Huey Lewis was Right

I do not take nearly enough drugs as the TV tells me I should take. It seems like every commercial is either that horrible Target lady in a track suit or a pharmaceutical drug that I should be consulting my doctor about.

I have many medical problems–most of them are the result of my daily exposure to the Today show. My legs get all restlessly, I find it impossible to get it up and my face creases when I show expression. I clearly need to do something about this, and refraining from watching the Today show is NOT an option–890% of my posts are about the Today show. I also need a pill that will help me improve in math.

I don’t remember there being a ton of pharmaceutical drug commercials when I was a kid. Then I took a Donepezil® and remembered that the FDA made the big change in 1997 that allowed drug companies to bring their wonderful message to TV–with the big side effects caveat. By the way, the Donepezil® caused some drowsiness, diarrhea and restless leg syndrome, but then I took a Sinemet® to quell the restlessness and that caused confusion and dry mouth so I took another Donepezil® and the cycle continued for 16 hours.

I have narrowed down my pharmaceutical choices to three, and have included their ads. I would like you to help me make my decision for me. That is the Cymbalta® talking. It also made me constipated and suffer from oversharing.

The first is Latisse®. Latisse® treats hypotrichosis, which is a made-up word for “not enough eyelashes.”

The thing is I DO plan to use my eyes for vision…otherwise this one is pretty good.

My next choice is Pristiq®, which will help me deal with the depression I feel whenever Matt Lauer opens his mouth.

I am a fan of dolls, but not of nausea…otherwise not bad.

Then there’s Ambien®, which I need to help me sleep when my usual routine of hitting myself with a hammer fails.

I love roosters, but hate insomnia especially if a rooster is present–I’m complex like that.

Pick your favorite in the comments area. Important side effects of leaving a comment are:

1) dry mouth

2) finger fatigue

3) uncontrollable urge to pee


    1. You should take a Zofran. That may cause blurred vision, shallow breathing and an uncontrollable urge to watch the Adam Sandler movie “You Don’t Mess with Zohan.”

      1. Aw gee, thanks guys! This may cause me to have a swelled head and will require me to get a prescription for a Dyazide.

        It truly means a lot that bloggers I respect think I should be freshly pressed.

  1. Those are hilarious! My dad always likes to say that those commercials should have to show the actors actually having the side effects listed, especially diarrhea and vomiting. I think I like the Ambien the best because going blind scares me and dolls are just creepy! I remember an episode of Buffy about a ventriliquist and his doll that would prove my point. Go with the Ambien and hopefully you won’t remember and the status updates will be funny.

  2. Pristiq. No question. There is no competition. I always vote for anything that includes dolls that might potentially attack someone, but that’s just me.

    That Target lady commercial has been haunting me for weeks. My husband can’t even turn on the TV at night or I’ll start having seizures when it inevitably comes on. Is there a drug that can help me with this?

  3. I think you were a little hasty in “just saying no” to Latisse. Why limit yourself by only using your eyes for vision? Use them as eyelash holders instead!

  4. As a very masculine man, I already use Latisse to thicken my lashes- much more important than actually seeing things. I do take the Pristiq (a concoction of ground up pristine antiques) which makes a little antique doll out of me, but since dolls (and antiques) make me sh*t my pants, I take Ambien to sleep soundly in my own feces.

  5. omg. i was just listening to the tv last night and some pharm ad came on. i heard the side affects and thought – i have that. what is the drug??? oh, wait. those are the affects of the drug. shit. i’m screwed. secondly – do the latisse. do you REALLY need to see? you can always listen to the today show. plus, i really want latisse and i would like to be blind with someone i kind of know from cyberspace. AND, lastly – if this is not on freshly pressed then they apparently have diarrhea. i will shut up now.

      1. Aw shucks….that’s very nice of you to say. I originally wanted to say “i don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it” ala Lucille Bluth, but I’m just verklempt by the comment so I’m going to shoot more Cymbalta into my eyeball.

    1. It really isn’t the same just listening to Matt Lauer. Sometimes he wears glasses when he is attempting to appear smart, sometimes he wears sunglasses when he wants to look cool. I would miss out on so much.. . well, mainly those two things.

  6. Life in the Boomer Lane told me to read your column, and because I had taken Pristiq, I wisely obeyed! I LOVE this post!! Seriously laughed out loud — but I have to add that since the Enlightened Ones at the FDA decided to allow pharmaceutical companies to advertise directly to the consumer in 1997, drug usage has soared by 400%, and drug prices have blown up like a balloon (unless you are taking bloat-reducing Prilosec). If we could change this ONE thing in our healthcare system I predict it would reduce healthcare costs AND make our TV-watching a lot less likely to cause acid reflux. THANKS and I’m going to read you always!!

  7. I was started on Lithobid, a form of lithium (because I’m bipolar – yay me!!) and didn’t understand why I had 2 weeks of diarrhea at first. Seriously. It took me that long to figure it out. He told me I would have dry mouth and pee more but so what. What’s peeing more than every 15 minutes? I’ll get a laptop and do my work there?

    P.S. My son was on the Today show a couple years ago. I bet you saw him. I feel like we know each other now.

  8. All of these are so sexy! Imaging drinking gallons and gallons of water because everytime you try to make out with someone you have dry mouth and that cotton shit that sticks in the corners of your mouth…then you realize that you are about to shit your pants…or have you already? You have to excuse yourself from your date and while ruining that toilet you realize that you had mistaken your horny pill with your Ambien. After about an hour your date walks in to the bathroom to see you passed out on the floor with your pants around your ankles and a broken toilet…

  9. It seems like there would be a logical equation when it comes to solving any problem. If a ‘solution’ contains more ‘problems’ – even as occasional side effects, is it actually a solution? Pharmaceutical commercials make the most awesome waste of time and money so delightfully amusing! My absolute favorite is the Lunesta advert with the giant luna moth hallucinations.

  10. I don’t know any of those. I’m on the lookout for that blue pill that make it so you can drill a football right through a swinging tire. Because I’ve never been athletic.

  11. Life int he Boomer Lane linked me to you. I’m staying, good stuff. Btw, I’ll take mechanical dolls over blind zombies or roosters crapping in my bed.

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