Vocal Fry on Parade

Every woman speaks in vocal fry. Every woman trying to win Bland’s rose heart on The Bachelor. Every woman.

“Errrr myyyyyy gawrrdddd. I lurvveeeeee Blandrowrlllllllll. He is errrrrrrrgrowllllllll”

If you don’t know what vocal fry is, go listen to Kim Kardashian speak for three seconds and then hit yourself in the face with a baseball bat. It’s something the young of our kind do, and I would rather rub jalapeno juice in my eyes then listen to it.

But here I am listening to two hours of it–well, one hour and 15 minutes of it, and it’s highly likely I will not make it through the end of the second episode.

After last week’s talentless show, it is now date time. Sarah–she of the one arm–is picked to go on the coveted one-on-one date. The other ladies “awwww” this because they think she poses as much of a threat as a woman pursuing a doctorate in aeronautical engineering. Bland throws her off a building. Her scream sounds like she has a kazoo lodged in her larnyx. She’s actually attached to a harness and then she says “That-growl was soooooo-rrrrrr amazing–gerrrrrrrr?” Bland smiles blandly at her.

The next date card arrives: Jujee. (*Squee!*) Sammy (*Whoo!*) Boo-Boo Child (*Grrrr!*) Booby (*Jiggle!*) Tamayarayra (*Pop-pop!*) KaitlyNn (*WhoMp!*) Lala (*Tinky-Wink!*) Jacket (*pfft*) Vacantie (*…!*) Vaginalflap (*flop!*) Lindsaysey (*drunk!*) Random (*who?*) Token African-American (*Civil Rights!*) and 40 other names are read. Everyone is very excited and/or drunk.

They arrive at a castle. Bland stands blandly on a balcony. The date is a photoshoot for the “greatest romance stuff” Bland says. He might have said something else, but I got distracted by breathing. They will take pictures for the latest box of Grape Nuts Cereal. Some dress up as grapes, some as nuts and even more as the twigs that actually make up a bowl of Grape Nuts. Oh, it is Harlequin romance book covers. My idea is better.

Posey-pose. Grope. Kiss. Oily bodies. Bland.

Some shrieking thing grabs his crotch and says 3,458 times that she is a model. Others say “This is-growllll succcchhhhhh-errrrrrrr and amazzzzzing-errrrrrrrrr stuff?” Bland likes to stare blankly and smile more blankly.

Bland blandly invites them back for a pool party. The pool is full of slighly sour tapioca pudding. The women vocal fry at each other and drink and try to get kissy-face time. There are “connections” and “deep feelings” that one can only get from competing with 25,000 other females for the tongue of a blahville dude.

Another one-on-one date. Some random girl sadly says “It’s myyyyy-errrrr birrrthhhhdayyyy-growl?” so she hopes to get the date. She doesn’t. He asks someone else named ??–let’s call her Void. They go to a garage that has been “transformed” into an “art” “gallery.” See Bland is all about senses of humors, and wants to see if Void has one so “he” sets up a prank in the style of Scare Tactics, which is show I actually enjoy on Syfy. The Bachelor ruins Scare Tactics by designing the lamest prank in the world. A piece of “art” falls, and void gets blamed for it. Bwhhahahhhahahah!!!!

Is this show over yet?

Nope.

More vocal fry. More clenching of buttocks to avoid public farting. More “I hate-rrrrrr herrrrrrrr because-growlll” and then roses are handed out.

Some women don’t get any and that’ssssss—grrrrrrr a bummerrrrrrrrrrgrowl.

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61 comments

  1. I’m amazed that you’ve made it through two episodes! I watched a friend watch it once and was banished from the room for making accurate comments about the show. I haven’t watched anyone watch is since. So I’m glad that now I don’t have to because I can just read the accurate re-cap here and know I didn’t miss anything.

  2. Based on this, I almost wanted to watch the show. Then, I read it again, and thought, are you stupid? Speaker 7 is wargrrrrrring you. Personally, I vote they rename the contestants the names you’ve given out–they sound much more entertaining.

  3. Hahahahaha! Pictures for the latest box of Grape Nuts! If I was drinking something at the moment I read that, I would have surly spit it all over my computer! Then I would have had to explain that to my bosses – so I am glad I wasn’t.

