Huey Lewis was Right

I do not take nearly enough drugs as the TV tells me I should take. It seems like every commercial is either that horrible Target lady in a track suit or a pharmaceutical drug that I should be consulting my doctor about.

I have many medical problems–most of them are the result of my daily exposure to the Today show. My legs get all restlessly, I find it impossible to get it up and my face creases when I show expression. I clearly need to do something about this, and refraining from watching the Today show is NOT an option–890% of my posts are about the Today show. I also need a pill that will help me improve in math.

I don’t remember there being a ton of pharmaceutical drug commercials when I was a kid. Then I took a Donepezil® and remembered that the FDA made the big change in 1997 that allowed drug companies to bring their wonderful message to TV–with the big side effects caveat. By the way, the Donepezil® caused some drowsiness, diarrhea and restless leg syndrome, but then I took a Sinemet® to quell the restlessness and that caused confusion and dry mouth so I took another Donepezil® and the cycle continued for 16 hours.

I have narrowed down my pharmaceutical choices to three, and have included their ads. I would like you to help me make my decision for me. That is the Cymbalta® talking. It also made me constipated and suffer from oversharing.

The first is Latisse®. Latisse® treats hypotrichosis, which is a made-up word for “not enough eyelashes.”

The thing is I DO plan to use my eyes for vision…otherwise this one is pretty good.

My next choice is Pristiq®, which will help me deal with the depression I feel whenever Matt Lauer opens his mouth.

I am a fan of dolls, but not of nausea…otherwise not bad.

Then there’s Ambien®, which I need to help me sleep when my usual routine of hitting myself with a hammer fails.

I love roosters, but hate insomnia especially if a rooster is present–I’m complex like that.

Pick your favorite in the comments area. Important side effects of leaving a comment are:

1) dry mouth

2) finger fatigue

3) uncontrollable urge to pee

In case I die before you read this. . .

The Internet is neat with its social networking (stalking) capabilities, series of tubes, weblogs (aka blogs), emoticons, Nigerian princes.

It has this:

But the ability to access information about virtually anything does have its downsides…especially if you are a hypochondriac who frequently enters symptoms into a Google search engine. The results are never fun. . . cancer . . . Lyme disease. . . chronic wasting disease. . . restless leg syndrome.

I am one of these persons who enters symptoms into a Google search engine. I did it today. I have this weird rash on the inside of my elbow. It looks like this:

I have a very short arm. That's why the inside of my elbow is next to my wrist.

 

 

I think it’s a rash from a bug bite…or cellulitis. . . or cancer. It’s cellulitis, I know it’s cellulitis or possibly the ebola virus. . . it’s cellulitis. For those who don’t frequently enter symptoms into a Google search engine and peruse medical websites, cellulitis is a common, potentially serious bacterial skin infection. It can $%@!*^#! turn into flesh-eating strep. Thanks Mayo Clinic.

How do you know you have it?  The rash is red. Okay, is it tender or warm? No. Well then it’s probably not cellulitis. Wait–it feels warm now. Why are you rubbing at it? I was just seeing if it was warm and now it is. It feels really tender too. That’s probably because you can’t seem to stop touching it. You don’t have a fever, right? No. Okay, and it’s not painful to touch? No. Okay, well it’s probably just a rash from a bug—I’m feeling kind of feverish now. Ow. Ow..okay this hurts now. That’s because you’re pinching the skin. I would stop that.  Ow…I need to lie down. That’s good, that’s good. That gets you away from the laptop. Wait–I need to check one thing. *furiously types* it’s not cellulitis. Oh good, I was really worried you were going off the deep—it’s Lyme Disease. I have Lyme Disease. How did you come to that conclusion? It’s red.

And on it goes until I’ve diagnosed myself with mesothelioma, a lung disease one gets from exposure to asbestos.

That’s crazy…

I probably have cellulitis. My arm feels like it’s on fire..or kinda warm. It feels warmish and a little itchy…actually mostly itchy…like a bug bite.

It’s probably from a tsetse fly.

Since I’m clearly dying, I’m going to bequeath a few things:

to It Happens Every Day: my drawings of the Most Eligible: Dallas horse (there’s more than one!!)

to Not Quite Old: I pass the responsibility of blogging about the 2012 presidential election. I promise it will be awesome.

to Best Bathroom Books: my encyclopedia of What Woman Want. It’s actually the script to the Mel Gibson movie, but it will help you further your cause of blowing people’s minds.

to The Happy Logophile: my collection of Stephanie Meyer memorabilia. You will need an extra room

to Kim Pugliano: my Bachelor Pad Kasey to English dictionary.

I feel better now….well my arm is kinda tender.

 

 

 

 

Please don’t make me make a decision on whether I suffer from decision fatigue

While deciding whether I have the will to cook dinner or instead earn my nutrients by sucking down glass after glass of wine (grapes, antioxidants, cork protein), I came across this NY Times Magazine article. It made me appreciate the “job” of Larry King’s replacement, Ozzela Osborne and Rubber Glovehead on the show America’s Unemployed Should Be Put to Work in Different Manner. I had cruelly dismissed the show as somewhat non exciting and the end of America in this post that I accessed several times from my iPad to get my viewing count up (4 views, yo).

But I give them props (the kids still say that, right?). These people/mannequins had to sit through a bunch of acts and then make a decision, and making a bunch of decisions can lead you to impulsive acts like buying a shake weight or cutting yourself off from reality altogether, according to people who study stuff and coin new syndromes (see restless leg syndrome). They conducted experiments and had people who shopped at a mall (people still do that?) stick their hands in lukewarm water to see who would pee themselves first, I may not be entirely accurate in my reading, but the heavy shoppers peed sooner than the ones who didn’t have to make choices between which horrible Kim Karzdigiohsiishain KBebe koutfit to buy. And they peed faster because their will to live had been sapped by the suck of consumerism fatigue the comes from making tons of decisions about  meaningless material items that were made by Indonesian fetuses.

This explains a lot. This explains why I was willing to use a cardboard box as a car seat because I could not make a decision between the 123,078 varieties out there while consulting childcare books that informed me if I made the wrong decision, I was basically committing infanticide. This explains why I spent many years at a job that I hated because I didn’t want to put in the necessary decision-making to change the course of my life. This explains why I was watching America’s Got Talent.

But at least now I have something to blame it on like when I can’t come up with an original ending for a blog post–that’s my decision fatigue, brother.