I have been asked to participate in a local variety show that will have its premiere in April.
This is kind of great especially since I made one of my New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”
Nearly there, reader, nearly there.
I have three months to figure out just what the fuck I’m going to do. This is where you come in.
It’s difficult because I have so many talents, I’m not sure which one I should highlight. #humblebrag
This actually is not true, but it is very similar to something a college boyfriend once said to me after I confided my fear in never finding a career post-college because I couldn’t do anything. He commiserated by confiding he was so good at so many things, he didn’t know what he should do. #horribleproblems
That’s almost as good as when my post-college boyfriend told me I’d “be so cute, if (I) just ate salads.” #luckilyIdidn’tmarryeither
So I am a bit apprehensive about this upcoming show. I do have some theater experience. In ninth grade, I played the pivotal role in a high school production of Romeo and Juliet–Peter, the nurse’s page. I wore a tunic that made me resemble a potato, said “Anon” like nobody’s business and stood really still except for those times I was directed to sit. I sit really well. #braggartpotato
Here are some of my ideas. I’m hoping you can give me some direction in the comments.
- Reenact the dance I did to Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ in the sixth grade talent show.
- Ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Hugo will not move his lips while I speak.
Oh. What are you doing?
Okay. So I guess that’s out.
- Watch TV
- Wow people with my ability to be the only person who doesn’t know what the fuck “gangnam style” is.
- Eat slices of provolone cheese at 10 at night.
What do you think? #everyvarietyshowhasoneterribleact
Speaker7 
You could always do the chicken dance. Everyone loves the chicken dance. yo.
This is something I’ve been unaware of–I mean I’ve seen the chicken dance and thought “awesome arm-flapping” but I didn’t realize everyone loved it. I’m sold.
I think you should do a stand up act about how horrible 50 Shades is. Someone needs to blow that shit out of the water! If I hear anyone on TV mention how it is a best selling series one more time, I’m going to rip my own head off and throw it at EL James! 🙂
You could also throw it at Barbara Walters. I agree. 50 Shades standup could be good, but then she might have to recall some of that crap. It might not be good for her psyche.
What is this 50 Shades you speak of? Sounds really awesome.
Misinterpreted dance.
I vote for this one.
Oh, this is the best idea, yet. 🙂
Patent pending.
Is this what gangnam style is?
Hack off one of your legs and do “The vagina monopods”?
Also – Never seen Gangham video/dance etc. – you are not alone!
That seems kinda painful, but I will absolutely do this.
That makes my heart happy!
How are you on kazoo?
You should hear my rendition of “Camptown Races.”
Along with the kazoo idea, throw in some musical spoons. Bam!
I remember fondly my finest acting moment. I was in sixth grade and played orphan #22 in Oliver!
I perfected standing, sitting, eating fake gruel. Sometimes I would yell out “Please sir, may I have some more?” just for the shits and giggles.
I LOVED orphan #22! That was by far my favorite orphan when I saw a community theater production of it five years ago.
This fact about you warms my heart, DarDar. I always thought of you as the ultra cool baton-throwing girl. Now I know you were just another orphan #22 like me.
I was once in a Cabbage Patch play in grade school. All I remember is a song that went “Cabbages, cabbages, yum, yum, yum.” Kazoo and musical spoons are great. Add in blowing on top of bottles, and a cheap plastic recorder. Play something riveting like Hot Cross Buns. I would gladly give you all the stupid recorders in our house.
So curious about this cabbage patch play… Was it about the cabbage patch dolls? Or the fable that babies grow there? Or was it about a realistic farm? If you were playing cabbage patch kids I don’t think you should be eating the cabbages… it’s cannibalism.
I remember there was this bad guy that was a rabbit. He sang the “Cabbages, cabbages, yum yum yum, Cabbages, cabbages, give me some!” I’m not sure why he wanted to eat children. There were also two Cabbage Patch Kids who sang a stupid song about trying to escape back to the cabbage patch. At the time, these were all popular kids with the leading roles, which was much more amusing later when they screened it again in high school and it wasn’t quite as cool. I also remember we got to bring our dolls.
I really should add that to my resume.
Oh ok, it’s all coming together now. The fact that you got to bring your dolls pretty much makes it.
I must find this script.
Speaker7,
Follow your New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”: be shit.
On Yo Gabba Gabba, which is a kids’ tv show made by indie rockers on meth, there is a segment called Cool Tricks in which kids showcase a talent: one kids show his dance moves, another demonstrates how she hides the bruises from her dad… You could do a cool trick of your own:
1. Bring a butt plug and show the world how fast you can take it apart, and rebuild it.
2. You could also do your best Jodie Foster impersonation, in French, as she is fully bilingual.
3. Or bring a picture of Richard Mourdock, rip the picture in two and say: “Fight the real enemy”.
4. Fart jokes: always a killer.
5. Re-enact Saddam Hussein’s death.
6. If it’s too political, re-enact Thích Quảng Đức’s self-immolation.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Your ideas are intriguing and I believe can be combined for optimal effect. What I really want to do is make fart noises while I rip up a picture of Richard Mourdock because that will take the least amount of work.
