FDA

Huey Lewis was Right

I do not take nearly enough drugs as the TV tells me I should take. It seems like every commercial is either that horrible Target lady in a track suit or a pharmaceutical drug that I should be consulting my doctor about.

I have many medical problems–most of them are the result of my daily exposure to the Today show. My legs get all restlessly, I find it impossible to get it up and my face creases when I show expression. I clearly need to do something about this, and refraining from watching the Today show is NOT an option–890% of my posts are about the Today show. I also need a pill that will help me improve in math.

I don’t remember there being a ton of pharmaceutical drug commercials when I was a kid. Then I took a Donepezil® and remembered that the FDA made the big change in 1997 that allowed drug companies to bring their wonderful message to TV–with the big side effects caveat. By the way, the Donepezil® caused some drowsiness, diarrhea and restless leg syndrome, but then I took a Sinemet® to quell the restlessness and that caused confusion and dry mouth so I took another Donepezil® and the cycle continued for 16 hours.

I have narrowed down my pharmaceutical choices to three, and have included their ads. I would like you to help me make my decision for me. That is the Cymbalta® talking. It also made me constipated and suffer from oversharing.

The first is Latisse®. Latisse® treats hypotrichosis, which is a made-up word for “not enough eyelashes.”

The thing is I DO plan to use my eyes for vision…otherwise this one is pretty good.

My next choice is Pristiq®, which will help me deal with the depression I feel whenever Matt Lauer opens his mouth.

I am a fan of dolls, but not of nausea…otherwise not bad.

Then there’s Ambien®, which I need to help me sleep when my usual routine of hitting myself with a hammer fails.

I love roosters, but hate insomnia especially if a rooster is present–I’m complex like that.

Pick your favorite in the comments area. Important side effects of leaving a comment are:

1) dry mouth

2) finger fatigue

3) uncontrollable urge to pee