Okay here’s what’s happenin’.
I’ve been forced into a blogging duel by a maniacal clown.
This, apparently, is me:
You realize there is no possible way to say no to a clown. That’s why they continue to perform at children’s birthday parties even though everyone hates them.
I’m ‘spose to square off against a team assembled by a half-man/half-dog, at least I think that’s what he is. And the “great” thing is the reader gets to choose what I write about. Awesome, right? Except what if some “funny” guy says “Write about butt plugs.” That’s offensive to my lady sense-a-ma-stuff.
Oh wait. . . I write about butt plugs all the time. I might actually win that one.
But what if the “funny” guy says “Write about poetry” or “Write about your feelings” for christ’s sake! I don’t do emotion. I bottle that shit up until it pours out my orifices like wastewater treatment plant sludge.
So this is where I need your help. Go comment on Le Clown’s blog and give me some workable topics, i.e. topics I’ve already written about so I can just plagiarize an old blog post.
Here is an acceptable list:
- turds
- fleece unitards
I realize now that Alexander Hamilton lost in that duel with Aaron Burr. This does not bode well.
Addendum: My fellow duel mate Madame Weebles made me this medal to acknowledge the sacrifices my brain has made in processing the garbled sentences contained inside Fifty Shats of Grey.
To honor her, I plan on using someone else’s brain to write a post that will kick some serious down there in the upcoming duel.
Speaker7 
Speaker7,
I lawled so hard I turded my unitard. My butt plug could not save my arse on fire.
Le Clown
Words that could have come directly from my teenage son’s mouth. I feel right at home.
Carrie,
I am expecting a topic from you. You’re welcome.
Le Clown
Oh, I gave you one. But you might not be proud of me for it.
Maybe what could save one’s arse on fire could be a topic?
No one can say you don’t like a challenge! I just checked out Le Clown’s page and judging from what I see there so far you will dominate (see all that recrapping paid off).
Michelle,
You came. You liked. You haven’t suggested a topic. I’m crying. From the inside. Clown make-up is expensive.
Le Clown
Wow! A guilt trip from Le Clown. I had better come up with something…
Michelle,
Le Clown is ALL class.
Le Clown
I’m going to head there in a sec and see if there’s anything I need to emphatically vote down like daisies or kittens.
I suggested “Facebook” because it goes hand-in-hand with buttplugs.
Fair point, well . . .yeah.
Emily – good topic.
Alice – One of my fav Fifty Shades quotes, and by fav, I mean I want to stick a knife in my temple.
Be comforted, Speaker7. Alexander Hamilton was a fox. A seriously handsome dude. Thre is a statue of him behind the US Treasury building in DC that I used to go to when I was young and single. Enough said. But so you can see that I wasn’t just lusting after any old dead guy, here’s a link to a picture: http://www.schillerinstitute.org/lar_related/2012/images/roots_usa/alexander_hamilton.jpg
A serious fox.
What Elyse says is true. That’s why Hamilton is one of my Hot Dead Guys.
I am delighted to not be alone in my lusting for dead guys. You make me feel less freakish, Madame.
I have a whole section on my blog devoted to Hot Dead Guys. You are not alone!
OK, another blog to start reading. Sigh. But it sounds like great fun. Because the live heros are so passe.
Whoa. I’m going to spend some time looking at a $10 bill. Nice.
That picture does not do him justice. The statue is, well, larger than life!
WTF WordPress with Freshly Pressed. Maybe something about how they are Nazis (except in certain obvious cases, of course).
Ah yes, the randomness of Freshly Pressed. That is great. Maybe it could be more like “This is my Freshly Pressed post” and then I could post photos of tomatoes with a recipe for tomato slices.
They do seem to be strangely into recipes and pictures of food. Maybe you could combine it with another commenter’s suggestion and make organic vaginal balls out of various fruits.
I’m pretty sure they only freshly press those posts because they’re hungry. It’s kinda like what happens when you go grocery shopping and you’re starving. I’ll bet the wordpress editors all weigh eighty pounds. Combined. That would explain a lot.
Speaker7, I saw that post this morning and immediately thought, “What?! Speaker7 and Madame Weebles against two other bloggers? This is a gimme.” Now, what’d be interesting is if you and Madame Weebles faced off. I’d pay for that, actually.
That would be quite the challenge, one that would require me at full-brain capacity. Thanks to Fifty Shades and Bachelor Pad, I’m at .003-brain capacity.
But based on that avatar alone, butt plugs and everything else will prove no match against you. I feel you’ve seen the dark side, speaker. I know you’ll prevail.