Speaker7
This is spectacular. I will talk to Hugo about clearing our…I mean his… schedule. I insist you both act out all of your 50 Shades recraps in 5 minutes or less.
Thanks for speaking to Hugo for me. He’s been a real butt plug lately.
Recite something from 50SoG in your own style – you know, like George Takei:
Do you think people will enjoy a completely screamed version?
It might be the only version I could enjoy…
I don’t know wtf gangnam style is either. This must be what it was like to be old and out of touch when the macarena was taking over.
I think I’d rather be old.
My proudest performance was lip syncing to Baby Baby by Amy Grant in a neon t-shirt and matching headband. Don’t feel pressured to live up to that, though.
This makes me want to lip sync the Peter Cetera part to Next Time I Fall.
I forgot that existed! That’s a soulful jam.
If I were you, and I’m glad I’m not because I get gi-normous stage fright, I would do the ventriloquist act with Hugo WHILE attempting to do the Gangnam Style dance. Give the people what they want.
Your idea is intriguing except Hugo does not have legs. Do you need legs to gangnam it?
Hell yes.
I vote for a ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Maybe his mouth doesn’t move now, but I’m sure a stick up his phantom ass will get him to spread his lips.
gak
Oh, c’mon. That was funny stuph.
Yes – and gak … I didn’t say ‘gag’
Oh, okay. Not sure what gak is then.
a gag with a smile and a laugh
I learn so much from you. I’m glad we met.
Ha ha….you say that now…
You don’t have to tell me….I WAS THERE!
heee heeeeeeeeee…mawhahahaha………giggle………giggle…gak
I might just spend the whole 10 minutes saying “gak.”
I like it.
I suspect this is exactly why you became a librarian.
Q: So – Denise, why did you decide to go to library graduate school?
A: I don’t know – I couldn’t think of anything else to do with my sociology degree and I don’t have any specific goals or talents – so someone suggested getting my MLS….BRILLANT!
Yes.
Take away Hugo’s fishy crackers. He’s totally lying about being busy. You could do a ventriloquist act WITHOUT him. Use a sock.
Hmm. You think reverse psychology might work on Hugo? I will start putting black dots on a white sock right now.
Spin plates. Then drop plates. Make sure it’s all fine China.
This seems to take Gallagher up a notch. I will do this.
Whatever you do, I’m sure it will be absurdly funny
Thank you because it’s likely to be a 10-minute viewing of excessive flop sweat.
I’m thinking a Tango with Hugo would be fantastic. But maybe too erotic for a variety show.
Yeah, that seems more like an art film.
I vote for the 50 Shades stand-up routine. Either that or the Vagina Monopods 🙂
Why not both?
I vote dance. Nobody likes ventriloquists. I mean, it’d be cool since it’s Hugo, but still no.Or you could dance WHILE eating cheese at 10pm. Gangnam style.
Cheese-eating is pretty compelling.
What if you juggled buttplugs? If you don’t know how to juggle, you could just stand there and throw them at the audience, maybe? Or else start a band called The Juggling Buttplugs.
Best band name ever.
Especially if it’s a jug band.
You can borrow my talent.
I am awesome at blowing snot bubbles.
Your becoming more amazing with every passing day.
Hugo must be involved. Perhaps you could juggle Hugo, the Goldfish crackers and the mayonaise?
That sounds like a good idea, but Hugo smeared the mayonaise all over his chest and stuck goldfish to it.
Do the Nutbush!!
Kazoo disco medley – just hum to the beat
The hokey fuckin’ pokey!
You have a gift for creating turd toupees. Run with it.
What about a dedicated “Ask Hugo” YouTube channel? Hugo gives such fantastic advice, I’d write in regularly starting with “Hugo what shall I have for breakfast?”
Tim Conway was the variety show king. Just do whatever he does. Mussy up your hair and walk really slow and then swing from a rope. I seem to remember him doing that once. I laughed hard. I was six.
Seriously. This is awesome! And when I find out what gangnam style is, I will be sure not to tell you and blow your act.
I’m going to propose something serious for you, Speaker7. I think that you should do a public service announcement pertaining to medical treatment in your community. And then you can dance with your old tonsils.
Payback is hell.
I’ll be laughing through tomorrow at this picture of Hugo! So. He’ll be busy doing Hellman’s and Goldfish in April — Ahahahahaha!