How to Write the Bestest Post

It’s hard to blog. There’s so much on TV. Occasionally you have to eat or go to some place that employs you. And then there’s the thinking of some clever Halloween costume. You really can’t go as Bernie Madoff again. That is soooooo 2008.

So you despair. You think “Oh jeez, here I am writing another post about colostomy bag decoupage. Am I going to lose readers?”

Yes. Yes, you are.

But that’s why I’m here. To tell you how to write the bestest post ever. Follow my surefire method and you will sure feel the fire. . . of awesome writing. Clearly only an awesome writer could write a sentence that awesome.

1. Sound controversial without actually being controversial.

People love them some controversy because it’s so, like, controversial and stuff. But you’ll find when you take a stand on something controversial, you attract the crazies into your world. I found this out the hard way by posting something a little political on my personal Facebook page, which prompted a “friend” to go ape-shit crazy and write a horribly racist reply. Story has nice ending though since “friend” is now “unfriend”.

It’s way better to write about something everyone agrees upon, but sound like you’re taking a stand.

Some examples:

“I know I’m gonna take some heat for saying this, but I think ice cream is creamy.”

“This may shock you, but I am a big supporter of fall foliage.”

“Well readers, today I’m taking a stand. I am against…I’ll write it again…AGAINST exploding the earth.”

And then your readers will feel all smart and cutting edge for agreeing with your “controversial” stance.

2. Include photographs.

You may have noticed the whole Freshly Pressed thingamabob on WordPress, yes? They like them some pictures, the picturey the better. But what if you take pictures like this?

Yes, that’s a problem. But did you know about a thing called the Internetscape? It has pictures on it that you can take to prettify your blogscape. Some of these pictures you can actually use too without violating someone’s copyright. (FYI–the picture of my feet is protected by copyright)

Like stock photos:

Or clip art:

You can even combine the two, and suddenly it’s not just some royalty-free images, it’s art, man.

I call this piece “Is anybody listening, dawg?”

3. Write about popular topics.

My biggest downfall was spending the first few blogging months writing Thomas the Tank Engine porn. People just weren’t into it.

So what do the people like? They seem to like this singing mop-head named Justin Fever. And Fruit Roll-ups®. Oh, and travel blogs. People love them some travel blogs. But what if you don’t travel? What if you’re like me? Someone who always likes to say “Oh my god, I love traveling” while coming up with a million reasons to avoid all travel because traveling is a giant ass ache?

There’s no reason you can’t turn your trip to the grocery store into an epic adventure.

For example: I drove slowly down the street, relishing the frequent traffic lights I encountered. At one stop, I glanced to my left and spotted a delightful pawn shop. How quaint! It makes one feel like they’ve stepped back in time looking at the VCR on display in the barbed-wire covered window.

4. Write lists.

People love them some lists. Why?

1. Because they feel like they will learn something about something

2. ???

3. Because lists remind them of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music and who doesn’t love that movie?

• Julie Andrew haters
• Nazis
• nun haters

5. End with something memorable.

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with an ending. When I run into that trouble, I tack on an inspiring message at the end–even if it has nothing to do with anything I just wrote because people like to be inspired. Do you know that 95 percent of the population own some version of the kitten “Hang in there, baby” poster?

Hang in there, baby.