone’s else grandma in the face to get this great deal at Walmart:
I don’t know about you, but I am extra excited this year. This year the stores are opening at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day!!!
That means I can have this in my mouth four hours earlier than I thought:
Thankful.
That means I can spend the remainder of Black Friday on actual Friday wearing these:
And using this:
You know with Black Friday intruding earlier and earlier into the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s only a matter of time before we forget Thanksgiving existed all together, and instead transform it into Black Friday Eve.
FYI – this is what I want for next Black Friday Eve…pssttt! It’s at K-Mart!
And then we don’t have to even worry about cooking a turkey for future Black Friday Eves.
Give thanks.
Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She would feel more inspired if she was wearing sauna pants while she did this…hint…hint…
Speaker7 
Oh lord. This makes me need alcohol at 7:30 am.
Then I did my job.
I so need that portable potty.
We don’t have Thanksgiving in England, we’re a bunch of miserable ingrates. We thank no-one. We lost our Empire all by our little selves.
We revolted against ye evil Empire and created our own by killing off most of the original inhabitants! We called it “Manifest Destiny”. And we celebrate Thanksgiving – a day to thank the Indians that we later killed or sent to reservations.
Um, but there’s turkey. Everyone loves Turkey.
I think the portable potty is a way to bridge any divide that may still exist between our two countries.
Alas, Storkhunter said what I was going to say. Apart from the bit about the portable potty.
Are you sure you don’t want a portable urinal? It seems like the perfect stocking stuffer.
I think the stocking might drip a bit…
True. Maybe you can get a sauna stocking? Makes the dripping less noticable.
What like a perspiration-rocking-stocking?
I really want a hot dog now. At 8:47 AM. Maybe it will become a Black Friday Eve tradition!
That is a beautiful tradition. My family will spend most of the morning sitting around in our sauna pants.
I want one of each please – well, maybe two of the peeing tubes
You really can’t go wrong buying plenty of peeing tubes.
If you were to sell all this stuff on SkyMall you’d make a fortune.
The portable urinal has to be already in the catalog, I would hope.
Ana should get one of those portable urinals for Christian for Christmas and then set it on SUCK. Oh, wait, you mean you’re supposed to pee in it? It looks like a vacuum. I guess she should just clamp it on really tight.
If you read further in the book, which I know is your dream, you will see that Ana has a big thing about peeing in front of Christian because oh my god, it’s so personal, right? And then she will stick his tie up her ass.
Thousands of Walmart workers want to go on strike on BF…if I can make the time for it, I’m going to check on my local store of the Walton Empire and if I see strikers, I’m gonna buy them some donuts or something.
That would be the greatest Black Friday event ever. Seriously. F*** Wal-mart and its shitastic worker policies.
Aye. Check your local store…if I see peeps with signs, I’m going to show some solidarity.
If they treated their workers well, I might actually shop there.
You can wear the sauna pants while running through the stores buying crap for the holidays. I see that as win/win.
And I’m sure others would be less likely to push their bodies up against me since I’ll be so steamy and moist.
Win/Win/Win!
Believe it or not, there are people who’ve been camped outside of my Best Buy since last Thursday waiting for Black Friday. They even have a generator. That store better be selling gold bricks for a penny, that’s all I can say.
Um….yup, I’ve got nothing.
That Go Pilot seems sexist to me…how are women supposed to use it? You know how everyone loves to pee in public – so it should be universal! Who do I write to about this?
Also, what do you do with the pee after you use it? Tote it around with you like a purse all day? Wouldn’t it be funny if a purse snatcher accidentally grabbed your Go-Pilot and then went around the corner and opened it up and was like – “SCORE! A whole container of apple juice!”
P.S. Free monistat! LOL!
I am now going to fill my bag with jars of urine as a means to prevent pursesnatching.
Aw, jeez, but I still have to PUT the hot dog and bun in the toaster and then TAKE IT OUT and PUT IT TOGETHER?? What am I, a gourmet chef?
I know. And then I actually have to put it in my mouth and use my OWN jaw muscles to chew it? That is sooooo hard.
On an non hot dog related note, did you get my email about WWSSD?
Speaker7,
We have a saying in Canada:
“On Black Friday, it’s good to be Canadian. And on all other 364 other days.”
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t kill for a pair of sauna pants. And if you were American, you would actually kill for some cheap crap since inevitably some person dies on Black Friday.
Speaker7
Speaker7,
And let me guess, it’s like a horror flick, right? It’s either the girl who had sex or the black dude that dies first, right?
Le Clown, right?
Le Clown,
Yes.
Speaker7
P.S. Happy Black Friday Eve three days early!
Sauna pants? Sauna pants! I wonder if they are waterproof and I can use them for the polar bear swim when you jump into a frozen lake to start a new year.
There may be electrical problems though….
Yes, that might make for an electrifyng polar bear swim.
Or you may negatively polarize your bare bits.
I just blew diet pepsi out my nose…I watched the news this morning about some fool who has been camping outside of Best Buy for a week already – can you imagine using your vacation days to camp on concrete at Best Buy hoping to get a good deal on some earbuds? I plan to spend Black Friday digesting my feast from Thursday.
I would get it if the intent was to purchase sauna urinals or something. But yes, like you, I will be doing anything other than shopping on Friday.
Or sauna ponchos or sox – but electronics – never! OK – I confess to standing in line to buy the first iPhone – but that was ages ago…
Opening 8 pm on Thanksgiving night? That is SO wrong — what happened to the protests at Target opening at 4 am last year? I seriously cannot believe anybody is that interested in shopping. I’d gladly pay a surcharge not to have to deal with those lunatics!