    1. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if you had Grape Nuts in your mouth when you read that and then you spit it out all over your computer and somehow Bland knew and then you guys fell in lurrrrrvvvvveeeee becaussserrrrr you-growllllllllll have-errrrrr a connection-grrrrrrrr…brain hurtzzzzzz

  4. I tried to watch so that I could mock it, but no such luck. I admire your fortitude to be able to keep up with the show without falling asleep and maintaining your intelligence.

  5. I’m still waiting for the part where they hang all the girls upside down by tenderhooks and let bland choose the best cut of meat. That would be so much faster. Except Bland would probably get all confused and his brain would short circuit and they’d have to bring in another bland and start the whole thing over. Nevermind.

  6. Okay, this is only marginally related: We just watched a documentary called The Queen Of Versailles – it’s about a husband and wife building a 90,000 sq. ft. house in Florida and then the economy goes south. It starts off very reality show, with lots of “Oh my God” gawking out how gross and out of touch they are, but as they struggle through losing their wealth their personalities come through more in-depth. They’re still who they are, and they aren’t necessarily likable, but it’s like a reality show that’s willing to go a little deeper. It’s very, very good.

  7. All the idiotic teenage girls at Taco Bell were talking like that last night. I got to the point where if I heard “Oh my goooooood” one more time I was going to fling my nachos at them. But I didn’t, because nachos are good.

    Stupid bitches.

  8. After I read your re-craps, I always ask myself, “Self, do you think Speaker7 is attempting an excruciatingly measured form of suicide? Are her re-craps a cry for help?”

    We’re all here for you. Speak to us.

  9. I was just talking about this (I was clearly speaking, NOT VOCAL-FRYING) to someone the other day. How so many young women do this kind of thing and it’s like fingernails scratching on a chalkboard while listening to that disjointed jazz music that some people say is cool. I don’t get either one and frankly, I worry about your sanity, absorbing this, S7. If you find your voice breaking, then take a break from it. Seriously, don’t go over to the Vocal-fry side — you’ve been warned.

  10. This post—actually, all of your posts—are why I love you so, Speaker7. The vocal fry drives me apeshit and the skanks on the Bachelor make me want to puncture my ear drums (or hit myself with a baseball bat, either one) so I don’t have to listen to it. I predict that in a few years, 20-something women all over the country will be suffering from vocal cords that are scarred beyond repair because of this ridiculous speech affectation. The scar tissue will render them all mute. This is my prediction, as well as my fervent hope.

  11. Thanks for the recap – I think I have the gist of the episode without ever seeing a single one! The takeaway is that these women all have the hots for a dork and have been inflicted with some terrible speech disorder – right?

    1. You don’t know what you’re missing. Apparently this show was an “amazing journey” full of “deep connections” and “this was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me”.

  12. Being informed about what is apparently pop culture. . . or. . . something that is still airing, so people must be watching, I guess. . .

    Well, anyway, it’s so much better than making any attempt to understand it myself. You make an excellent translator for people who have never actually watched a single episode of this godawful crap.

    And, yes, your Grape Nuts idea was so much better.

    1. You don’t understand the goldmine you have before you. Do you realize you can introduce yourself as Sarrrrrrraaaawwwwwweerrrrrrrrrr? That is the quintessential name to pronounce using vocal fry.

  13. I watched one episode of The Bachelor, and I think his name was Ben? Who cares, they’re all dumbasses with the same Surfer-meets-Bieber hairdo. He was sad because he felt like he had a special connection with all of them women. At the end I saw he dismissed the first girl to be released. Wait…one night together and he had a special connection? Back in the day we used to call that BEING A PLAYER.

    Some of these women make me sad. Like, I want to adopt them and show them what dignity means.

  14. I think I’m finally over my reality TV show interest, like, completely. (Like, OMG, like, totally.)

    Oh wait. American Idol doesn’t count, does it? And what about The Voice?

  15. Ok, so right now I am actually watching The Bachelor (and breathing) and I wanted to educate my boyman on vocal fry since I learned something new. I ended up reading your blog post out loud to him and it was awesome. I deserve a Tony. And my throat hurts from all that growling.

  16. I cannot believe that people (females) like this actually live and breathe, but then there’s the TV show to prove it. You must have the ability to tune-out high pitched sounds as you watch these shows. These re-caps are so true it’s like my ears hurt just reading them.

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