Fuck, Ladies

I’m currently watching the premiere of the latest Bachelor. Some guy–let’s call him Chip? Sure, why not–is humbled that all these ladies have turned up to humilate themselves to win his rose heart.

The limo is like a clown limo. At least 300 to 4,000 ladies plop out and try to make an impression by being lamer than the last.

One gal lips up and plants a smooch on his pancake-make-up-covered face. Another pulls a used snot rag out of her cleavage and wipes it off. Another is like “I’m a Cosmo article,” mentions Fifty Shades of Shart and pulls a blue–BLUE–tie out of her butt. Someone has a profession called “personal organizer.” Another does a backflip and almost breaks her elbow. Another calls herself an entrepreneur.

One 1.5-armed gal says this is exactly how she envisioned falling in love. Another has a football because Cosmo told her men like sports, and she uses it as a prop to gaze at his bung hole.

Some woman voice-overs that she’s going to pee her pants. Some lady is that 25-year-old who is really 35. Another shows up in a wedding dress and gah.

Someone suggested I should recap the latest Bachelor.

This is my recap: Fuck, ladies.

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83 comments

  1. You see, these ladies DO read. Cosmo and 50 Shades – wait, that’s like the reverse of reading. Makes sense. The wedding dress one is classic. Nothing says total desperation like showing up in a wedding gown.

    They do realize there’s, like, other guys besides that one? It’s like all the women waiting for that one book (Twilight, 50 Shades) when there’s a fucking library full. Ugh.

  2. & this is exactly why I won’t watch shows like that. No offense to any people who really get into them. None. Whatsoever.

  3. Here’s what I’m wondering…have any marriages ever evolved out of this show? I’m not talkin’ 20 day marriages, but real, hard-core marriages that result in kids and a mortgage? If not, then why is this shit still on the tee vee??

    1. Sorry for your sickness. Even in an illness haze, you are so right on. I think daytime TV was partly to blame for me going batshit crazy after my son was born.

  4. I think I watched the show for 5 minutes once because a friend of a friend was on it. She said everyone took it so seriously. Thanks for the recent recap. Certainly don’t have to waste my time on that one!

  5. I think you make all this up. There’s no “Bachelor,” no “50 Shades” books.

    I really hope that is how she’d “always imagined falling in love.” A little 7-year-old girl, dreaming of being on a televised competition which is manipulated to maximize melodrama, and conniving to sabotage other little girls and eventually triumph in competition to marry a man she doesn’t know.

  6. Last night was lovely, neither too warm nor too cool. I took a long walk with a delightful fellow lesbian on the storybooked streets of wonderful Manhattan island. We saw a big pile of horse shit near the gutter. From your description that sight was infinitely superior to that entire 18-day long episode of The Bachelor.

  7. This is the only way I “watch” these shows. If Speaker7 recraps a show I am knowledgeable enough to have a conversation about it. I thank God for Speaker7 continually biting the bullet and recrapping the hell out of anything I would not read or watch. There should be a medal for what she does.

  8. If you really want to take one for the team (that would be us, your loyal readers) — try watching “Baggage.” My teens had it on last night and I wanted to blow up the TV. In fact, good idea! Why do we allow even the possibility of this IQ_decreasing crap into our heads??? (of course, the kids loved it — they were laughing uncontrollably) … sigh.

  9. Recently, I saw a show in which four guys, all members of royal families from different countries, moved to small town, USA and posed as regular people. (You know, getting jobs, dressing themselves, brushing their own teeth…) They each hoped to find a woman who would love them for themselves, not for their money and palaces. I hate to admit it, but I watched all four episodes.

  10. Gah! Where are these women? Here I am having to make to do with Doctoral candidates who read Thoreau and Whitman in their spare time when there are quality babes like this out there on the market! where can i meet them!!

  11. I watched a few minutes of it and thought, “Jesus H.” I had no idea it was now de rigeur to skank yourself up and degrade and humiliate yourself for the chance of swapping bodily fluids with some himbo who’s also swapping bodily fluids with 24 other skanks. Kids today, you know?

  12. I literally watched The Bachelor for the first time EVER on Hulu the other day. I watched a show all the way through, and auto-play was turned on, and it came on while I was in the other room, and I kinda got sucked into the episode.

    I don’t understand any of it. A guy who seems like a robot, and women who are out of their fucking minds.

    I’ll probably end up a devotee.

  13. I heard some interview on NPR the other day about how “reality” shows are completely manufactured: scripted, directed, etc. So that means there’s a bunch of guys telling these ladies how to act for ratings and viewers in the 18-34 male demographic. Have you watched MissRepresentation? Do.
    http://www.missrepresentation.org

  14. I cannot understand why you are all so upset about The Bachelor. If I had a son, I’d want nothing more that to have him go on this show to marry an eccentric, delusional slut, especially one who could pull a blue tie out of her butt.

  15. Ooh I’m so glad you’re recapping it for me. So much more interesting than actually watching it. I can’t solely because of my mother. The incessantly commenting and questions would make you think I produced the show and was actually a contestant on it because I’m supposed to know all the ladies and who “won” when I literally walked in 5 mins before the show ends. Sheesh.

  16. I will definitely read the recraps because this show is too cringe inducing to watch personally for my person. Is this the no sex bachelor? That’s a nice twist as opposed to past guys who were fucking all the girls at the same time in line or something. I haven’t seen an entire episode for years but the last one I saw the guy was doing all of them.

    Crap. This is icky.

    Thank you once again for takin’ it for the team.

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