I guess the protests were about it not being open early enough so people can get $10 hot dog toasters?
That hotdog toaster actually looks pretty cool!
It’s all fun and games until someone has to clean out the grease trap.
I don’t like it when you’re the voice of reason.
Yeah. They need to invent a disposable hotdog toaster.
Holy Moly, Speaker7, with the Team Sparkleballs t-shirt and the fancy fluorescent sauna pants, I reckon I could get any seat on the bus I want!
Don’t forget the portable urinal.
Oh, wow! In just a few days, I could be sitting in my Sauna Pants under my own personal palm tree, watching my illuminated ant-farm and munching down on toaster hotdogs while happily anticipating peeing in my Go Pilot and putting a little Justin Bieber – GAAAAH!! AAARRGH!!
You almost had me convinced.
This makes me want to resurrect my suggestion for an “As Seen on TV” gift exchange with the family this year. Do they still make Pajama Jeans?
If they don’t, I no longer want to live.
The motherinlaw has that palm tree. Im sure my fatherinlaw is proud of what that alimony is going to! Bitter drinking under a faux palm…..
I hope she got it on sale at least.
My mother actually bought me that hot dog toaster as a wedding gift. Like, she saw that and thought, “What will they do to make hot dogs without this glorious device?” That thank-you card was really difficult to write.
Dear Mom,
Thanks so much for the hot dog toaster. My only problem is I don’t know where the mustard goes. Is there a mustard attachment?
I hate the way commercialism has taken over everything. Money has become more important than anything else.
And these stupid devices…it’s gotten ridiculous at how they are coming up with things to do everything for us so that we have to move less and less. It’s no wonder so many of us are overweight. Presently company included.
My comment-maker machine is making this comment, keeping my hands free to shove copious amounts of cookie dough in my mouth.
You crack me up…..seriously…you made me laugh out loud…spitting nachos everywhere in the process
You need to buy a nacho vacuum/steam wizard ASAP!
But you know the Product Teleporter 3000 takes up to 20 minutes and I can’t wait that long!
Do they have Ryan Gosling “toothbrushes”?
He’s more my flavor…
Unfortunately no, but One Direction has a toothpaste.
You just make me spit out my tea.
*shudder*
To be fair, that ant farm is probably more suspenseful, moving, and intellectually stimulating than at least 90% of what is on TV. Yeah, I’m thinking of you, Lifetime’s “Dance Moms.”
Good point. But do the ants ever do an inappropriate fan dance with their young?
Combining the GoPilot AND the Sauna pants might work out pretty good…in fact, add the bieber brushbuddy in there and you got yourself a party!
That sounds like a party…in hell.
True. Own any of those items and you’re halfway there!
I hereby invite you to join me in celebrating Thanksgiving on the Canadian date. You can have all the turkey and stuffing you want and absolutely nothing to do but nap after. It is inevitable that your Thanksgiving will indeed become Black Friday Eve.
Thank you for the invite. It brings great comfort. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and it pisses me off when Christmas/commercialism intrudes. I just want to eat until my stomach explodes and hang out with the people I love. Is that too much to ask, maker of the portable urinal?
Haha, I love all your little captions!! 😛
I think I could have a career in advertising.
I wholeheartedly agree.
I am almost ashamed to say that I didn’t even know about Black Friday until a few years ago – almost.
I think it’s way better to never know of its existence.
When you said you were going to wait outside and pitch a tent, I thought you meant you were going to watch people shop while you had a mega boner.
Wait, DID you mean that?
That is what I meant. Was I not clear?
THIRD LEG!
Here in New York, we’re veteran line waiters, but this is just line waiting lunacy. If I can’t buy something on line in the span of five minutes, I can’t be bothered. I think I invested no more than half an hour doing all of my holiday shopping at my computer last year. Of course, I did screw up when I realized after arriving in the SF Bay Area that I forget to get Thurber, my sister’s dog, his toy. Therefore, I had to race out to the Marin County Target, find something for him, settle on a plastic squeaky duck (that looked a lot like the Roadrunner), endure a clerk that was hitting on me while talking in a duck voice that compelled me to slip him my number, 1-800-LESBIAN, then race back to her house in snail slow moving traffic. I blew an hour of my life on the dog’s toy and on Xmas day, of course, he was very meh about it. The year before I took three minutes to get him Mr. Bill on Amazon and that scored a huge hit. Moral of story, buy online if only to avoid getting hit on by the wrong gender speaking fluent quack.
The duck voice is a sure-fire pick-up strategy regardless of gender. I think I saw Mystery use it on that Pick Up Artist reality show, and it made me feel as if I were actually wearing sauna pants.
I also buy online because shopping crushes the little light I have left.
I had no idea that there is a Pick Up Artist reality show. That is why I need you in my life.
I feel like there is so much we can teach other. Duck voices, fantastic reality show people…Should we open some kind of learning center?
Yes! Students must take a lack of intelligence test to see if they qualify to attend.
I think the funniest thing about BF is that many stores nowadays don’t have great deals! I worked at Victoria’s secret two years ago and their sales were just normal sales! The semi-annual sale was WAY better!
And I have a friend who used to work on the geek squad at Best Buy. And she said that waiting for Best Buy deals isn’t worth it. Their deals aren’t that great either!
But I definitely need that palm tree…
The palm tree is a super-duper deal. I think the only way I would go out on Black Friday is if some retailer was selling the actual fountain of youth for $1.99.