Everything’s Coming Up Roses

I have been asked to participate in a local variety show that will have its premiere in April.

This is kind of great especially since I made one of my New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”

Nearly there, reader, nearly there.

I have three months to figure out just what the fuck I’m going to do. This is where you come in.

It’s difficult because I have so many talents, I’m not sure which one I should highlight. #humblebrag

This actually is not true, but it is very similar to something a college boyfriend once said to me after I confided my fear in never finding a career post-college because I couldn’t do anything. He commiserated by confiding he was so good at so many things, he didn’t know what he should do. #horribleproblems

That’s almost as good as when my post-college boyfriend told me I’d “be so cute, if (I) just ate salads.” #luckilyIdidn’tmarryeither

So I am a bit apprehensive about this upcoming show. I do have some theater experience. In ninth grade, I played the pivotal role in a high school production of Romeo and Juliet–Peter, the nurse’s page. I wore a tunic that made me resemble a potato, said “Anon” like nobody’s business and stood really still except for those times I was directed to sit. I sit really well. #braggartpotato

Here are some of my ideas. I’m hoping you can give me some direction in the comments.

  • Reenact the dance I did to Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ in the sixth grade talent show.
  • Ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Hugo will not move his lips while I speak.

hugoactOh. What are you doing?

hugoact2Okay. So I guess that’s out.

  • Watch TV
  • Wow people with my ability to be the only person who doesn’t know what the fuck “gangnam style” is.
  • Eat slices of provolone cheese at 10 at night.

 What do you think? #everyvarietyshowhasoneterribleact


    1. This is something I’ve been unaware of–I mean I’ve seen the chicken dance and thought “awesome arm-flapping” but I didn’t realize everyone loved it. I’m sold.

  1. I think you should do a stand up act about how horrible 50 Shades is. Someone needs to blow that shit out of the water! If I hear anyone on TV mention how it is a best selling series one more time, I’m going to rip my own head off and throw it at EL James! 🙂

  2. Along with the kazoo idea, throw in some musical spoons. Bam!

    I remember fondly my finest acting moment. I was in sixth grade and played orphan #22 in Oliver!
    I perfected standing, sitting, eating fake gruel. Sometimes I would yell out “Please sir, may I have some more?” just for the shits and giggles.

    1. This fact about you warms my heart, DarDar. I always thought of you as the ultra cool baton-throwing girl. Now I know you were just another orphan #22 like me.

  3. I was once in a Cabbage Patch play in grade school. All I remember is a song that went “Cabbages, cabbages, yum, yum, yum.” Kazoo and musical spoons are great. Add in blowing on top of bottles, and a cheap plastic recorder. Play something riveting like Hot Cross Buns. I would gladly give you all the stupid recorders in our house.

    1. So curious about this cabbage patch play… Was it about the cabbage patch dolls? Or the fable that babies grow there? Or was it about a realistic farm? If you were playing cabbage patch kids I don’t think you should be eating the cabbages… it’s cannibalism.

      1. I remember there was this bad guy that was a rabbit. He sang the “Cabbages, cabbages, yum yum yum, Cabbages, cabbages, give me some!” I’m not sure why he wanted to eat children. There were also two Cabbage Patch Kids who sang a stupid song about trying to escape back to the cabbage patch. At the time, these were all popular kids with the leading roles, which was much more amusing later when they screened it again in high school and it wasn’t quite as cool. I also remember we got to bring our dolls.

        I really should add that to my resume.

  4. Speaker7,
    Follow your New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”: be shit.
    On Yo Gabba Gabba, which is a kids’ tv show made by indie rockers on meth, there is a segment called Cool Tricks in which kids showcase a talent: one kids show his dance moves, another demonstrates how she hides the bruises from her dad… You could do a cool trick of your own:
    1. Bring a butt plug and show the world how fast you can take it apart, and rebuild it.
    2. You could also do your best Jodie Foster impersonation, in French, as she is fully bilingual.
    3. Or bring a picture of Richard Mourdock, rip the picture in two and say: “Fight the real enemy”.
    4. Fart jokes: always a killer.
    5. Re-enact Saddam Hussein’s death.
    6. If it’s too political, re-enact Thích Quảng Đức’s self-immolation.
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,
      Your ideas are intriguing and I believe can be combined for optimal effect. What I really want to do is make fart noises while I rip up a picture of Richard Mourdock because that will take the least amount of work.

  5. This is spectacular. I will talk to Hugo about clearing our…I mean his… schedule. I insist you both act out all of your 50 Shades recraps in 5 minutes or less.

  6. If I were you, and I’m glad I’m not because I get gi-normous stage fright, I would do the ventriloquist act with Hugo WHILE attempting to do the Gangnam Style dance. Give the people what they want.

  7. I vote for a ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Maybe his mouth doesn’t move now, but I’m sure a stick up his phantom ass will get him to spread his lips.

  8. I suspect this is exactly why you became a librarian.
    Q: So – Denise, why did you decide to go to library graduate school?
    A: I don’t know – I couldn’t think of anything else to do with my sociology degree and I don’t have any specific goals or talents – so someone suggested getting my MLS….BRILLANT!

  9. I vote dance. Nobody likes ventriloquists. I mean, it’d be cool since it’s Hugo, but still no.Or you could dance WHILE eating cheese at 10pm. Gangnam style.

  10. What if you juggled buttplugs? If you don’t know how to juggle, you could just stand there and throw them at the audience, maybe? Or else start a band called The Juggling Buttplugs.

  11. What about a dedicated “Ask Hugo” YouTube channel? Hugo gives such fantastic advice, I’d write in regularly starting with “Hugo what shall I have for breakfast?”

  12. Tim Conway was the variety show king. Just do whatever he does. Mussy up your hair and walk really slow and then swing from a rope. I seem to remember him doing that once. I laughed hard. I was six.

    Seriously. This is awesome! And when I find out what gangnam style is, I will be sure not to tell you and blow your act.

  13. I’m going to propose something serious for you, Speaker7. I think that you should do a public service announcement pertaining to medical treatment in your community. And then you can dance with your old tonsils.

    Payback is hell.

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