Santa Claus is Kind of a Dick

I’m not a big fan of St. Nick and his twinkling dimples and his obvious cocaine addiction (Visit all of the homes in the world in one night? Yeah, that’s the cocaine talking). But what really cemented my dislike for the jolly red-suited jerk was the way he behaved in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 

I loved that show as a kid and looked forward to seeing it air around Christmas time. I then saw it as an adult, and discovered the truth about Santa: He is kind of a dick.

He does not have the best reaction when catches sight of Rudolph without the prosthetic brown nose Donner makes him wear.

The subtext is clear: you better be a conformist brown-noser. This opens up the poor little reindeer to taunts and ridicule and his expulsion from all the reindeer games. Sure, Rudolph resembles the patient from the Operation board game, but it’s just a shiny red nose. It looks just like Santa’s after a trip to the bathroom.

Santa does nothing to discourage the bullying, and in fact seems to hold the worldview of “brown nose good, red nose bad.”

So what choice does Rudolph have, but to leave the home he’s only known and travel to New York City where differences are not just accepted, they’re completely ignored.

He meets Ratso Rizzo with the hope that Ratso can help him become a hustler. He meets up with Hermey who has also been ostracized for his unwillingness to work in Santa’s sweatshop.

Together the two travel to the Island of Misfit Toys where toys that did not meet Santa’s standards are sent to die. You know who Santa’s beginning to sound like right? Yeah, I’m going to say it…Martha Stewart. She is a dick.

Rudolph ekes out a living in the wilderness and a few months later decides to return home. He arrives in the middle of a blizzard. Santa is flipping out that he won’t be able to perform his one-day a year job, and talks about canceling Christmas Eve. Santa then has a brilliant idea.

So everything is now hunky dory because the freak reindeer can actually be useful. Great message, Santa. Well done.

Don’t even get me started on the whole naughty-or-nice nonsense especially since Santa’s character judgment is a bit sketchy. Oh, and a piece of coal for those who are naughty? Yeah, how did you get that coal Santa? Removed a few mountaintops in West Virginia? Next you will be doling out vials of hydrofracked wastewater.

It’s going to be generic hydrox cookies this year, buddy.


  1. Ahhhh! I love it! Ratso Rizzo made me laugh out loud! So many hilarious lines and observations in here. St. Dick always used to scare the crap out of me in this movie, too. I never could put a finger on why until I read this.

    One thing that I always sort of picked up on a kid is that Hermey seemed a bit, um, flamboyant. I wondered if the other elves picked up on that and used the dentist thing as an excuse to ostracize him.

  2. You know how you’re writing something and giggling because it’s so wrong but you have to write it? Yeah, you were.
    Did you ever consider that Santa actually fathered Rudolph and was so embarrassed by his crack-baby love child that he almost pulled a murder-suicide on the entire reindeer line up? Oh wait, did I cross the line?

    1. I don’t think you crossed the line…I think you came up with greatest backstory in cinematic history. If I had any idea how to do claymation I would make a prequel to Rudolph using this as the story line.

    1. What you can do is dye your beard white, and you and Gilly can recreate a live action version of this as your next blog post. That would be the greatest post of all time.

  3. Hilarious! Those captions had me laughing so hard, my daughter came running over to see why I was choking. I had to shield her eyes from the horror. That show scared the crap outta me even as a kid. Why must you be so mean, Santa–why?! Crack-addict-homophobe-Santa-dick, indeed.

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